Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures. . . . . . . . . . Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got first pick. . . . . . . . . . It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. . . . . . . . . . A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer." . . . . . . . . . A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone.". . . . . . . . .Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing. A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?"The man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it yet.". . . . . . . . . . The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?", he asked. . . . . . . . . .A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so. So, the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

Broad River

Day Trips, Page One.

A long, long time ago, before the present dreadful drought, when bountiful winter rains swelled our rivers to a delightful degree of fullness, a bunch of us Legal Aid lawyers, investigators, staff, law students, friends and families would get together for a May trip on the Broad River. These are some pictures from those days when we were all younger than we are now.

It's a good day to be on a river.

My first time ever in a canoe was on the Broad River in September of 1993. It was a research project. When I moved to near Lake Oconee in the late 80's, I bought a bass boat. But, having grown up on the Flint River in South Georgia, I was drawn more toward the moving water of rivers than the still water of lakes, and just didn't enjoy the lake as much as I thought I would. So, I was looking for some other kind of boat that would get me on the shallow rivers around here.

So, who needs knee pads?

J.D. had attended the YMCA's summer camps in '92 and '93, and had received a little instruction in canoeing. I had heard about the Broad River Outpost, so I thought we might give a canoe a shot. I went to my local library and checked out the "Introduction to Canoeing" video and watched it a few times. It showed how to keep your boat going straight, how to turn, and a little about reading the river and running rapids.

Anybody seen my paddle?

So we go to the Broad River on a very hot day during a dry September. The water way way low. The summer prior to this I had gotten new glasses. It had taken two months, they were special order and very expensive. (You know where this is going, right?) When we were getting the boat, the girl at the Broad River Outpost had offered me string to tie my glasses on, but, since I had the cables that wrapped behind my ears, I declined her offer. I also had a very nice watch. Why in the world I didn't leave that at home I can't figure. I also had a jug full of water.

Soon after getting on the water, because it was so hot, we came out of our life vests (PFDs). When we came to the first rapid, we stopped and, just like the video said do, "scouted" the rapid. Right, like we knew what we were looking for.

We picked a route and got in the boat. Hit the rapid and turned over. Leaned upstream, we did, away from that big ole rock. I recall looking up and seeing J.D.'s butt in the water over my head. I wasn't worried. We're both good swimmers. When we collected ourselves, the canoe was full of water. My glasses were gone. My watch was gone. One of J.D.'s shoes was gone. The boat was full of water. J.D. was terrified. His birthday is September 10, so he was either nine or had just turned ten. What had his crazy daddy gotten him into?

Piece of cake.

I didn't know then how to get the water out of the boat, so when I finally got the thing dumped, I poured out our drinking water to use the jug as a scoop. We got back in the boat, went ten feet to the second half of the rapid and turned over again. We went through the process of righting the boat again and proceeded on down the dry river. Not fun.

We get to the second rapid. J.D. has the burden of picking a route because I can only half see. We go right over the rock ledge. The boat gets stuck -- the front half, containing J.D., suspended in midair. J.D.'s freaking. I explained if he freaks we'll crash and burn. Being new to this and having heard how dangerous rapids are, it was a little scary. But we got out of that. Now when we hit the Broad, we purposefully stop just to swim in that rapid, especially in high water.

Finally, at the end of the day, it was me wading in the water dragging that dern boat through a rock garden. Hot weather. Not fun. That was our first trip in a canoe. Read the Oconee River pages for our near disastrous second time in a canoe. The story of our disatrous third trip follows on the the Broad River, Page Two.

Continue down the river. . . .

[ Gear List ][ Links ][ Paddling Pages ][ Quotes ][ [ Okefenokee Swamp & Suwannee River ][ Current River ][ St. Mary�s River ] [ Base Camp ][ Oconee River ][ Ogeechee River ] [ Shenandoah River ]