How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID)(*(*^*&% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... . . . . . . . . . Oil Change instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee. 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: $20.00 for oil change, $1.00 for coffee Total = $21.00 Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Go to O' Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree. 2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process. 12) Clean up mess. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Look for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off. 16) Beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. 18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug. 27) Drink beer. 28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug. 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. 30) Drink beer. 31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw wrench. 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob. 35) Beer. 36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 37) Beer. 38) Beer. 39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 40) Beer. 41) Lower car from jack stands. 42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. 43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. 44) Beer. 45) Test drive car. 46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 47) Car gets impounded. 48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard. Money spent: $50.00 parts, $25.00 beer, $75.00 replacement set of jack stands: hey the colors have to match!!!! $1,000.00 Bail, $200.00 Impound and towing fee Total = $ 1,350.00 . . . . . . . . . As most parents know, kids sure like to show off their boo-boos. My 4-year-old daughter, Emily, had a torn cuticle on the middle finger of her right hand, which we had earlier put a Band-Aid on. The Band-Aid had fallen off, and of course this concerned her. We went to a local marina to meet my friend Dan for a day of sailing. We walked down to the restaurant area where Dan was with about five or six friends, all standing around talking. Emily listened patiently for a few minutes, then decided she needed to share her boo-boo. "Dan! DAN!!!" she yelled. Conversation stopped, and everyone turned to her. And she showed off her boo-boo -- by extending her finder and flying the biggest, highest "bird" I think anyone could recall seeing. Needless to say, after a brief moment of quiet disbelief, the house came down -- gasps, laughs, comments like, "Oh me, we learned something new today, didn't we, sweetie?" I had to do some real quick explaining about her boo-boo (somehow she'd never gotten around to mentioning following her gesture). As for Dan? He said that he'd been having that kind of day anyway, and having a 4-year-old flip him off just fit right in.

Ogeechee River.

January, 2000, during the Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday, Jeff, J.D. and I paddled the Ogeechee. We covered about 50 miles of the river, basically from Statesboro to Savannah, over three days and two nights.

J.D. and I drove down to Statesboro Friday night, the 14th, and spent the night with Judith and Jeff. We arose before the sun the next morning to put on the river. After a hearty breakfast pour les voyageurs, we all piled into my truck and headed to the putin. It was a crisp, glorious day. The plan was for Judith to drive my truck back to their house. I'd take my cell phone and we'd call her before we got to the takeout so she could come pick us up.

Simply a gorgeous day to be on the river! The sun climbed higher; The mist burned off. Although the book said the current in this river was a little sluggish, we found it to move on at quite a good clip. Indeed, we had a fine time making good time. I had hoped we'd see some alligators. But, alas, we didn't. The Ogeechee is a beautiful blackwater river. The Spanish Moss flows off the trees gently waving at the passersby in the languid breezes.

The willows that grow prolifically along the river are deciduous. Their brown, spent leaves made a crispy crust on the ground. Just right for a mattress for a lunch time nap. Lunch, food. My idea is to keep it simple. Breakfast is easy: There are a number of different tasty varieties of instant oatmeal available. Instant grits sprinkled with bacon bits is also good. However, meals can become more elaborate affairs.

For lunch, I enjoy the easy things as well. Barbeque Vienna Sausages with Ritz Crackers -- makes my mouth water just thinking about it. Or, sardines, any of the varieties: Louisianna hot sauce, mustard sauce, or canola oil. Again, served with Ritz crackers. Shut my mouth. For desssert, I don't know what could be better than Little Debbie Peanut Butter Bars, which also serve well for snacks.

A steaming hot cup of coffee on a morning like this is living life. Dinnertime is the time for a good hot meal. About the easiest is Tuna Helper. Just pre-mix some Butter Buds and Dry milk, along with the spices, a can of tuna and you're set. Another very easy meal is Rice-A-Roni with a can of chicken, or Lipton Noodle with a can of chicken. Zatarain's gumbo with a can of shrimp or clams will also hit the spot.

Here's something a little more involved, but very good. I have a can of bulk potatoe soup mix which I portion into ziplock bags. Mix that, a can of whole-kernel corn, a can of Salmon, and you have a good fish chowder. Minced onion, or, even better, dehydrated onion, will make it even better. Substitute a can or two of clams for the salmon and, voila, clam chowder.

In December I'd borrowed a dehydrator, and, for about a month preceding this trip had been dehydrating some of the food we planned to take with us. I dehydrated some ground beef and some wonderful ham/vegetable stew. Potatoe soup mix, ground beef, whole kernel corn, mixed vegetables makes shepherd's pie. I put the dry ingredients into a Tupperware bowl with some water in the morning and let it all rehydrate during the day. Instead of taking cans of corn, just dehydrate the corn before the trip. Those are some ideas for basic recipes.

