Of all the milestones of the '80s, few can compare to the Corey fad. I don't mean "compare" in terms of importance, shock value or even mental scarification, but in the terms of ridiculousness. In a decade known for excess and odd fads (though every decade has it's own trends that seem like cultural rest stops in Bizarro World when you think about it), 10 years that introduced us to He-Man, Pee Wee Herman, cubist puzzle boxes, Laser Tag, a president who used to be an actor (a horrible one at that), MTV, "Weird Al" Yankovic, Hulk Hogan (speaking of horrible actors...), Nintendo and more bad horror movies then you could shake the entire cast of "That '80s Show" at, there were the Corey movies. Corey Feldman and Corey Haim made several movies together, and the chicks digged the trendy style of Haim and the bad boy rebellion of "The Feld" (as I call him), and both made lots of money off of teenage girls and lonely middle aged women just looking to sink their teeth into the next piece of Hollywood ass they could find. From License To Drive to The Lost Boys, there were moist young panties as far as the nose could smell... and many a busted gut from guys like me who, even at that impressionable age, knew cinematic cheddar when we saw it. But, you can only beat a dead horse so much before it's eyes burst out and fly down your throat like a golden moment in Sam Raimi's filmography, so it was inevitable that the two young male actors would go their separate ways in an attempt to prove to their fans, their agents, themselves and the rest of Hollywood that they weren't one trick ponies and that they could make it on their own... boy were they wrong... and the evidence? Name one movie either one has been in in the past 10 years that made it into theaters... exactly.

While "The Feld" went on to do stuff like Dennis Miller's Tales From The Crypt flick Bordello Of Blood, the Direct-to-Video Voodoo and his voice acting of Donatello in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies, Haim went on to do his own line of forgettable films, none of which has spawned more sequels/remakes than Watchers, based on the Dean Koontz novel of the same name and brought from the bowels of the celluloid lake of fire courtesy of Roger "I am the bane of Anubis's existence" Corman, who has been shitting in my cereal bowl with such floaters as Vampirella, Burial Of The Rats and of course, those fucking Carnosaur movies... those were particularly unsavory bits and pieces in my Cinnamon Toast Crunch I assure you. And yet, somehow, this guy's been doing this for nearly half a century and shows no signs of stopping, producing bomb after bomb after bomb. You'd think after what's happened in the country over the years, somebody would've taken down Corman long ago for being such a threat to America. Damn video store terrorist.

So, with a combination like Corey Haim, Roger Corman and Dean Koontz, will I like this movie? Well, we already know I don't like Haim and Corman, for different reasons but I look on them with dislike just the same. As for Koontz, I'm illiterate as you all know, so I've never read a Koontz novel. Hey, until Dean starts writing for Marvel Comics, my eyes are busy elsewhere... by the way ma'am, did you realize you're not wearing a bra? Uhm, anyway, enough with the small talk kids, let's get down to the meat and potatoes. I got a bowl of Honey Bunches Of Oates waiting for me when this is over and if I wait too long the horrid taste of Future Kick will have permeated every last oat cluster, leaving me with funny colored sewage on my spoon.... and I'm sure nobody needed to hear that, right? Our story opens like any Corman movie, as the Vanadyne research facility explodes suddenly, sending a big ball of fire into the sky and two lifeforms into the surrounding forest. One of these lifeforms is a lovable golden retriever, much like the one from Homeward Bound, only without the voice of Cocoon's Don Ameche. The other creature is, well, a very unfriendly looking beast whose implications from the people of Vanadyne were likely military. You know, one of those "perfect soldiers" that are meant to be dropped into the enemy's backyard and is then left to tear every last opponent of democracy a new asshole before it does one of three things: (1) melt into a pile of biodegradable ooze (2) shut itself down after 3 days of action and await pick up by a special security force or (3) die and become a special Spam™ (with pro-Capitalism, mind altering drugs) for the local civilians to eat, a special gift from their friends on the Capitalist shores of the USA!

