What started with BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA continues on here, as another Universal silver screen legend gets a facelift and a deffinate FX upgrade in THE MUMMY... though this is a far cry from what we saw out of Boris Karloff. Boasting a disgustingly extravegant budget, director goes for a lot of shine and sacrifices on the story and suspense factions, but really pumps out some RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK action to keep us interested! The cast is far from any kind of dream team for me, featuring instead the likes of Brendan Fraser as our hero and Arnold Vosloo as the heretic sorcerer priest Immy. Actually, though I could do without Brendan Fraser, Arnold Vosloo carries his role greatly, looking far more intimidating than his days on Sam Raimi's two DARKMAN sequels. Then again, when you're trying to follow in the footsteps of Liam Neeson, you're almost guaranteed to fail.

Our tale begins with the background, as we rewind back to the days of Ancient Egypt, 1290 BC to be exact. Sorcerer Imhotep has fallen in love with the Pharoah's prize wife Anck-su-Namun, and the two decide that the only way to preserve their love is to assassinate the Pharoah! They slaughter the fat bastard like a fancy-pantsed pig and Immy escapes at his beloved's wishes, leaving her behind to take the blame, and ultimately, her own life. Why do such a thing? Well, it wasn't completely out of love that she told Immy to go, because what he's really supposed to do is return to the queen's tomb after she has died and ressurect her so they can be together. With the help of his gold painted minions, Immy swipes the babe's body and takes her to the underground catacombs of Hamunaptra, the city of the dead. He attempts to use the Necronomicon (simply refered to here as "the book of the dead") to breath her soul back into her body, but instead gets a rude awakening as the Pharoah's vengeful guards pop up, ready to punish Immy and his goons for their sacrilege! Before he can finish the ritual, he's captured, and his girlfriend's soul is left to roam limbo for eternity. As for Immy, well, he and his followers are in for some pain. The golden priests are mummified alive and Immy gets the hard end of the stick, as his tongue is cut out, he's wrapped in ancient toilet paper, then he's sealed in a sarcophagus with a family of flesh hungry scarabs (Egyptian cockroaches)! For some reason though, the curse placed on Immy also has a loophole that, should his body be uncovered, he will rise from the dead and become a living plague unto the Earth... not to put down the rituals of the Pharaohs, but wouldn't that be better than living an eternity in damnation, blah blah blah? Were it me, I would've simply made the guy immortal and given him lepracy or AIDS, then he could suffer forever, rotting alive inside his coffin, never given the satisfaction of release through deat, because he would be immortal and conscious through the whole thing... but then again, I've had a lot more time to work on my stuff than they've had.

Now we jump ahead a few millenia, to 1923 Hamunaptra, where a mini-war breaks out between a small army of legionnaires and a mob of nomadic warriors, decendants of the Pharaoh's bodyguards from some 3200 years ago. The battle is over a archaeological expedition into Hamunaptra, that could lead to the uncovering of Immy's resting place, which the nomads are trying to prevent, due to the whole "walking plague" dealy their ancestors cursed the bastard with so long ago. The battle ends with all but two members of the legionnaires dead, one being a weaselly fiend who escapes into the tomb and the other being American soldier Rick O' Connel, who is spared when his attackers are scared off by a huge statue of me, Anubis. See, I'm so bad ass I don't even have to appear in the flesh (and fur) to make people piss themselves! After this we jump to brother-sister archaeological duo John and Evelyn, a very nerdy couple of siblings who pick the pocket of O'Connel, stealing from him an ancient Egyptian key box thingy, in which they discover a map, possibly leading them back to Hamunaptra! They decide they must contact O'Connel and persuade him to lead them on a small expedition to the city of the dead, where they hope to make some big time discoveries! Problem is, Rick is set to be hanged for crimes against him, so they need to pursuade the prison warden to join their party and let Rick go, for a share of the profits of course. On the way there, the guardian sand rats attempt to halt the gang's progress, failing at every turn (including a flaming boat on the Nile) as our heroes eventually make their way to Hamunaptra by camels to the ancient Necropolis. They're not the only ones there though, after all, we need some extras to be killed by the evil forces, so also arriving at the city of death is a troupe of American explorers, led by Rick's old "friend" Beni (the weaselly survivor of the previous battle), who does well as the film's comedy relief... though as always, everyone tries to be the comedian.

Both teams make a few discoveries in Hamunaptra, the Americans uncovering Immy's book of the dead, while our British protagonists reveal Immy's sarcophagus... the shit's about to hit the fan folks. While exploring the catacombs of the city for some of the treasures he was promised, the bloated warden meets his fate at the hungry pincers of some more scarabs, who hollow out his big fat head by devouring his big fat brain! That night, the guardians make another attempt to stop the explorers from unleashing ancient evils by attacking the encampment. They do some damage, but are scared off by Rick, who waves them off with a few sticks of TNT. As they turn tail and run little scorned little bitches, they shout threats of death and damnation to their targets... in other words, those guardian guys are just sore losers! After opening Immy's coffin, Evi "borrows" the book of the dead from the other Indiana Jones knock-offs, and inadvertantly leads the world into death, as she revives the dreaded Imhotep, who can let loose some unholy revenge finally! Immy's first attack is an infestation of gnats and scarabs, who attack the campers and kill off a few of the extras. To rebuild himself back to the studly idol of fear he once was, Immy (using Beni as a Toadie) begins to attack people himself, stealing their organs and flesh to replace his own and make him whole once more. As for our heroes, the leader of the guardian forces, Ardeth Bay, informs them of just what it is they've unleashed, and just exactly what they have to do to prevent the destruction of our big blue marble. The heroes won't have to look too hard to find Immy though, as he decides to follow them, planning to reclaim his beloved book of the dead from Evi, who still has a deathgrip on the thing, despite the numerous other plagues and zombie followers that Immy sets against them. Oh, and just in case you were expecting it, just let me reassure your suspicions, as yes, Immy decides that the lovely Evi is to be the sacrifice he uses in his second attempt to bring back his much sought after queen from her wandering limbo damnation condition... I think a little topical cream should clear that up babe.

