YIKES
02/19/04: I hate my job.  I hate my job, I hate my job, I hate my job.  Tomorrow I am submitting my two weeks' notice.  I am scared and nervous and so relieved to be almost finished with this job.  This is big, people. I have no plan, no job lined up, and I can only definitely survive one month with no income.  However, this job is far too much energy and stress and time for being something that frankly, I don't care about.  My heart isn't in it, I've been doing this just for money, essentially.  I'm done with that, so from now on I will work in a field that I feel I am doing something worthwhile.  I'm working on three applications in those fields right now, that I want to submit as soon as possible.  Even so, my life is a blank for potentially the next eight months, at least.  That will certainly be an adventure.  Today I almost doubted myself, but I sternly reminded myself that just yesterday I was sobbing in the car, thinking about heading back to the office.  The next two weeks will be insanely busy, more than busy, because it will be the end of the month, and then after that we have to deal with the carnage from the end of the month.  The only way I'm going to get through that is thinking about never having to work there again.  I'm a little sad to think of it, because I've really enjoyed my colleagues and even some of the business partners.  But I HATE MY JOB. 
      In other news, I am feeling nicely toned and lean this week.  Figures, because I may have to cancel my gym membership if I have no job. 
HOME/ABOUT/FIRE 4 SITE
PICTURES HERE!
JOURNALS: ONE-FIVE/SIX-TEN/ELEVEN-FIFTEEN/SIXTEEN-TWENTY
TWENTY-ONE/TWENTY-TWO/TWENTY-THREE/TWENTY-FOUR/TWENTY-FIVE
THE ROAD TRIP/2001 EUROPE TRAVELOGUE 1-7
02/21/04: So I did it, I put in my two weeks yesterday.  I was jittery all day long.  It's unreal to think about the reality of this.  I just keep reminding myself to grit my teeth and DO IT, ALREADY.  People around me are being wonderfully supportive, which really helps when I need affirmations.
      This morning I went to an acupuncturist.  It was an interesting experience.  The needles weren't too bad, at worst it was a pinch when one went in.  But once in, I didn't feel them.  However, after they were in, I was instructed to take a nap for 40 minutes to let them work or whatever.  I was wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants rolled up to the knees, and after about ten minutes I started feeling really cold.  I felt helpless and hopeless and I started to cry.  It was sort of silly, but I really hate being cold, and I had to just lie there, I couldn't move or do anything to get warmer.  Then the crying got worse, because I've been so stressed out for the past month straight, with headaches everyday and my neck/back/shoulders has been a solid wall of pain this week.  I'm quite possibly premenstrual, but sometimes things just pile up in my head until a small thing makes everything tumble on down.  The acupuncturist finally came in to check on me, and I said all tearfully, I'm cold, I'm really cold.  She was great, she turned the heater on my feet and put a towel on my torso and warmed my hands with hers.  I cried a bit more after that but then I finally started to relax.
      My neck/shoulders did feel better after the treatment. The tension was gone and my head felt lighter, or something.  Unfortunately, it still feels knotty and full of kinks.  I need a friend who is willing to rub my back.
      I was so tired the past two days.  I didn't sleep as long as I wanted to last night, and just awhile ago I lay down on the floor with a blanket and a pillow and dozed off.  It felt pretty nice but I made myself get up so now I'm still groggy. 
      Weekends hold so much promise for me: time to sleep in, to relax, to do nothing, to do whatever I want, to 'catch up' with whatever I imagine I should be doing with my time.  But most of the weekend I spend alone in my apartment, watching tv or reading things on the net, generally wasting my time and feeling lonesome and introspective and melancholy.  I went through a period quite recently wherein I convinced myself that people liked me and enjoyed being around me (this isn't meant to sound conceited, it just means that whenever I was in a social situation, my inner monologue wasn't constantly telling me how boring/annoying/dumb/whatever I am, and how much all the other people couldn't wait to get away from me).  However, this week apparently marks the end of that.  Last weekend I joined a road trip to Vancouver at only two days' notice, and I had a great time.  Road trips are great adventures and even though the weather was crap, it was fun to explore a new city.  However, as I drove home, I couldn't help thinking that the other six people were breathing a sigh of relief at me finally being gone.  Last night I was at a friend's place, with a big group of people I didn't know. That wasn't so much the problem as the noise--at any given time there were at least eight people talking at once.  The space wasn't nearly big enough to accomodate that, and I felt completely overwhelmed, aurally and emotionally.  I just could not deal with the noise; it was so loud it made me feel I was actually becoming deaf. 
      So the moral of the story is this?: I am tired and lonely.  I can pretend at being all sophisticated and profound, but I'm just tired and lonely.  Beyond trite. 
Hey, all you "people" "out there"--when you finish this page, go visit this one to see current ponderings and such.