Man, there's two words for Tommy Jarvis: FUCKIN' OBSESSED! Look at the bastard! In FRIDAY THE 13TH PART IV he hacked serial killer Jason Vorhees to death with a machete. Several years later, after he's become an adult, Tommy was sent to a little sanitarium commune in the woods. Here he killed another guy wearing a hockey mask. Sure the guy was a murderer, but I mean come on Tommy, stop breaking down into a homicidal rage every time you run into some poor guy in Dockers and a goalie's mask! Sheesh! Well, doesn't look like anyone's safe from Tommy's obsession, not even Ron Palillo: Horshack of "Welcome Back, Kotter"! Yes, Tommy drags friend Horshack along for a ride to the burial site of the original Jason Vorhees (so no, it's not a return appearance by Roy the psychotic ambulance driver, for those confused critics at TVGuide.com) to make sure there's nothing left of Jason to resurrect... you know, just in case some Satanic cult guys in hoods should happen by with such plans. When the two dig the ghoul's grave up, Tommy snaps and assaults the festering remains of the poor serial killer with a big metal fence post! All of a sudden, in an "it only happens in horror movies" moment, a convenient burst of lightning decides to avoid the natural law that it HAS to strike the highest standing object in the area, and instead hits the piece of fencing planted in the big dead guy's chest cavity! Children, say hello to super zombie Jason.

That's right, when that bolt of airborne electricity bypassed the surrounding trees in favor of that pole, Jason made the genre leap from blue collar killer of errant teenagers to super zombie mass murderer! In other words, he now has superhuman strength and is unkillable. Though this allows for a higher body count and an actual twist in the series, these deaths are usually too cheesy and comicbook-like to be taken seriously, so this is where people really start to cheer the villain and the laughs overtake the screams. Anyway, while I've been rambling on, Horshack just got a big hole punched through his chest, Jason's donned his hockey mask once more and Tommy's turned tail and driven off in his pick-up! So, let's get back to this movie you decayed motherfuckers!

When our pansy-ass hero Tommy goes to the local authorities for help, he gets the typical reply for kids claiming their friends were killed in these movies: handcuffs. Yep, handsome young lad Tommy is arrested by the fuzz for his horse shit story, like any "tragic" hero. As for the walking dead goalie, he's taken up his old hobby of stalking horny camp counselors, as yet again, Camp Crystal Lake is about to be reopened, only under the happier moniker of Camp Forest Green, that will hopefully get the tourists to forget that there were grizzly murders committed in the lake's waters not too long ago... like that'll work... though, if it didn't we wouldn't have a movie, so why not... J's first victims are a couple of would-be counselors who get their stupid little Volkswagen Beetle stuck in a mud puddle (the German tank of the highways my hairy ebon elbow!... sorry, had my switch set to 'G', let me switch it to 'R'... okay, now, "my hairy ebon fuckstick"! Okay, that's a little better...). The guy tries to shoot J and the girl tries to buy him off, but you can't phase a homicidal sociopath back from the grave with bullets or credit cards! So, he kills them both. Don't think that whole "don't leave home without it" thing means anything, cuz American Express can't do shit against an engine of destruction like a zombie in sports equipment, eh!

Jason also takes time out of his busy schedule of killing teens to show us he's not too keen on those bloated businessman weekend warrior types either, as he makes short work of a group of out-of-shape paintballers, using his new zombie superpowers to their extent as he rips one loser's arm right off and decapitates three others with a single machete slash... see what I mean about the laughs replacing the screams? Not that watching a freakish half-wit in a hockey mask or a canvas sack with an eyehole cut out of it slaughtering people before wasn't funny, it's just that now it's obscene. Back to Tommy, the sheriff's rebellious young whore of a daughter, Megan, has fallen for the pretty boy wacko that is our hero. Tommy's let out under the promise he'll leave the Crystal Lake area. If he so much as crosses the city limits though, well, the "makes Don Knotts look like Charles Bronson" deputy can explain that too you better than I can. Anyway, Tommy gets picked up by his new follower Megan, who wants to get Tommy back to Crystal Lake to stop Jason and a car chase ensues that proves the makers of this film aren't exactly serious about making a horror movie. They inject a little LICENSE TO DRIVE action here, as Megan replaces Corey Haim and Tommy (with his head buried in Meg's lap) stands in for Corey Feldman. Full of sexual innuendo and cheesy '80s chase music (as opposed to the banjo strumming hillbilly chase music of the old days), the scene drags out until finally ending with the duo being snagged in a police roadblock. Tommy is once again incarcerated by the fascist 5-0. Don't cry for him though Argentina (the whiny little 5 year old next door), because Meg gets a river in her Fruit of the Looms just thinking about her boy wonder, so she decides to bust him outta jail. How so? All she had to do was distract the comically bumbling deputy, since the REAL cops are all out at the camp, looking for the guy responsible for hacking up Meg's counselor amigos.