As Immy refills his overdrawn organ bank, Evi has the great idea that, since the book of the dead brought back Immy, then perhaps it's the book of Amen-Ra (a golden spell book named after the Sun God Amen-Ra) that will send Immy back to limbo... yeah, makes sense, the book of the dead gives things life and the golden happy book kills things... Hey, the Egyptians just worshipped me, as long as they kept me hip deep in gold and hot and cold running virgin 'tang, I didn't really care how little sense the thong wearing twits did or didn't make! So, it's back to Hamunaptra to find the book, which is good, since Evi's already got a ride: Immy. Yes, the reanimated bad ass and his boil-covered minions capture her and head to the city of the dead (I gotta get treated for this rhyming disease I seem to have contracted) so he can bring back his beloved Anck-su-Namun. Rick and John, joined by Mr. Happy Ardeth, hire an old (and fat [and drunken]) pilot friend of Rick's to fly them to Hamunaptra in his beaten up army bi-plane (it likes to fly with male AND female pilots *wink*wink*). After being blown out of the sky by an evil sandstorm baring Immy's visage, fatty is left dead, and our trio of surviving heroes trek on toward the city ruins. Making it to the city, they must face down swarms of more hungry scarabs, battle a legion of ARMY OF DARKNESS extras and finally have a showdown with the bald baddy himself before they can finally save Evi. After releasing her, Evi flips through the pages of the book of Amen-Ra, locates the proper incantation, and summons up some chariot riding employees of the Sun God, who steal away Immy's soul, making him killable... which he gets soon after. Afterwards it turns into a dash to save your ass, as the city slowly sinks into the eternally harsh desert sands, and anyone who doesn't make it out in time is destined for an irritating surprise in their shorts. Of course all the good guys escape in last minute fashion, but that rat faced Beni winds up trapped in the sunken treasure room, surrounded by gold and scarabs... karma's a bitch. Everyone else lives happily ever after, and the dignified and snobbish Evelyn falls in love with the barbarish and crude Rick. As for Johnathan, well, he becomes Ardeth's botch for those long nights riding on the sands... or not.

A lot of people denounced this movie for being just another brainless summer action flick, created for the sole purpose of making money and brainwashing the public for a couple of hours... they co uldn't be further from the truth... I mean, they couldn't be more right! Yeah, it's a non-horror remake of a horror flick, and it'd probably be better with a title like YOUNG INDIANA JONES AND THE MUMMY'S TOMB or JUNIOR QUARTERMAIN BATTLES THE EGYPTIAN MUMMY, but hey, we all need our brainless summer action flicks to entertain ourselves with for those times when our brain needs a rest! Being a God with superior intelligence to those senseless plebians like you mortals out there, my mind is running at all times of the day, constantly concocting world domination schemes, excuses to get me out of traffic tickets, and new strategies for beating Horus at "Mario Party". So, from time to time, I like to pop in THE MUMMY, let my mind shut down for a little while, and just let the testosterone burn for a spell.

It was a cool little touch if you notice the parallels between this new MUMMY film and the old MUMMY series from Universal. Such things include the return of the Imhotep name along with the concept of the villain being wrapped in bandages for only a fraction of the film. Also, Karloff's disguise name from the original MUMMY film has instead been converted over to the head of the tomb's guardians: Ardeth Bay. In fact, that concept of the guardians of the tomb can be traced back to THE MUMMY'S HAND... though those guardians were kinda evil, while these guys are fiercer yet meant to be heroes. The sad part though, is that the creators of the movie were actually trying for a genuine horror movie... bullshit right? I mean, no movie with that much lame humor is a horror flick. Then again, somehow BAD TASTE manages to make it into every "Horror" section I find, so maybe they'd have had a chance, were it not a big budget Indiana Jones knock-off. Also, the creators DIDN'T want the film to be carried by the special FX... bullshit again, correct? The thing that carried this flick WAS the special FX! The humor was too forced and constant to be of much amusement, there was no serious horror, and other than the action, the only thing keeping my ass in my Lay-Z-Boy was the FX! But, the guys at the theater said that if I wedge my recliner in the fire isle again they're gonna call the cops... pimply faced bastards think they can challenge the power of Anubis?! Just wait till they find out their alcohol free acne cream has been pumped FULL of alcohol! HAHAHAHAH! Dry skin and zits for all! Will they change their formula in THE MUMMY RETURNS, or will it be more of the same? Well, if you haven't seen it yet, it's new to you... or something. Basically, if you're sick of Arnold Schwarzenegger and his recent tripe or Harrison Ford is starting to look a little old for you, then try out THE MUMMY. Does a body good!

Sequels: THE MUMMY RETURNS

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM or THE 7TH VOYAGE OF SINBAD