Campsites were not abundant on this trip. On the section above Interstate 16, there were some adequate places to pitch a tent. The story was totally different on the section below Interstate 16, however. Much of the land surrounding the river is hardly more than swamp. The land is barely above the water line. And, the trees are so thick on that land that there is no space to pitch a tent. Or, if there is space, then cypress knees prohibit camping.

At those two places where there is higher ground, people have placed all manner of shelters -- anything from a pickup truck camper shell on poles, to elaborate homes. Land suitable for these habitations is scarce, so, on those spots, you'll find the structures placed about as close together as the people can get them. Late on day 2, we passed these houses. High land got pretty scarce after this.


As we paddled on and the daylight began to fade, we became increasingly concerned that we hadn't found any place to camp -- suitable or not. We did see one place that had a little promise. However, once we got out of the boats and inspected it, it turned out to be too low and wet and had too many cypress knees. It was back into the boats to continue the search. It grew darker and darker. We paddled closer and closer to the land, searching the bank for any sign of a suitable camp site. Just when we were about to seriously consider the unattractive prospect of spending the night in the canoes, I was sure that I saw a stack of the sawed ends of three inch saplings stacked neatly on the bank. We backed up to look again. Sure enough, it was a little stack of firewood on the bank a couple feet above the water.

I put J.D. out to investigate. The site looked promising. Jeff paddled by and continued on. I got out of the boat. It turned out that this was a narrow peninsula. It looked to be about just big enough for two tents. Jeff paddled up the back side, having rounded the end of the peninsula. When we got home from the trip, I found the site on Terra Server. (Navigating tip: If you RIGHT CLICK on this link, then click on "Open Link in New Window," then you won't lose the images of the Ogeechee River trip.)


When the tide went out, we were about four feet above the water. Indeed, the water was completely drained from the inlet behind the campsite. It turned out to be a very nice little camp site. By the time we were to leave the next morning, the tide was back up to full and we had easy access to the canoes. We loaded them up and we were off.

We were shortly under the Interstae 95 bridge, where the river widens, and the marsh grass becomes more abundant. We called Judith on the cell phone. That was a first for me. Phone call in the wilderness. Typically my attitude is that when I am on one of these trips, I don't want any contact with the world. Nobody can reach me and I absolutely can't do anything about any problems that crop up. If the world comes to an end, I'll just have to find out about it when I get home. But, calling Judith wasn't so bad and, on my Oconee River trip, having the cell phone turned out to be of great convenience. Yet, I remain ambivalent about cell phones on wilderness trips. This was a wonderful, wonderful trip. The swampy areas surrounding the Ogeechee turned out to be beautiful and mysterious. There was a good fast current and we made good time.

P.S.: A couple of days into my Oconee River trip (see the trip report on these pages, link below), I had to wait at the Highway 280 bridge for my partners to arrive and join me. While I was waiting a fellow drove up in a late model Ford pickup and parked near the river. As he got out of the truck I saw that he was wearing a business suit. I watched as he went to the toolbox on the back of his truck and pulled out a reel and rod. Clearly here was a man with no ordinary passion for fishing. We struck up a conversation and I learned that he was from Statesboro in town on a little business, and, while he had a few minutes to kill until his appointment, thought he'd come down here and test the waters. After learning he was from Statesboro, I told him about my Ogeechee River trip. After he explained to me the quality of the fishing on the Ogeechee, I got the idea that his passion for fishing is only surpassed by his love of the Ogeechee. I can certainly understand how a person can develop such a fondness for the Ogeechee.
The Ogeechee River Valley Association, Inc. was founded in 1986 and Incorporated in 1989 to protect, preserve and restore the Ogeechee River and her tributaries. They are a non-profit membership organization, dedicated to the principle that protecting Georgia's precious natural resources is the job of every citizen. Their common purpose is to protect the Ogeechee and other area waterways from illegal discharges, toxic discharges and habitat degradation. This is a wonderful organization doing great work in protecting this beautiful river.Click on their logo above to visit their site, see more pictures, learn what they're doing to protect the Ogeechee and its tributaries, and to learn how you, too, can become involved to protect this wonderful Georgia river.
Explore another river. . . .



Remember to sign the Register...


[ Current River ] [ Gear List ] [ Paddling Pages ] [ Quotes ]
[ Okefenokee Swamp & Suwannee River ] [ Broad River ] [ St. Mary�s River ]
[ Base Camp ] [ Links ] [ Oconee River ] [ Shenandoah River ] [ Tugaloo Lake ]