For those of you uncultured plebeians who may one day set eyes upon this review or the movie which it criticizes, the flick is loosely based upon a 6th century epic poem about a wise and brave warrior king named Beowulf and his battle with a flesh eating giant troll beast named Grendel... or maybe it was 8th century... hey, just because I call everyone else an uncultured plebeian doesn't mean I myself am immune to such harsh verbiage... just because I'm older than existence doesn't mean I've been paying attention the whole friggin' time! Hell, my first introduction to the whole story was by accident to begin with, as I was looking for reference material on the infamous independent "Grendel" comics from Matt Wagner, only to find this little tale instead. Anyway, this movie has it's very base elements rooted in that timeless tale (I think it was a part of Norse myth, but again, I'm not as cultured as I try to appear, so don't send me e-mails correcting me on this shit), and when I say "very base elements", it's pretty much in name alone...

Though the poem is 6th (or 8th) century, the movie itself is set in the future, in a fantasy world where the technology of today and the arcane elements of the dark ages blend together to form a land where phosphorescent torches light the halls of run down stone castles at night and the people fight for their survival in old world armors wielding primitive weapons like axes, swords, archery sets and assorted knives, all with a distinctly modern sheen to them. What exactly are the people fighting against? Well, that'll be revealed later on. For now, let's introduce the titular hero of this sub-epic, direct-to-video release: Beowulf. When we first meet this hardass acrobatic one man bruise machine of this dark and unsettling Dungeons & Dragons game gone wrong, he saves a spicy young wench from a group of religious fanatics intent on cleaving her nubile form in half as part of a "cleansing" ritual that, despite relieving her of the lower half of her body, will "save her soul"... you know typical Christian afternoon. Well, enter Beowulf stage left, as he shoots arrows, hacks down heathens, kick flips and drop kicks his way to a decisive victory over the mob, saving the woman without missing a beat of his Mortal Kombat techno-boogie music! Who exactly does this white-haired, wrinkly warrior think he is? Well, if the fact he's played by Tomb action favorite (and all around Highlander bad-ass) Christopher Lambert is any indication, he's one of those loner types who fights evil because good must always triumph, despite his obvious battles with personal demons and mysterious mystical forces that forge his everyday life... give or take a subplot here and there.

Having done his boy scout duty for the morning and vanquished much evil, the man known as Beowulf heads now to a near abandoned military fortress know as the Outpost, where it seems a dark and power force has been turning the place's bravest and strongest into homemade Who Hash as of late and the remaining innocents need a brave defender with just a little bit of inner turmoil and a killer instinct to deliver them from this invisible evil... that's not a metaphor either, the attacking creature seems to be literally invisible to the naked eye, either because it just moves so fast, it's a spectre or it just happens to be transparent. As with any military operation though, there has to be one guy whose machismo is just too much for him to keep in check, causing trouble when renegade-punks-who-play-by-their-own-rules such as Wulfy come into the picture to achieve what he and all his crack troops couldn't. That character is here filled by Roland, the man in charge of training the Outpost's troops and the guy with the biggest *ahem*, "ego". But, when Wulfy defeats Roland in combat AND saves his life following, there begins to form the typical begrudging respect the asshole usually starts to show for his rebellious nemesis in such a story. Oh well, at least Roland can admit when he's a pussy. Besides, in the face of a guy like Christopher Lambert, there's little hope for victory, so it's best to just step down, bend over, and let him have his way with you... not that I'd know... what?

Though the monster usually sticks by a strict schedule of attacking the base on nocturnal assaults, it breaks habit and opts for something a little new, different and exciting: a daytime raid. In anticipation of the event, all the women and children of the Outpost are herded into the sanctuary room, a veritable stronghold that no one should be able to get in or out without permission... but instead turns into a no-escape slaughterhouse as the demon (who resembles the beastie of Within The Rock surrounded by a purple haze... smoke on the water... nevermind) slips in and kills every last one of them... uh-oh, no more women around, looks like the soldiers will be turning gay ahead of schedule this season! After weeding out the weak and helpless, the monster then hacks and slashes it's way through Roland and Beowulf, mutilating them like Thanksgiving turkeys on it's way to the chambers of Outpost's leader, Hrothgar. When it gets there though, instead of going rabid quisinart on the old fart it simply grunts out "not yet" before disappearing to the depths from whence it came. Another interesting thing about Hrothgar to add to this mystery is the blond babe in the fishnet nightgown who keeps showing up in Hroth's dreams and licking his wrinkled old visage. Not even in my dreams could I get a women like that to put her tongue anywhere NEAR me... The day following the incident is an uneasy time, as Wulfy's wounds have healed at a near Macleodian pace, catching the attention of Hrothgar's sexy siren of a daughter Kyra, who thinks that the one-monster genocide machine is the ghostly embodiment of her abusive ex-husband. Note that he's her ex, not because of a divorce, unless you consider the knife she stabbed with repeatedly while he slept as divorce papers...

Of course Wulfy says otherwise in concern to the monster's origins, not only because he's seen the creature first hand and KNOWS it's not some disembodied sheet, but because he seems to know more about these kinds of things than he lets on, which probably has something to do with his ability to heal really fast and do backflips and kung-fu moves like the hybrid offspring of Jackie Chan and a feline. To show off his supernatural abilities in a real display, our hero corners the creature for a one-on-one during it's following attack. In the battle, Beowulf proves himself the more skilled mangler, as he dismembers the beast, relieving it of one of it's arms! It then escapes howling into the darkness as Wulfy returns to his new posse with the good news. In true manly men fashion, the Outposters prematurely declare their foe vanquished and slap the wayward appendage up as a trophy from their rampart. As for Beowulf, he's packing his things and prepared to move on when Kyra asks to go with him and be his "traveling companion". Not one for long term, loving relationships, Beowulf pulls the old "lone 'Wulf" act (please tell me you didn't miss that one...) in an effort to dissuade those wedding bells in her brain. But, even though is life is the burden only of himself, that doesn't keep him from getting a one-nighter, heh heh. Elsewhere in the dank halls of Outpost, the blond fuck machine from Hrothgar's fantasies makes an appearance in Roland's quarters... and he makes an appearance in her hindquarters... ouch, bad pun scale just popped it's needle on that one.

