KFC Fanfic: Friday: Joker's Session by Bottou-chan Her Page

Author's Note: The complete version of Anime Physics (and most recently updated, which I didn't have at the time of writing) can be found here.

"Natsumi-chan! Hurry up!" said Lynn-chan impatiently. "Joker's scheduled to start his speech in the next five minutes... and you know that the elevator takes forever to get to our floor."

"I was ready ten minutes ago, but Mikagami is such a slow eater," complained Natsumi, glaring at him.

"I don't shovel my food like some people do," replied Mikagami primly, carefully picking up a pea with his chopsticks. He popped it into his mouth and chewed carefully, to prove his point.

"Zap him into the bishonen ball, food and all," suggested Mayumi. She had promised to wait behind with them while the others hurried on ahead.

"That might be kind of messy--" began Mikagami hesitantly, but Natsumi had already produced the round, red Bishonen Ball.

"Mikagami, Return!" she shouted, and with a bewildered cry, he was pulled forcibly into the ball, chopsticks, dinner, and all.

"Let's run," said Lynn-chan, and they raced for the elevators, barely making it there as the doors were closing.

"Hold the elevator for us!" yelled Mayumi, and Ailin gave the doors a good *bang!* with the pole of her scythe as they were about to shut. The doors leaped back, allowing the three girls to climb on.

"Errr... thanks," said Natsumi, eyeing the sharp scythe nervously. She whispered to Lynn-chan, "Why can she have a scythe and I can't have my cattle prod?"

"Cattle prod, na no da?" demanded an alarmed voice. The girls turned around in surprise to see a blue-haired monk by name of Chichiri standing at the back of the elevator.

"No! None here! Just scythes," Ailin hastily reassured him. "Sayyy... can I have your autograph?"

Chichiri complied with the request, but gratefully escaped onto the 20th floor.

"Luck-yyyy," said Nekomi, crunching on a pocky stick.

Koichi glanced at the pocky. "Did you not get enough lunch?" she asked, brushing back her green hair.

"Pocky is one of the major food groups," Nekomi answered. "Want a stick?"

"Sure."

"It's nice to be here, minna," Joker began, when all was ready. "I'd just like to say that any fanart, fanfics, or doujinshi any of you would care to create revolving around me would be happily endorsed by myself, although I can't say the same for Studio Pierrot or Nobuyuki Anzai."

There was a snicker from the rear of the room, and Joker peered towards the back irately. Raiha stood, leaning against the back wall, his arms folded, quietly observing. Amazing, not one of his fangirls had noticed his presence. He had used his ninja stealth to sneak in.

"Comment from the back?" inquired Joker dryly.

"No, no comments," answered Raiha, and pursed his lips, still grinning at his friend.

"Ahem. ANY-ways," Joker continued loudly, "The topic of my session is: Anime Laws of Physics. First off, a disclaimer. These have been researched by Ryan Shellito and Darrin Bright et al, a very eminent group of anime physicists who have been devoting much study to this subject for years. Kudos to them.

"Now, why am I presenting this topic? You might wonder. Well, it's because I have a certain amount of expertise in this field. My weapon in which I am quite proficient is the Taishaku Kaiten. This manipulates matter and mass, allowing me to make a heavy object as light as a feather, and vice versa. Matter and mass are dealt with in physics, therefore, I am qualified."

"Is this Anime Physics of Anime Logic?" whispered Raiha quietly to Shuusai, who was sitting at a table in the back of the room, recording. She stifled a giggle.

"ANY-ways," Joker continued, even more loudly. "There are certain rules which apply in the anime world, or the manga world, which are different from those in the real world. Which brings us to Law #1: The Law of Metaphysical Irregularity. This is, to put it succinctly, the rules of physics do not apply.

"Law #2 is the Law of Differentiated Gravitation, another reality which perhaps many of you have noticed, yet not fully realized that your observations were related to anime physics. Here, Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4. A prime example of this is when Recca-han summons three dragons at the beginning of his fight with Kurei-han, in the UBS III finals." He dimmed the lights and pushed "PLAY". A familiar scene from Ep. 41 popped onto the screen. "You notice him leaping into the air, and hovering there, without use of strings or benefit of jet-packs, as he wrote his kanji. Gravity is not an all-encompassing force; gravity is very personal. Its force may be lessened or greatened, depending on the action of the individual. Incidentally, it is this Law which causes another oft-remarked-upon observation in anime, where most of the female population doesn't seem to be affected by gravity, and tend to, for lack of a better term, bounce." He grinned and pointed with his laser pen as the clip transisted from Recca's-and-Kurei's fight to the ending credits of 'Lamuness & Knights 40 Fresh.'