On the way to the camp, Tommy comes up with this brilliant idea: Jason must be returned to the lake from whence he was killed, that's the only way he can be defeated now that he's a member of the super villains club. Okay, where the FUCK did that prissy little shit figure out that something like sticking J back into Crystal Lake would kill him once and for all?! Tommy must be one of those last minute masters of the black arts deals, like those high school drop-outs in KILLJOY. Are they suddenly possessed by dead warlocks or witches or Vegas stage magicians?! Where do they come up with this shit!? Either way, Tommy and Megan arrive at the camp. By this time, J's slaughtered all the pigs like, well, hogs in a slaughterhouse. Unfortunately, he's hasn't laid a single bloody hand on ANY of those little bastard campers... apparently he's not a child killer... and he calls himself a homicidal maniac? J and Tommy have their last dramatic fight scene as the two engage in aquatic combat in a dingy over Crystal Lake. The hero manages to get a chain-and-boulder neck tie around Jason's neck, which drags him into the murky waters (which has been set on fire for a more dramatic effect) that betray the title "Crystal" Lake. To make sure the job's finally "done" though, Jason also gets his rotted jugular torn asunder by Tommy's outboard motor. Hey, if I've said it before I'll say it again "though love can be used for good, it (along with an outboard motor) can also be used for evil". Sure, love has nothing to do with this, but who's writing this fucking review?! The movie wraps up with a *wink*wink* "you know there's gonna be another sequel next year" shot, as we look deep into Jason's eye and realize that the whole "return him to Crystal Lake and he will die" thing that Tommy made up was just him talking out of his ass, as Jason STILL lives.

I like zombie movies. RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, DAWN OF THE DEAD, RE-ANIMATOR, all of them give me happy squishy feelings not felt since the first time I listened to a Jewel album... as it was being mauled by my Jackal pets like a small shiny frisbee... 'nother story for another time. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VI just ruins Jason Vorhees. The series should've died at THE FINAL CHAPTER, maybe after A NEW BEGINNING, but either way, Jason should not have returned as a zombie warrior. I mean, three decapitations in one machete swing?! And what about twisting off a cop's head, or the scene where he pushes a girl's face into the side of a motor home, leaving an imprint of her face in the metal as opposed to her head either breaking through or just collapsing on itself?! Can't we just stick to the simple-yet-sweet gardening tool impalements and machete dismemberments? Yes, I know there can actually be some merit connected to F13 7-9 (NEW BLOOD, JASON TAKES MANHATTEN and JASON GOES TO HELL), mostly the menacing job done by Kane Hodder, but they just don't stand up to the gore fueled antics of the first four films, nor the gratuitous sex of the fifth. The charm of the first movies in the series was that they could actually happen to you... provided you were staying as an old campsite that Ted Bundy or Richard Ramirez was hanging out in... or Lorrena Bobbit if you're looking for a Pamela Vorhees recreation. But this whole zombie serial killer concept could've been retitled under another name and garnered it's own legacy. Take off the hockey mask and just let a big zombie go around killing naked teens and *BAM!* instant money. Back in the '80s, people ate shit like this and PAID to do so! Bah, what the Hell do I know. All I do know is that the gore has been cut down greatly from previous installments (especially the carnage drenched third installment) and there isn't ONE naked tit or highly prized bush shot.

Forget I said anything and just let me make fun of the Alice Cooper theme music for JASON LIVES!. It's a song called "The Man Behind the Mask", a really weak metal song that pretty much talks about Jason's resurrection from the grave and blah blah blah. It's so monumentally horrible, it reminds me of the Dokken theme song for NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS, appropriately entitled "Dream Warriors". Maybe people would take these movies a little more serious if they could cut down on the gut wrenchingly insipid music! The '80s truly were a painful time for peoples' ears. Looking back, I myself feel the need to atone for my sins of listening to IRON MAIDEN by listening to 12 hours of straight Country & Western music... then again, an arrow through the eye sounds far less painful. For a special treat, click on the rolling head below to download "The Man Behind The Mask". Serious fans of the original shock rocker are advised to stay away, but if you're looking for a laugh or you collect horrible movie music, then this should fulfill your needs! Either way it's good to make fun of, which is about all that FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VI: JASON LIVES! is good for... and if I didn't have such a bad case of writer's block, I would continue to do just that! Gimme any shit and "I will repaint this office with your brains"! Oh, and on a final note, children of the '80s keep a look out for one of the campers' pajamas, as they contain "Masters of the Universe" character Meka-Neck. True evidence that the series begins to gear even heavier toward pop culture, even the 12-and-under demographic.

As a little bonus joke (a VERY little joke) I created this graphic to celebrate the return of Jason to the FRIDAY THE 13TH films, as well as Ron Palillo's little contribution to the film. I call it, "Welcome Back, Vorhees"! Hey, better role for Travolta than BATTLEFIELD EARTH!