SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT hits three despite it's horrible venture into the terrible two's. Last time we left the killer Santa films, Ricky Caldwell (brother of the original slaying St. Nick, Billy Caldwell) was being gunned down by the cops for breaking out of the local asylum and hacking down the Mother Superior of his old orphanage. If you've seen the original SNDN then you know the crotchety old bitch deserved it. As far as that film went, it was horrible. If you saw SNDN then you'd already seen half of SNDN PART 2. The first 25 minutes or so were all flashbacks to the first film! Since that whole insipid and tolerance breaking episode, the makers of SNDN 3 have learned from that crap-fest and SNDN 3 contains very few flashbacks! Unfortunately, director Monte Hellman hasn't picked up much of anything else in his previous film experiences, as everything in this movie ultimately tries to piss on us in a celluloid golden shower. Sure, not one crew member from SNDN PART 2 returns, but this group sure as Hell doesn't fare much better. Well, now that my Christmas is ruined, I guess I'll get on with the review.

Our story opens rather oddly, as we meet a blind chick named Laura (destined to become our hapless protagonist) who is undergoing some kind of radical dream therapy with none other than the artificially supported and comatose body of Ricky Caldwell (now supporting a spiffy new dome where the top of his head used to be, complete with exposed brain). Through Laura's dreams we see what's going on in Ricky's head (I thought that's what the transparent dome was for), which is basically more clips of SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT... guess Hellman didn't learn as much as I thought he did. After the session's over with, Laura's picked up by her brother Chris, who looks like he just escaped from a tragic Sammy Haggar look-a-like contest. Back at the hospital, Ricky is revived, apparently via a psychic link he's created with Laura due to her low level magic brain powers she was endowed with. The first victim of Ricky's revenge is a blitzed out hospital Santa, who just happens to be in the room when the dome-topped psychopath awakens. As you can guess, the boozer has little time to live before our villain slashes him, doing the same to a hospital worker or two as he walks right out of the place like nothing's happened. For some reason Ricky's now after Laura, which makes his psychic link with her all the more beneficial, as he knows what her plans are and where she's going. Speaking of which, Laura and her bro are joined by Chris's girlfriend Jerri as they head out into the country to spend X-Mas with Laura and Chris's grandmother in the backwater speck on the map known as Piru. Better keep an eye out for the Big Bad Wolf kiddies...

On his way to Piru himself, Ricky finds his way to the freeway, where he shuffles along in his hospital gown, brain exposed for all to see and back to his old obsession of killing anyone wearing red. Hitchhiking his way to Piru, our killer makes his way to grandmother's house first, hiding his scalp problem under a knit cap taken from one of his victims. Being the naive and kind old broad she is, granny takes pity on Ricky as a homeless guy and invites him in to share dinner with her. Throughout the meal Ricky simply stares at his plate ("lick my plate you dog dick!"... heh heh, little Bill Moseley humor there), but at least now he's got something on other than that all too revealing hospital garb... not exactly a fashion statement, unless that statement is "getting near me and talking to me are not good ideas at this juncture in my life". Everything seems to be going fine for the two, as granny enjoys the company and helping out a soul in need, and Ricky doesn't feel compelled to slash anyone into stew meat. This all comes down to a crashing end though, as all peaceful moments must in horror films, when granny makes the fatal mistake of offering Ricky a present... wrapped in red paper. Uh-oh, say goodbye to grandma kids, cuz she won't be around for New Year's! We leave this chipper moment though, and rejoin our trio of youngsters. Finally arriving at granny's pad, they settle in under the notion that grandma must be in town picking up ingredients for dinner. Though Laura gets a sense of foreboding and the gut feeling that something bad's going on, Chris and Jerri get another feeling: each other!

Yes, the horny couple retire to the bathtub to enjoy an intimate moment of bathing hijinx, just Jerri, Chris and Chris's tremendous amount of body hair... ever wonder what a Brillo Pad would look like with the mane of an '80s hairband guitarist? Well, now you know... and if you're anything like me, you'll gouge out your eyes and make malt balls out of them after you play audience to this mortifying mass of fuzz. While this personal nightmare on mine plays out, we mercifully turn our attentions elsewhere, as Laura's physician Dr. Newbury (Richard Beymer, who would go on the next year to take up the role of Benjamin Horne in David Lynch's fucked up series "Twin Peaks") and police Lieutenant Connely (Robert Culp, whom I feel I should know for some reason) are on the hunt for their escaped holiday buzzkiller and the youngsters he's targeted... and they could REALLY use a steady cam too, because watching them bounce up and down in their car is giving me motion sickness... and I'm not even moving damn it! Back at grandmother's house, while the kids are chatting and shootin' the shit, awaiting granny's return, they suddenly realize that their car seems to have driven off on it's own and crashed itself down the road... and if you'll believe that ladies, then sucking my dick will give you magic powers. When our trio returns from discovering their car smashed to shit, they find one of Laura's pictures has gone missing too, and that the phone is, uhm, "dead". I can only hope these people follow suit, and SOON.

