The final film of the great (and now all but forgotten) Raul Julia, STREET FIGHTER is not an adaptation of the video game of the same name, but contains charaters based upon those of the game. Were I Mr. Julia, I would claw my way back from Hell, scratch my way through 6ft of dirt and wood splinters up my fingernails back to daylight and go to Hollywood to find work, simply because STREET FIGHTER is NOT what I would want to be known as my last cinematic role. I would worm my way into any role, even a cameo in a Joel Shumacher tragedy, as long as it meant that STREET FIGHTER would not by my final film. Perhaps I will actually let Raul do so, after I'm done making he, Charlie Chaplin and Lily Tomlin re-inact HOWARD THE DUCK for the 37,000th time... they're up to # 27,514 so far, and it just keeps getting funier everytime I see it! Maybe I'll add James Dean and Janis Joplin to the cast for the next 30 or 40 shows. Hey, "the Producers" ain't got nothin' on my show! I love legitimate afterlife theatre (pronounced "thee-A-tur").

So, like I said, this film is based upon the popular video game "Street Fighter II". This is wrong though, as several of the characters featured are actually from the "Super Street Fighter II" installment of the series... despite what the know-nothing credit dicks say... I'm such a dork. Though the game is based on a simple fighting format, the writers decided NOT to do the MORTAL KOMBAT thing and center the movie around a tournament fighting style, but instead made it a G.I. Joe action war movie with fruity costumes... Why don't they just bring in a lame-ass action movie star to make it worse?! Oh wait, they did... Yep, Jean-Claude Van Damme is the star of the show, playing Allied Nations military Colonel William Guile. Guile and his group of politically correct soldiers (including his pals Cammy and T. Hawk, both game characters) are ordered to march into the small corrupt nation of Shadoloo (think of it as Iraq) and kick out it's dictator Master Bison (Raul Julia, think of Bison as Hussein). Problem is, Bison's got his own legion of fanatics and street fighters, as well as a group of hostages his men took. If the AN doesn't pay his outlandish ransom within three days, he wastes the hostages, so that's how long Guile and his boys (and girls) have to hunt the madman, locate his lair and stop him dead in his tracks, making the world safe for commerce and free trade and shit.

Now, every good dictatorial psychopath has to get his weapons from somewhere, right? Bison's supplier is former cage fighting gangster Sagat... don't be fooled by the title, he doesn't actually fight cages, he just fights INSIDE them. Now, every gun runner needs to get his guns from somewhere so he can sell them to the consumer, right? Well, Sagat's suppliers are black market salemen Ken and Ryu: they're not just friends, they're also sparring partners! Anyway, turns out Ken and Ryu are actually good guys, and smart ass good guys at that, as they try to sell Sagat crates full o' Nerf guns instead of real armaments. Too bad for them the wiley old cyclopian coot is too, uhm, wiley for their pranks, discovering the switch LONG before. As punishment for the snot nosed bastards, Sagat sets them up on a fight card with his right hand man and protege: Vega, the Spanish ninja. First Ryu will face the pretty boy Spaniard in a deadly cage fight (again, INSIDE a cage, not against a cage) while Ken watches. Then, when Vega presumably slices the Jap into cutlets, it'll be cracker boy's turn. Though we all know Ryu would've kicked Vega's claw wielding ass (that's an amusing thought), the fight is interupted before it can begin, when Guile and his "crowd control" car blast through the wall and arrest everyone for curfew violation! Typical, the UN, err, AN waltzes into an oppressed country to free it's people, only to oppress them themselves... that's the "good guys" for ya.

In the AN's makeshift prison, Ken and Ryu get into trouble from Sagat and Vega and their inmate peers. A veritable riot ensues, after which Guile decides to hire the heroic partners to do a little mole work for him. The trio constructs an elaborate scheme to not only get them into Bison's legions (thus leading the AN forces to Bison's secret hideout), but to make Bison think that his greatest opposition, Guile, is dead and no longer a threat! Awful strange for Van Damme to come up with a "brilliant" plan like that. The plan plays out like this: while trnasporting the prisoners to a more secure location, Ryu and Ken get into a staged argument. When the gaurds break them up, Ken swipes the keys to their cuffs and they release themselves, along with Sagat and Vega. The four will escape the compound, "shooting" Guile in the process. Hopefully, this joint escape will get Ryu and Ken in good again with Sagat and he will buddy up enough with them that he'll take them to Bison's fortress as back-up. Simple enough, right? Well, it's simple enough (as is Sagat) that the plan works and before you know it the world is hearing of Guile's demise and the four guys responsible are sharing cookies and milk and fucking each other's sisters. Meanwhile, Guile and friends aren't the only ones with plans to off Bison, as we discover when we meat, uhm, sorry, "meet" Chinese reporter Chun-Li Zang and her two man production crew.

