Acbar and Ackbar (with a “k”) Couldn’t Care Less About Campaign Finance Reform
Looking back on it all with careful, deliberate concentration and consideration, I’d have to conclude that the greatest invention to ever benefit mankind is the superball. Think about it. Where would we be without the superball? Children everywhere would be yearning to bounce a small sphere hard against the alabaster floors of the rumpus room and watch it ricochet therein and destroy expensive vases. The bouncy ball did not suffice, you see. It was pink and rubbery and hollow and when it aged, it cracked and became disgusting. You know exactly what I’m talking about. You’ve seen it happen. David Letterman himself cannot disagree with the fact that robots are coming to kill us. Hand me a metal detector any day of the week or month and I’ll find you seven of thine acquaintances and prove they are of cybernetic origin. John Kerry once administered CPR to a hampster. And then he realized that “hamster” does not contain the letter “p.” It is a common error. All of those eager young mines wishing to see the hamster dance on the World Wide Web find themselves racking their brains and raking their yards because they can’t listen to the catchy tune and watch the hamsters bop, bob, and bebop around their computer monitors. What I tell you is true. The Beanie Babies lied. They are not filled with beans. They are filled with small plastic balls. They are not ingestible. Trust me. I know. And another thing, never put Vaseline in your hair. It is a tragic mistake made by small children during the Hallow’s Eve festivities. They use it to be vampires, James Deans, and Conan O’Brian. But when they are through with collecting their poison and razor-blade infested candies, they are forever stuck as Transylvanians, dead heartthrobs, or crazy Irish late night talk show hosts. |
