One of the big name Universal monster flicks from the old skool B&W days, THE MUMMY sees yet another classic role for the legendary Boris Karloff. Never a big fan of Karloff myself, I'm not exactly biased toward this movie, hence why I'm giving an established classic a mere 3 demonic smiley faces as opposed to 5, because in my book, it's not a classic, just another old movie. I know I'm going to get shit for this rating from many horror fans who feel that the elderly deserve instant respect and gratification just because they're old and can, in some way, be given credit for birthing many of today's modern horrors. I'm also gonna get shit from those old farts who remember where they were when Lincoln was shot, simply because their horror flicks were "scary" and didn't need to show sex or gore to be good movies. To them I say, "fuck you grandpa, and stop trying to touch me there!". You know me, always the rebel. But, don't get me wrong, though it doesn't have the gore soaked sex and humor of a RE-ANIMATOR, THE MUMMY is still pretty good considering it's time period. I mean, with what primitive tools that had at their disposal, the creators didn't do too shabby. Hell, the make-up was pretty fucking spectacular for being pre-Savini! But, more about that later, onto the movie.

We open in the year 1921, in Egypt, where a couple of dirt diggers from Britain have uncovered the tattered and fugly remains of Im-Ho-Tep... Immy to his friends. Along with Immy's corpse, they uncover a small casket, sealed with a curse inscribed on the lid. Basically it says that, should they open the lid they will be met with unrelenting terror, eternal torment, and sweaty balls the rest of their lives. Being British, they chalk all that up to "poppy-cock" (poppies have cocks?!) and crack open the ancient mini-fridge anyway. Inside they find the legendary Scroll of Thoth, which is supposedly what Isis used to raise her dead lover Osiris back from the grave... bullshit, she slapped her tits in his face and tweaked his nipples a little, THAT's what brought him back! Trust me, I was there with the video camera, hiding in their closet... See me after the review and I'll hook ya up.

Anyway, the overzealous young man of the group decides to read from the scroll, and of course winds up summoning Immy back from his job as a cigar store mummy. Yeah, I know it's supposed to be a cigar store Indian, but we didn't have any Indians back in ancient Egypt, so we had to make do. Ol' bandage pants grabs the scroll, waves goodbye to the guy who woke him, and shuffles off into the sandy dessert night. When the others return, the lad is babbling and laughing like a crack head, and he stays like that until the day he croaks. Now we jump ahead to 10 years later, where Frank Whemple (the son of the first party's leader, Joseph Whemple) and his fellow archaeologist pack up their tools and prepare to head back to merry old England. Before they leave though, they're confronted by a mysterious Egyptian man named Ardeth-Bey, who hands them a piece of ancient pottery and proceeds to point them out to an undiscovered tomb nearby. The tomb belongs to none other than Princess Anck-en-es-Amon, and yes, they are the first to plunder it... hey, that Ardeth-Bey dude looks a lot like Im-Ho-Tep before he took his little hike nearly a decade earlier... coincidence? Don't be a jackass, SUUUUUUUUUUUURE it's a coincidence! And I'm the Egyptian God of Death and... wait a minute...

Soon after the Princess's tomb is raped of it's contents by the Cairo Museum, we catch Ardy hanging out around her mummified remains, speaking funny talk. Reading from the Scroll of Thoth (told ya he was the guy), burning a little incense, and laying down some sweet smooth pillow chanting, Ardy summons to the museum the reincarnation of his beloved Anck. Don't worry, I'll cover that whole tragedy later on. Problems arise though, when the entranced woman arrives at the museum to find that... THE DOORS ARE LOCKED!... and Jim Morrison's dead... The ritual is interrupted when our hero Frank confronts the hypnotized damsel, bringing her out of her stupor and taking her back to his place *wink*wink*. As for Ardy, well, a guard catches him, "in the act", and Ardy's gotta stop all his heavy breathing and moaning so he can kill the rent-a-cop... what he does to the body afterwards is his business. Too bad for Ardy, cuz despite his 3700 year wait to get a turn with his dead beloved Anck, her soul is inside Helen... and if I know my movies like I know I, uhm, know them, then it's not gonna be long before Frank's the one inside Helen *nudge*nudge*. So, let's recap quick: Anck's eternal soul is inside Helen's body. Ardy is really Immy, and he wants Helen so he can turn her back into Anck. Meanwhile, Frank falls instanly in love with Helen (only in Hollywood), setting up our conflict. Now all we need is about 45 more minutes of filler and some conflict resolution!

