Five years before SCREAM was defacing horror, mainly the slasher genre, scarring it with the pale pseudonym of "scary movies", there was THERE'S NOTHING OUT THERE. Five years before that annoying dweeb Randy was schooling poseur horror fans on the rules of getting killed by psychos in Halloween masks, equally annoying dweeb Mike was doing the same thing, expanding from not only slasher films, but to monster flix. The big difference is that Mike does it for the real horror fans with plenty of tongue-in-cheek lines and sight gags, while that twit Randy just pulled out the simple tongue-in-(ass)cheek jokes so as not to alienate the poseurs who know nothing about real horror movies, like he should've. Maybe if he had there wouldn't be SCREAM Christmas cards and Ghostface keychains for all the nightclubbing bitches in Tommy shirts... and sadly I'm talking about Tommy Buttplugger, not the Who musical. Yeah, I'm on a tangent, and I should be looking at the positive aspects that SCREAM had on the horror commuity, but I liked it better when all the incompitent teeny-bopper lame-asses of the world were busy trying to figure out which retro-style they'd try to copy next. Damn it, I'm devoting the first half of the review to a movie I hate when I should be sticking to the far more entertaining movie at hand! Damn you Wes Craven! First you sell out (TWICE!) and now you interfere in my reviews! Dirty ass goblin!

Alright, anyway, out film opens with a babe in a video store. It's not just any video store though, as it's walls are adorned with MANY MANY horror movie posters! Looks kinda like a prototype for my own video store, only without the real human skulls lining the doorways and chicken blood spilling down the walls. The girl is then stalked by an unseen assailant renting a copy of "Fangoria's Weekend of Horrors" as he pursues her through the store. Suddenly she wakes up in her car, just in time to drive it off the road and realize the whole store ordeal was just a bad dream. Then, out of nowhere, she's confronted by a slimy green beast from outer space as it attacks her with it's big probing tentacles! All this before the opening credits even! After this happy beginning, we are then introduced to our real cast: a typically average group of Spring Breakers on their way to vacation at a secluded cabin in the woods... this is what's known as, "the obvious set-up". Everyone in the group is just another everyday American youth, wearing casual everyday clothes, driving their casual everyday van, and engaging in casual everyday acts of premarital groping and molestation. Well, everyone except for Mike, who's the average everyday horror fan: no girlfriend, annoying, lacking in social skills, and the only person who realizes they're in a movie and will likely be the only survivor. He maps out the mistakes made by his friends along the way, constantly singing their downfalls for not listening to his sage-like video rental store advice. In other words, he's H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S.. Hell, the forgein exchange chick in the group even says so word-for-word!

Upon arrival to the cabin, our cast meets a group of skinny-dipping potheads, "born to be murder victims". You think they're going to be the killer space demon's next victims, but that's not the case, as they simply pack u ptheir stuff and head off for their original destination, "a cabin by the lake"... wonder if their friend in the hockey mask will be waiting up for them. As for our characters, they go about settling into the cabin and preparing for their imminent demises at the slimy tendrils of their killer. Later, after nightfall, one of the couples goes out to the ominous surrounding forest to acquire some firewood. They drop their flashlight, which goes out of course and the two scowwer the ground in their search... which is amusing, because though it's supposed to be pitch black out, and they can't seem to locate their hands in front of their beady eyes, the whole fucking area is lit up like noon in the Sahara! Soon after, the green meanie eats the man and the wench clocks her head off a tree in her attempt to escape. Back at the cabin, everyone's getting laid, except for Mike of course, who's fortifying his room to fend off any ax murderers or bug-eyed mutants that might visit him during the evening. Speaking of those wacky teens getting their rocks off, we're privy to some real life sexual mishaps, as Jimmy and his girlfriend have their foreplay postponed because Jimmy's zipper is stuck... I'm sure we can all relate to poor Jimmy's situation, right guys? Well, then Mike walks in on them, continuing to babble on about the green beasty. This leads to some two man slapstick that ends with Mike locked in the basement by his unhappy peers. Also in the basement? Yep, it's the alien.

Not to worry though, as the geek escapes through the basement window, evading brain sucking for the moment. As for the missing couple that got chowwed in the forest (no! no more cannibal hermits and dead children!), the group figures they're just playing a trick on them, in "cahoots" with the wacky Mike. They change their tune though, when the gooey green muppet goes public, wasting one of the guys and zapping one of the broads with some low-grade green eye beams! Hey, the proof is in the pudding... or the vodka... get it, "proof"?... why do I bother... Well, Mike and the last of the women lock themselves in his room and try to figure out a way of stopping the creature. Meanwhile, Nick is in town trying to summon a plumber, which means Mike is the only guy in a bedroom with several women... were this not a low budget horror movie, I'd expect to hear some funky music blasting like that in a bad porn! Speaking of which, that's movie needs: another scene of random sex shots. Then, as the forgein girl who kissed the tree earlier returns only to be sexually assaulted by the monster while the other two girls get into a cat fight! This brought on of course by those green eye beams, which are used to control the minds of the weeemen, like super intergallactic Spanish Fly! Mike saves the day though, courtesy of some deadly shaving foam and a lethal sliding glass door! Way to go you obnoxious dork!

Now, there's only two people left alive and uncontrolled in the house: Mike and his polar opposite Stacey. The uneasy comrades lock themselves in the basement while they try to come up with a plan to use the alien's stupidity against it. Luckily Nick returns with a plumber in tow, and our heroes manage to get the thing to zap itself with it's own eye beams. This stuns it long enough for the guys to pile into the car for an escape... which gets botched when they drive the car into the pond... these guys couldn't get out of a wet paper bag without at least two of them dying in the process! After dragging themselves out of the water they then watch in horror as the plumber too falls victim to the terror's hunger. Finally, having hab enough of the ghoulie's bullshit, they formulate a plan. Through the courtesy of mirrors and some household distractions, they sucker the foo' (whom I pity) into the oven , where they bblow it to many bite-sized fragments of chewy happy goodness. Then they all pack into the plumber's van and finally drive off to safety, this time avoiding the water hazzards and the Dukes of Hazzard too. They pick up a hitchhiker (the babe from the opening car crash), then realize that she's got green eyes and boother out. Hmmm, I personally prefer babes with green eyes, but then again, I didn't just get down fighting off a hungry monster... oh wait, yes I did! Oh, wait again, I AM the hungry monster! And it's time to munch on the kitties...

THERE'S NOTHING THERE is great if you're a real horror fan like myself. The acting and special FX are bad, but if you keep in mind that this is a parody, it actually seems like they meant it to be like that. The jokes are many, ranging from the visual to the audio, the best of which probably being the moment when Mike swings out of the monster's path... using the boom mic! Like I said, if you're into real horror movies and not all the off-colored shit loaves pinched out since '96, you'll probably pick up on all the comedy abounds in this flick. If you're one of the trendy wretches I've been bitching about this entire time, I suggest you just forget this and watch SCARY MOVIE, which is far more your pace. Hey, if you're H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S., then THERE'S NOTHING OUT THERE should be your TEN COMMANDMENTS! 'Nuff said shithead!

Sequels: Nope

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: SCARY MOVIE or STUDENT BODIES