Finally working up the madness to do something, Ricky makes his move, going against standard slasher strategy and attacking all three people head on. While Jerri panics and paints her panties several unflattering colors (and odors, uggh), Laura sits there calmly and Chris tries to fend the maniacal human Grinch with a kitchen knife... with NO music... there's music throughout the entire rest of the film, but THIS, a moment that's supposed to be all dramatic and intense, is where the soundtrack falls mute... the proper music can be used to scare the shit out of your audience, while no music can just make them laugh their asses off in mockery. Though he seems fended off for the time being, Ricky comes back and takes Chris out later, leaving only the girls to hold their own. As all you slasher veterans out there know, Jerri doesn't have long for this world now. But, could it be that help has arrived and the womens will be saved after all? Why yes, Dr. Newbury DOES arrive, but he's shit for a savior, as he tries to defeat Ricky with mindgames. Well, as we saw from Donald Pleasance in ALONE IN THE DARK, well meaning psychology doesn't mean shit against a madman with a knife. The girls cower inside the house, only to get just what I was predicting as Jerri is mutilated next, leaving Laura and only Laura to stop the monster. Ricky finds her in the basement, but Laura evens up the playing field, making up for her "handicapableness" by taking out the lights, leaving her attacker in the dark as well.

Despite the impairment of Ricky's vision, he still comes close to taking care of Laura, until the once thought dead Chris pops up for a little more screen time, blasting Ricky with a shotgun! This seems to do little more than hurt Ricky's ass in the fall though, as he gets right up and clocks Chris, knocking him out of the game for the second time. Now, without further ado, Ricky advances toward Laura to... fall on the end of a broken mop handle she happens to be holding... hmmmm, ok. Well, as long as it's over. Of course, another slasher constant occurs as the cops show up just in time to be too late to have any kind of affect on the outcome. With that, allow me to get the real complaints underway. First of all, what the fuck was going on with Ricky? The only enjoyable element of the film would have to have been Bill Moseley. Best known by horror fans for his cult classic role of the shell shocked Chop Top in Tobe Hooper's TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2, Bill replaces the guy who initially played the role of the younger of the disturbed Caldwell boys, donning yet another piece of bizarre headgear only to have his madman talents wasted. Little St. Nick in the original tale of "The Night Before Christmas", Mr. Moseley "spoke not a word" until the very end, when he hisses out a raspy "and a happy New Year". Other than that, the only lines he had were drawing out Laura's name in heavy whispers. What a waste for a man who takes the term "crazy son of a bitch" to an art. Maybe if he wasn't wearing that Flash Gordon Yahmicka (don't ask me to spell it) and if he had some nerve rattling lines I could've taken Ricky a little more serious.

As far as the other cast members, I couldn't have given a shit about any one of them, including our heroine Laura, who should've been sympathetic, but instead turns out just as uninteresting as everyone else, even WITH her psychic powers! The really thorn in my ass was definitely Laura Harring, the girl who played Jerri. She crapped out some of the most pathetic lines with the worst execution I've seen since THE FOREST! The best part of the movie? WHEN SHE DIED! The soundtrack was far from special, but oddly enough it was sorely missed at the times we could've used it, yet it was absent. Hellman's direction was also nothing of real interest, especially not when the story was so cut and paste that, were it not a SNDN sequel, I wouldn't be able to distinguish it from most other slasher fodder. Executive Producers Richard Gladstein and Ronna Wallace would go on to produce the final two SNDN films as well, while Hellman would apparently hang up his directing pants, as far as I've been able to find anyway. And I think we all agree that that's a good thing. Gladstein and Wallace would also go on to produce the classic Quentin Tarantino film RESERVOIR DOGS, and Gladstein would also take a hand in the production of Tarantino's other pictures PULP FICTION and JACKIE BROWN. All of these great movies in their own right... which makes you wonder how twisted fate is to have put them on this flick first... My fellow Godz must've been on some heavy sedatives when it came to picking out futures for these two.

If you haven't gathered the jist of this pic, then allow me to summarize my feelings right now in two simple words: razor blades. Why razor blades? Because that is what I'd rather swallow than watch this movie again. Wait, screw that, why should I have to suffer? Instead, I think that everyone involved (with the exception of Bill Moseley of course) will be eating them instead! See ya at breakfast time folks... and bring your own spoons.

Sequels: SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT 4: THE INITIATION; SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT 5: THE TOYMAKER

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: HALLOWEEN 5: THE REVENGE OF MICHAEL MYERS or ALONE IN THE DARK