While Frank works his powerful "wooing" abilities on the still confused Helen, his dad Joe converses with Helen's personal physician Dr. Muller about this Ardy character and how he's connected with the dead guard and the trancing of Helen. Speaking of the object of Joe and Muller's marijuana-induced paranoia, Ardy arrives at the house, looking to chat it up with Helen before Frank gets his greasy paws in too far. Joe and Muller devise that, yes, Ardy is really Im-Ho-Tep, but he can't hurt them as long as they have the Scroll of Thoth... how they got it I have no fucking clue, but oh well. In addition, they aparently can't hurt Ardy because he's so powerful... powerful my ass! If he tries to hypnotize you, just block his eyes with a mirror like that Perseus dude, and whack him in the head with a shovel! Shit, he looks so old and brittle you probably wouldn't even need a BIG shovel. I think one of those little fireplace shovels or a pooper-scooper would do the job just as well... After sending the villain on his way with a stern lecture, Joe and Muller decide to torch the Scroll just in case. But, when Joe later tries to do just that (alone I might add), Ardy uses his powers to give the old coot a heart attack, then his Nubian (look, a Nubian... get it?) servant grabs the scroll and disappears.

With Joe dead, Helen is left with Frank and Muller as her only protection. Speaking of Helen, she gets another of those weird mental hazes (the kind NOT caused by Lithium or kerosene fumes) and once again goes to Ardy. This time though, he summons her to his palacial Cairo apartment instead of a LOCKED museum! In her daze, Ardy shows her a flashback in the bubbling mists of his personal jacuzzi. Said flashback reveals the story behind Immy and Anck. Turns out that Immy and Anck were in love, but she died for some reason. In his romeo-induced rage, Immy snatched the Scroll of Thoth from the stone Godz themselves, prepared to read the words Isis said to Osiris in an attempt to ressurect his beloved Anck. Unfortunately, before he could wrap up the little serinade, Immy's actions were discovered by the Pharaoh's guards. He was captured and buried alive for his sacrilidge, and the Scroll was buried with him to prevent anyone else from bringing such shame to the Egyptian Kingdom. For some reason, Ardy then lets Helen go after the flashback, back to her human protectors, who decide it best to keep a closer eye on her this time... good idea Johnny Magnum P.I. and Mr. Rockford Files. However, when they realize they have no way of finding and destroying Ardy on their own, they decide to turn Helen loose, then just follow her to their intended target. And Ardy does so predictably...

Summoning Helen once again (he couldn't have done this when he brought her to look at his whirlpool?!), Ardy brings the Anck out in Helen, giving his beloved corpse sentience momentarily. While she's in control, he unveils his plan to kill her, then bring her back permanently in control of Helen's body. Being a priestess of the Goddess Isis, Helen's not too keen on the idea of besmirching her purity in such an unholy rite. Too bad for her, Ardy's not too keen on the fact that he was buried alive, cursed for eternity, and went through 3700 years of Hell for this moment, only to have it fucked up because his woman's selfish! Not one to have his manhood maimed by a pussy-whip, Ardy grabs his flimsy dagger and prepares to rape Anck... of her soul anyway. Our heroic duo of Frank and Muller (sounds like a bad vaudeville act) show up in time to be of little to no use. I guess they're there to distract Ardy long enough so Anck/Helen can pray to Isis and have her ancient Goddess turn the villain to dust... DIVINE INTERVENTION?! How the Hell did this movie become a classic? Afterwards, Frank wakes up Helen, and I guess they live happily ever after... not sure though, cuz it cuts out right after he wakes her up and declares his love.

After being raised through the movies of the '80s, I'm a man-God that's learned to respect his special FX as much as his camera work and acting prowess. So forth, I'm not a big fan of the old Universal flicks. I might've liked them as a lad, before stuff like RE-ANIMATOR and BAD TASTE turned me onto gore, and movies like JURRASSIC PARK and STAR WARS turned me onto special FX. So, when you show me something like THE MUMMY, from WAY back in 1932, I fall short. The soundtrack was flawed greatly, especially the breaks and sudden cuts that just sound bad. The acting was probably the only real good thing about the whole movie, and the story seemed nice and enclosed, but all the killings take place off screen. Lots of critics say that "enhances the suspense", but in my tastes it says the director was cheap and the FX budget was spent on hookers. Actually, no, the FX budget was spent well, especially on Karloff's make-up. When he looks at you dead on with those profile shots, man, it makes ya shaky in the bladder! Fucking sweet make-up, that's all I can say. The biggest thing that bugged me though, continuity wise, is the Scroll of Thoth. The damned thing sits in a box for 3700 years and comes out like a rolled up piece of Godz damned posterboard! The thing gets passed from greasy dirty hand to greasy dirty hand, and it doesn't crumple or crumble or disintegrate what-so-ever! Did the Godz make that shit out of paper-thin granite?! A titanium alloy maleable enough to roll and write on?! Fuckin 'A' man, I don't remember those sand monkeys pullin this shit back when I was cuttin 'em down! Hollywood is one big lie...

Also Known As: IM-HO-TEP; CAGLIOSTRO; KING OF THE DEAD

Sequels: THE MUMMY'S HAND; THE MUMMY'S TOMB; THE MUMMY'S GHOST; THE MUMMY'S CURSE

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: FRANKENSTEIN or THE INVISIBLE MAN