From a conversation between two Vanadyne chaps, one a scientist and the other a corporate "cleaner" by the name of Ben/Lem Johnson (Michael Ironside!), reveals that the dog and the other beast (known as an OXCOM, which is an acronym I don't really care enough about to spell out for you) are telepathically linked. Not only this, but the dog is apparently super smart and it's link with the OXCOM is to bring the monster to the dog within 72 hours, so the beast can kill it, meanwhile tearing up every man, woman and hot dog stand that stands in it's way... wow, a monster created to slaughter Golden Retrievers... yeah, typical waste of tax dollars if I've ever heard of one. And somehow, Dean Koontz made a mint off of this concept with the book, not to mention the 3 sequels... well, not a mint, but a generic mint-like candy that's been sitting under my driver's seat for a few months and has melted into the dirt and hair to create an entirely new entity. Anyway, speaking of targets and things that need to die, young sex machine Travis (yep, it's Haim-er Time) and his sexbox girlfriend Tracy introduce themselves to us as they're about to trade meat products in the seclusion of a barn. Too bad for them, Tracy's shotgun wielding father happens along, though Travis manages his daring escape to his beat up old pick-up truck (a BIG change in transport from License To Drive) and heads home, oblivious to the presence of a certain super intelligent canine hidden in the truck bed. And here's a hint: it's not Benji or Lassie or Rin-Tin-Tin. Give up? Well, if you can't figure it out by this point I'm not telling. In fact, if you're still scratching that dried and flaky scalp of yours with a wire hanger and eating the fragments, then I think you could benefit from a Louisville Slugger upside your coconut. Just gimme a minute, I'm sure I've got one around here somewhere for emergency cases such as yours...

So, Travis winds up with the pooch. But, if he's got the mutt, then where's it's mutated bestial better half of this science fair experiment gone awry? Why, that's busy killing Tracy's dad... looks like Travis doesn't have anything to worry about now! Oh, wait, the killer monster that's bound to be trying to eat his brain and rip his girlfriend into Beggin' Strips™, almost forgot. The obligatory Old Yeller relationship buds between Travis and his furry, four-legged partner, despite the news that Tracy's dad is dead and she's gone missing. As for what the local fuzz are doing about it, they think the grisly scene was the work of a bear or Bigfoot... though I guess they're both right... As for this Old Yeller thing, maybe we'll get a pleasant twist in the final scene and Yeller will be the one holding the gun and Travis will be the one with the smoking hole in his head and his brains painting the walls. While these two frolic and play and mom, who was against the idea at first, slowly feels her heart melt (that might be the searing hot coals I stuffed in there), the Outside eXperimental COmbat Mammal (yes, I was nice and explained the whole OXCOM thing) is busy ripping new assholes for innocent people in it's way and stealing their eyeballs, due to some glitch in it's genetic programming that's been hampering it's advancement for sometime... so the thing's got a taste for eyes, why's that a handicap? I'd think you'd want something twisted like that in a genetic tool of genocide you plan to aim at people who don't follow your belief system? Then again, there could be deep rooted control issues there too. What good is a beast like the OXCOM if the people responsible for dropping it off at it's location are too busy getting their eyes slurped and turned into patte?

When they're unable to find Tracy at the local hospital, Travis, Fur Face (the dog's new name) and mom head back home to play around and astound themselves with just how smart this stupid mutt is... as opposed to going out and looking for Tracy or what she's got to do with this big secret that Major Johnson (haha, "Major Johnson") is obviously covering up, as he turns them away from the medical facilities, assuring them Tracy's alright. As if matters couldn't get worse, not only are we forced to put up with Corey Haim's ridiculous perm, but we're also subjected to his good friend, played by Jason Priestly... you're a long way from 90210 Priestly-Boy! OXCOM's pursuit of Fur Face and his human lead it to Travis's high school, where the creature makes Hamburger Helper out of Trav's teacher, a janitor and 1 of 2 constables that show up to investigate. The other cop escapes with his oculars in tact though, and runs off to call into the pig pen for back-up. He also informs the media of the biggest thing to hit this sleepy town since the widow Maude's prize winning zucchini crop!... though it was what the widow was caught doing WITH those tubular veggies at the county fair that gave the farmers' wives and daughters something to think about. That was an interesting 73 minutes in my childhood I'll never forget... because I've got it on tape... heh heh. But, this lucky-to-this-point officer finally sees his luck run out, as Johnson, obviously in an effort to cover up the situation and his company's involvement, kills the blue man... then plucks out his eyes... uhm, is this an effort to place the blame of this murder on the OXCOM as well, or is there something more sinister at work inside Mr. Johnson's head?

