Oh my God Tom Savini, what have you wrought! You know how you go to a party, get really drunk, and do something bad to your friend's parents' house, like cracking open the toilet bowl with some guy's head or screwing some girl you just met in the parents' bed, leaving behind a whole lot of vomit, semen, and maybe a shit stain or two? Then, for years following, your friend uses that one little imstake as an excuse to get you to do something for him/her? Well, I'll bet Savini was quite the partier back in high school, which would explain his involvement in this film... THE RIPPER is one of those bastard offspring of the '80s that has a lot in reseblance to a certain other movie from the '80s that had equally terrible acting and even less production value, and was released just one year after THE RIPPER was created! What was the deal with the term "Ripper" in the '80s anyway? Was there this sudden re-emergence in interest in people for the age old legend of the infamous London serial killer Jack the Ripper? I mean, after NEW YORK RIPPER came out in '82, is it just coincidence that other similar movies were to follow, or was it just good ol' Jack's curse on we, the unfortunate movie viewing audience?! Whatever the consequence, Tom Savini's here, and I should probably get to the movie...

A Direct-to-Video film that has all the visual excitement of a public access program or a bad used car sales commercial, THE RIPPER grabs you from the start, spits in your eye, and tells you, "GET READY TO GET RAPED!". But, it can't live up to it's threat, so it's time to kick the movie in the balls, punch it in the face, and twist it's ankle till the flick cries out in pain and gives you it's wallet while tears roll down it's cheek and it's bottom lip hangs out. In the film, our focus is on Professor Richard Harwell, teacher of a college course on history's most famous murders... with a little modification, ol' Dick could have an impressive porn name! While antique shopping with his fiance (one of the many tasks we men hate... that's why women have gay male friends!), Dick comes across an interesting ring that makes him halucinate and see Victorian Age scenes of Jack-style murders being done. More specifically, done by him as he's garbed in a cape and top hat, slitting his woman's throat and playing with her guts. Soon after, it seems a copycat killer is loose in their fair little town, killing innocent people on the late night streets. Well, not just killing, but RIPPING... coincidence? Never.

After sticking his nose in one of his many books, like all college professors do, Dick discovers that the ring in the shop is very much like the ring worn by Mary Kelly. Name doesn't ring a bell? Well, I guess she was one of Jack's many pretty young victims. How such a ring wound up in Tulsa Oklahoma is beyond even my omnipotent knowledge, but it did, and now Dick's got it. After slipping on the gaudy piece of plastic, the ring seems to become glued to Dick's finger, refusing to be removed. That night the Ripper stries again, strrangled and getting her throat ripped open by... a payphone cord?! Did Bell Atlantic use razorwire on their Tulsa phones back in the mid-80s?! I'll be sure to think twice now before I wrap the cord around my balls while calling those phone sex places. Anyway, not only do the local rippings continue, but one of Dick's more suck-uppy students has noticed that Mr. Harwell has also switched hand preferances lately, going from a righty to a lefty... he's probably just pissed cuz Dick refused him some "extra credit work" after class... Obviously, the next victim of the Ripper is the dork's girlfriend. Any guess who the Ripper is? You'd be surprised...

The night following the death of the only girl who'd ever give him the time of day (let alone a quick snowball), our gangly nerd-of-a-hero heads over to Dick's house to try and uncover the truth. After a "suspense-filled" struggle with Dick, the geek's gun goes off (likely bought from the back of a comicbook), and we see Dick escape from the scene, swiping the dweeb's car... well, it's probably his mom's car, but either way the plot thickens. Yes, the plot goes from water thin to, uhm, hard water thin... I'm just not makin em like I used to. I blame the failing economy. Well, Dick's girlfriend follows him to an abandoned warehouse, where instead she finds the true Ripper: Tom Savini in yellow contact lenses! Yep, the demonic FX master is unveiled, twisting his infamous Frank Zappa moustache and cackling maniacally as is his trade. Turns out that the original Jack's fiendish soul possesses the ring, taking over the bodies of it's wearers with each new owner, allowing Jack to continue his homicidal hobby and gets some other people in trouble in the process. While chasing Dick's babe, Jack gets suckered slashed, attacked by the annoying student (sadly uninjured in the previous gun shot scene), who hacks off the villain's ring finger. With the ring gone, jack loses control, giving Dick his body back. This of course comes just in time for him to walk out into a hail of police gunfire... guess the Tulsa Police Department is so ready for something to finally happen in their crappy little shitsville throwback that their trigger fingers are a little itchier than other cops'. It all ends with an out-of-focus shot of the ring, which gets picked up the following morning by some vagrant kid... funny, guess that, although the Tulsa PD is ready to blow away guys in capes, they're not too prepared to actually pick up any evidence or clues involved in the case. Also, I guess in all the excitement, the dorky student ALSO forgot all about the diabolic ring that was the whole CAUSE for this incident in the first place! Just another straw to break the Death God's back...

This was an insipid attempt at horror. I don't know how they forced Savini into doing it, I mean, like I said, he must've done some HEAVY partyin' back in his teens to incur this blemish. In addition to the pathetic film quality, the ear bleeding soundtrack, and the sub-amateur directing (I'm going to hunt you and kill you like the real Ripper would, Christopher Lewis), I have to attack one aspect of movies I usually don't bother with: the editing. My problem isn't that it was done badly, but that it wasn't done at all. Remember those seemingly unending 4 minute car "chase" scenes of NIGHT RIPPER? Well, that pain is just a precurser for the 5 minute ballet routine we have to sit through here! Yep, near the beginning, soon after we;re introduced to Dick, we have to grab our ribs in fiery pain, as a 5 minute ballet routine plays out, while Dick pays a visit to his girly girl. Though there are movies worse than THE RIPPER, that list is VEEEEEERY short, and no, not even THE FOREST is on it! One thing you gotta give the flick though, just like a real college professor, Mr. Harwell bored me into unconsciousness with little effort! So real it hurts, though insomniacs will love it...

Sequels: since Tom Savini has apparently regained his self-respect, I think not.

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: going wild on your genitals with a jackhammer while slicing your stomach open with a rusty spork...