See, later on we'll learn that Chun-Li lived in a small village as a child and her father, the magistrate of said village, was killed by a young Bison and his drug dealing thugs when they raided the small town for supplies. Her father's death pissed her off royaly and she decided to take up the martial arts so she could some day get close enough to snap Bison's wrinkled neck and avenge her dead papa. Her cameraman Balrog is pissed at Bison, because somehow Bison is responsible for his boxing career taking a dive into the shitter. Technical man Edmund Honda has the same grudge, only his sport is sumo wrestling... typical athletes, they get old and flabby and brittle and they blame the latest flavor-of-the-month warlord for all their problems. This trio's elaborate scheme for victory plays like this: using their journalistic abilities to search out their enemy, the trio will hunt Bison to his little terrorist flea market. While he's there, they will put on a little flashy show to both entertain and distract the evil fiend and his minions. When the time is right, they send a truck packed with explosives into Bison's tent, blowing him and all his toys of war to smitherines and the like. unfortunately, there's a snag and everything kinda fucks up, leaving Chun-Li and her boys to be captured by the enemy... of which Ken and Ryu are apparently a part... maybe if the good guys worked together they'd have taken out Bison and friends by now! There's no "I" in "team" you guys, though there are a few in "dipshits".

Now, I'd like to take the next paragraph to acknowledge the lesser characters of the film, simply because sometimes they stand out better than the dinguses heading the show. First on the good guys' side is Cammy. She's Guile's right hand babe and pretty much just eye-candy to keep the lady lovers (whether they be men or women) entertained. She's got that "so cute you wanna blow a load on 'em" pigtails look going on, though unlike the game, she's wearing pants. In the game she's got this revealing one-piece leotard that creeps nice and far up her ass while making her boobs extra bouyant. Here she's wearing military issue pants and a jacket, though she wears that beret far better than Monica ever did. Also under Guile (scary thought) is his pal T. Hawk, who's distinguished by his fellow soldiers by the bandage on his head... the costume designer for this movie must have been paid ahead of time and just slacked off after putting together the basic outfits. Next is Guile's friend Carlos "Charlie" Blanka. Chuck was captured along with several other AN soldiers when Bison and friends kidnapped their current stock of hostages. Since he learned Chuck was a good pal of his nemesis Guile, Bison had him experimented on by his evil scientists and kidnapped scientist Dr. Dhalsim. Carlos is slowly turned into a genetic freak with superhuman strength and green skin (and a crazy red 'fro), but the good Dr. Dhalsim screws with Blanka's mental conditioning half way through, switching him from CLOCKWORK ORANGE-like visions to happy scenes of weddings and bunnies and all the other shit that makes my stomach churn and bile. So, Blanka is pretty much the film's Frankenstein Monster. Finally we have Bison's special minions (the ones who don't wear funny looking motorcycle helmets with ornamental wings on the sides) Dee Jay (Tomb idol Miguel A. Nunez Jr.!) and Zangief. Dee Jay is a Jamaican computer whiz that Bison bought from Bill Gates. He's greedy and runs at the first sign of danger. He's also basically there to foil the stupidity of Zangief. Zangief is a big Russian juggernaut who deffinately has more muscle than brains, as he thinks that Bison is the one on the side of good and liberty. Where as some Russians aren't dumb, simply confused, Zangief is actually just stupid. His retardation makes for some amusing moments though. Okay, back to the important guys...

With their moles firmly planted, Guile and his troops lace up their boots and prepare their assault of Bison's HQ, despite orders from those paper pushing pussies in the AN telling the troops to step down while they pay off the madman instead, allowing Bison to plow the world's ass like a big steel blade through soft top soil. But, as I said, Guile basically tells the suit and ties guys to go fuck themselves while he and his soldiers pack into their invisible boat and go beat on some villains! Speaking of Bison, he changes into something a litle more comfortable and puts on his "drives the ladies wild like Spanish Fly" hat before trying to charm Chun-Li into playing nice with him. Here, in his falsest state of security, Chun-Li opts to attack the despot, and boy does she kick his ass! However, when Ken and Ryu appear with their new friends Balrog and Honda (who they helped escape interrogation by a big gay whipmaster), Chun-Li is distracted just long enough for Bison to hide in his little glass elevator and gas the room, knocking out our heroes so they can be captured once more, including Ryu and Ken, whose covers have now been blown. But, Guile and his invisible motorboat will save them, right? Nope, cuz Bison's high tech radar systems have unmasked Guile's good ship lollipop, and with the use of his arcade joystick controlled mine field, the red breasted tyrant blows up some $60 million dollars in AN merchandise! No surprise though, as Guile, Cammy and T. Hawk escaped the explosion somehow (that or they're really from the planet Krypton) and continue their little raid of Bison's base. Soon enough, Bison also finds out the hard way that his perfect killing machine mutant project was a big fuck up, as Guile, not a freakish Blanka, emerges amongst the hostages and attacks Bison! As for the real Blanka, he's down in the basement beating up Bison's troops and protecting Dhalsim! Okay, we're almost done here people, just hold on a little bit longer...