Having slipped his salami into Kyra's hair pie, Wulfy feels it appropriate to really open up and share his tormented tale with her now, even though 98% of the women in the world don't really want that, they just act like they do so they have something to complain about when they wreck the car and need something to defend themselves with. "Yeah, I wrecked the stupid car, but the real problem here is you not sharing your feelings!". Trust me, I learned all about this in community college psychology class the third or fourth time I took it: when a guy starts to open up, chicks think it's just too weird to have a relationship with them, and that's when the "we can still be friends" curse comes into play. Anyway, this is important to Beowulf's story, so let's go... Turns out that Wulfy's mom was one of those "purest virginal maidens you would never find in reality" broads, who got knocked up by the Norse God of Darkness Beo (i.e. Satan, Set, Lucifer, blah blah blah) and gave birth to little Wulfy before dying immediately after. Basically, this means Beowulf is half demon and half angel, in constant conflict with his own existence, your standard tortured-hero bit. So, his whole motivation for battling the forces of evil is to keep his own evil side from taking over by beefing up his good side... which means decapitating evil-doers... eh, whatever works. Speaking of fighting evil, after story time is over, he's off to do just that, by continuing his hunt for the murderous demon Grendel.

Okay, with Beowulf's roots covered, now it's time to figure out where Grendel came from and who that blond seductress is. First of all, yes, she is a witch and yes, she is a cohort of Grendel's. More specifically, she seduced Hrothgar and spread herself to give him a quickie, which wound up proving the old high school sex ed adage that "it only takes one time to get pregnant", as Hroth's seed mixed with the witch's soil to germinate none other than Grendel... I bet that was a painful journey down the birth canal for the blond... As for Hroth's wife, she committed suicide when she learned of her husband's unfaithfulness (where as my wife would've just joined in), leaving Hroth to spend the rest of his life raising Kyra alone and stewing in his own self-loathing juices. Anyway, the unhappy mother and son duo make one last attack on the Outpost to kill Hroth and this meddling Beowulf lad. Things don't go as they plan of course, as Wulfy wastes the overgrown mutant with one felt swoop before challenging Mrs. Grendel's Mom. However, this isn't going to be as easy as a leatherclad, sword wielding marauder pitting his fists and steel against a bubble headed Penthouse Pet and her magical silicone globes, as the bitch gets real ugly real quick and reveals her true, arachnid nature! Now it makes a lot more sense as to why Grendel was so damn disfigured... Well, after she tosses our protagonist around a while and shows him chicks do hit pretty fucking hard if you piss 'em off enough, Wulfy pulls out the old reliable finisher of any domestic dispute and lights her ass on fire! Hey, you have to expect that to happen at least once if you're gonna bleed petrole...

So, on the plus side, Grendel and his crabby mother have been vanquished for good and Beowulf's slain enough evil to keep his bad side in check for a while. On the bad side, everyone in Outpost is dead now, except for Kyra, who now has no ties to her old life and is free to join Wulfy on his formerly one man vendetta against the forces of darkness and halitosis. How do I feel after all of this? Like I just watched a pilot for a new "Highlander Meets Hercules: The Legendary Journeys" show. For the most part that's a good thing, with plenty of action and monsters and an interesting (if not altogether absurd) hero and his sexpot little sidekick who should provide us with numerous bordeline-scandalous showering scenes. However, in order for good to exist, it's universal law that there must also be bad (after all, how can you tell what's good if there isn't something bad to compare it to?), the bad of which here being the television grade special FX and Christopher Lambert's drastic need of anti-wrinkle cream. As always, don't get me wrong, I think the guy's bitchin' when it comes to his physical acting and he's even got talent for actual acting, but the guy's getting on in years and can't look convincing enough for those roles of immortal warriors anymore.... of which he seems to get a lot of. Personally, were I Mr. Lambert, I'd be stickin' to the roles of older, wiser characters who only get physical when they have to... and when they do get physical they stick within their limits, no jump flips or shit like that.

As for the rest of the movie, it's no surprise when watching (and listening to) it that Beowulf's score came courtesy of Ben Watkins, the guy whose techno thumping boogie beats added volumes to Mortal Kombat, but definitely wasn't enough to save it's pathetic sequel. Oddly enough, our movie was directed by Graham Baker, who had previously brought to us Omen III: The Final Conflict and Alien Nation. You wouldn't really expect a to-the-point action monster flick from those credits, but hey, we all have to diversify. As for producer/writer Mark Lehy, his presence in no surprise, as he would go on the following year to bring us the nigh-abominable big screen RPG adaptation known as Dungeons & Dragons. Tossing these elements together, it's no surprise at the kind of movie experience you get from Beowulf, which sums up as a fairly pleasant action monster movie that you don't need to think too hard with when watching, which should entertain the Hercules/Xena crowd, but will likely let you down if you're expecting an epic. Fans of Christopher Lambert check it out, unless you also think he's getting too old and embarrassing himself, then you might just want to dig out your copy of Highlander.

Sequels: Nope

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: Mortal Kombat or Kull The Conqueror