With Fur Face's help, our young hero Travis finally figures out that this rash of feral slaughters are all happening to people that have been around the mutt recently. So, to save the people he loves and spare anymore of the senseless violence this movie so desperately needs to keep my interest, Travis decides he and the dog gotta go on the lamb and hide out somewhere. Yeah, great idea Trav, instead of just giving the stupid dog to the monster and putting a low casualty rate end to this Corman melodrama, you instead risk your life, your mother's life and the lives of everyone you happen to bump into on your journey. Perfect example of this is the near fatal run-in with the monster when it finds Travis's home, ending when Travis, mom and Fur Face narrowly escape in their beat up pick-up, their home devastated. Fugitives from the beast, the trio stay the night at a small motor lodge, where Johnson catches up to them and attempts a capture. Mom gives herself up and is taken into custody while our defunct duo slip out the back door (or back window to be anal) and continue their one-man, one-dog crusade to their secluded cabin in the woods. Aw, how romantic, maybe Travis and Fur Face can finally put the hectic life of high school, family turmoil and vicious test tube Sasquatch behind them and rekindle their love affair with themselves and illegal interspecial fluid swapping.

Convinced that he's John Rambo and the only way to end this movie is with a big final stand-off against his pursuer(s), Travis fortifies the cabin and prepares for battle, all against the dog's better judgment. Who gives a fuck what the pooch says anyway, despite all his "advanced, human-like intelligence", he can't even play Scrabble™ right! As for mom, while under Johnson's custody she finds Tracy, and the two manage to escape together and head for the cabin. You have to wonder what it takes to become a high class security officer in these movies anyway. Not only can these people not find a 7' tall wild man on crack with an eyeball fetish, but they're also outsmarted left and right by Corey Haim and a dog, and they can't even keep a single mother and a teenage girl in custody. Somehow I have to think that the entrance exam for becoming a National Security Organization agent and an Imperial stormtrooper for quelling Ewok activity on Endor are very similar. Anyway, Johnson and his partner follow their fugitives to the secluded cabin, where Johnson intends to kill everyone, including his fodder partner when he refuses to play ball. Here's when Johnson reveals that, yes, he is in fact a third Vanadyne experiment: a man with no conscience, the ultimate killing machine... not a machine in the literal sense, like The Terminator, though he probably wishes he was when Travis stabs him in the throat and mom unloads a shotgun into his chest! Well, with Johnson out of the picture now, that just leaves the raging hellbeast OXCOM to deal with... which arrives promptly on time. After it kicks mom's ass and tosses Fur Face through a windshield, Travis goes into Manly Hunting Guy mode, unloading a few rounds of precious gunfire into the soft flesh of the creature, then stalks it through the forest to finish it off. Some elite killing machine. It kills teachers and janitors and dogs, but it can't even kill Corey Haim and his deadly boy perm. Oh well, everyone lives, they head for a veterinarian to patch up their dog and become one big family as happy music plays to announce the end and their cabin burns to the ground. Oh, it's over? Good, I was starting to blackout there for a minute...

As you can pretty much guess, this is far from being a "Corman Classic", like Deathrace 2000. Major gripes come at the expense of Corey Haim for being whiny and annoying as usual, a serious lack in graphic violence (of which the inclusion of Jason Priestly's horrible death, mauling and maybe even defiling of at the hands of the monster would've been a BIG plus) and one of THE stupidest stories I've ever had the displeasure of saying "who the fuck came up with this b-movie brain hemorrhage?!" to myself repeatedly through out. The only real saving grace of the flick was Michael Ironside, who always manages to play the role of "Serious Hard-Ass #1" to a perfect 'T'. He makes me want to watch Scanners for 97th time. I have to wonder if his whole "man without conscience" role was just a part of the story or if he really IS a Hollywood experiment to genetically engineer the perfect malicious villain... Unfortunately, one man cannot carry a movie on his own, as Ironside was aided very little by the rest of the cast, even the monstrous OXCOM, who looked like the bastard offspring of the monkey creature in Creepshow and an extra from Troll II. First time director John Hess, who didn't give us much to look at here, dusted himself off after Watchers and would drag his name further through the mud and various shapes and sizes of animal waste to bring about a couple more weak little flicks, including the notably limp-wristed Alligator II: The Mutation. Of course Corey Haim went on to make more crappy movies, teaming up a few more times with his better half "The Feld" to make more movies no one ever cared about, until finally falling down to the bottom of the obscurity well, where he lies cold and broken to this day, making Direct-to-Video crap like The Back Lot Murders that sail far too low beneath my radar for me to give a wet fart. And with that, I think I've said enough. Time to go choke down another bowl of Corman Crispies™...

Sequels: Watchers II; Watchers III; Watchers Reborn

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: Frankenstein Reborn or The Vindicator