Before you know it the heroes are free and everybody is either shooting each other or wrestling. The hostages are saved, Ken and Ryu beat on Vega and Sagat, Zangief learns that he's been on the side of evil this whole time and decides to join the good guys (this after a Clash of the Titans whoop-ass-fest with Honda, including a poke at the "Godzilla vs." movies), Guile sends a Nazi Superman (who is our superior.. from the creator of Itchy & Scratchy) Bison to a "shocking" death in a wall of TV sets, and the greedy Dee Jay escapes with his "severance pay": a trunk full of worthless Bison dollars... guess he should've stayed with microsoft. As for Blanka, he stays to die in the exploding headquarters because he's too ugly to live in the real world. Dhalsim stays too to atone for his sins in helping mutate the poor innocent army man. The surviving "street fighters" (and I use the term looser than Cher's 97 year old bearded clam) then jump into their video game victory poses for a final dramatic shot. But damn it, Cammy's wearing pants! WE DON'T GET TO SEE HER LEOTARD JAMMED UP HER ANUS! BASTARDS!!! And then the whole mess is dedicated to Raul before the credits role and the film's Robin Williams guy does all his "How dumb are Bison soldiers?" gags. Heard 'em all before, only when I heard 'em they involved Germans and Polish people, sometimes Russians.

Though I hate this film, the more I watch it the lest potently painful it becomes. I've seen it enough times so far that it's actually becoming tolerable! You start to forget that most of the actors don't carry the physical presence of the characters they portray. Most notable of this bad casting is Miguel Nunez Jr., who's only about half the bulk of the massive Dee Jay! Same problem with the guy who played T. Hawk and Raul Julia as Bison ,though in the casting person's defense, Raul did cough out an amusing madman performance before he croaked. Sagat was way too short and feeble, Ryu actually looked a little more Chinese than Japanese, Dhalsim had hair, Cammy had those damn pants and where the Hell was Fei Long?! He's the only "Super Street Fighter II" character left out! Also, though Van Damme physically resembles the bad ass Colonel Guile, he was missing two things: that brush top haircut and a believable American accent! Guile is American dammitt, born and bred! Van Damme's about as American as apple schnitzel at Oktoberfest! Fuckin' Belgian pud whacker... The only real good adaptation of video game character to screen character was Vega. Jay Tavere (whose only other role would be as a terrorist in the Kurt Russel - Steven Seagal dump EXECUTIVE DECISION) actually looked like Vega! He was built just right, his face was Vega-esque in structure and he just gets the tip of my shroud for being the best physical adaptation of the whole cast.

Other than the bad casting, the story just wasn't Street Fighter worthy. This is probably the closest anyone will ever see to a live action G.I. Joe flick, which is peculiar, since the original "Street Fighter II" action figures were of the little G.I. Joe variety... And by the way, another note to those dick heads who wrote this flick: Balrog works for Bison in the game, he doesnn't oppose him! What, they gave Dee Jay to Bison and decided that it wouldn't be right for him to have all the black fighters? Were they afraid that the African-American community would get upset and go all NEW JACK CITY on their asses if there wasn't at least one black hero?! Bah. The sets weren't bad (Bison's central command was fairly sweet), but the music was very very weak, not just because I hate techno hip hop shit, but because it was also unprofessional techno hip hop shit and it just wasn't heavy enough for a movie that's supposed to be so action oriented. Some of the fight scenes were impressive though, especially the high flying backflip moves and shit that they adpated from the characters' actual game moves. In the end, I'd say that if you're a fan of Raul Julia or Van Damme, or you're just looking for a stupidly amusing flick to go all MST3K on with your friends, then STREET FIGHTER is your Jell-O Pudding Pop. But, if you're a big fan of the game and expect the movie to be the same, I'd stay away and go rent the animated Street Fighter II flick. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for some more HOWARD THE DUCK: THE MUSICAL!

Sequels: Nope, but you might wanna play any of the numerous Street Fighter games.

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: MORTAL KOMBAT or 9 DEATHS OF THE NINJA