"Isn't that a copyright violation?" whispered BabySilve to Ashley, who was seated next to her.

Ashley wasn't paying attention. Her eyes were goggling. "I didn't know... that just somehow doesn't look safe..."

The clip mercifully faded to a clip of Koganei's fight with Shiju, Genjuro's genetically-altered teammate.

"Skipping over Laws #3 & 4, which do not apply, we go to Law #6, the Law of Temporal Variability. You must realize that in our world, time is not a constant. Rather, it slows down or even stops when a main character is doing something cool or impressive. During fights, time speeds up again, unless something cool or impressive is happening." The image of Kurei and Recca battling it out once more showed up on the screen, with carefully selected clips. Incidentally, when someone dies, it's often a drawn-out process." Cue the clips of Kurenai's untimely demise and of Mokuren slowly being knocked into oblivion by the Ensui master.

"Skipping over the unhappy Laws relating to death, we find ourselves dealing with Law #9, the Law of Dramatic Emphasis. Scenes involving amazing amounts of action are depicted either still-frame or by bright slashes of color, often red or white, across a black screen." More clips fluttered across the screen. Rather, bright slashes of color flashed across the screen, interspersed with a few still camera shots. "This is done for your benefit, of course," Joker explained. "See, the still frames are to make sure you see exactly what happens. The bright color slashes are done for the same reason, except that for many, our movements are too quick for the ordinary eye to follow, and you would fry your brains if you attempted to watch.

"#11- Law of Inherent Combustability which, I'm sure, everyone is familiar with." He looked around the darkened room to see if Katie Bubenik was present. No luck. "Basically, anything can explode." A rapid succession of examples flashed across the screen. "It's first corollary explains that anything that explodes, bulges first." The same examples rushed across the screen, proving the point. "Also, the second corollary states that large cities are especially susceptible to this rule. Enormous domed buildings can also fall under this corollary." A nice, still shot of the UBS site fluttered onto the screen and stayed there for a few moments, before a picture of Neon with her flute replaced it.

"Jumping to #14, we have the Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude to address," Joker said. "Here, we have Neon-han with her Fukyo Waon. A small, tiny flute which has the power to destroy the entire dome and everyone in it." Cue a nice shot of a blue-tinted Neon playing her 'Requiem' to the crowd's disapproval. "Whereas, here we have Magensha-han with his Houmashin. This large, unwieldly object has the power to send people to the Evil Dimension, yet Domon-han was able to not only block this attack with his bare hands, but also send it reeling back at Magensha-han."

The audience watched as Domon performed this amazing feat of strength.

"GOOOOO Domon-sama!" yelled Natsumi-chan and Lynn-chan from their chairs.

"Law #15, Law of Inexhaustability, states that no one ever runs out of ammunition," Joker continued, casting a stern glance in their direction. Between the darkness of the room, and the fact that his eyes were hidden by the bill of his baseball cap, this effect was lost on everyone. "This is applicable not only to firearms, but also to magical powers. Notice that Recca-han and Kurei-han both run out of steam about the same time." On the screen, Kurei attempted to flame Recca with his Holy Flame, yet it refused to do more than just sizzle impotently. He and Recca fell to beating each other up, the old-fashioned way. The astute members of the KFC noticed a great deal of footage missing as it suddenly jumped to a picture of the two half-brothers falling to the ground, barely hanging on to consciousness, after they had simultaneously struck each other in the face.

"Jumping onwards to #22, we are confronted with the Law of Inconsequential Undetectability. Notice Kai-han is missing one arm. Yet he still manages to defeat Mikagami." A still frame from a manga page jumped onto the screen. "This is because in anime, you don't need to notice things like body parts gone missing. Rather, you only get hurt if it suits the authors." Joker clicked once more with the remote control, and a giant, smiling, fanged image of Koganei leapt to full blazing color on the screen.

"#23, the Law of Juvenile Intellectuality. This states that children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying. 'Nuff said."

A low hiss came from the direction of several members.

"I didn't say he annoyed me, I liked the little squirt," Joker hastily reassured them. "But you have to admit, he certainly got on Recca's neves several times. Now. Onwards. Jumping with large strides, we find ourselves contemplating #32, the Law of Follicular Chroma Variability. In other words, any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. Also, this color can change without warning or explanation." The blue-haired Aki and Menou popped vibrantly onto the screen. Purple-haired Raiha was shown with his mouth wide open, trying desperately to capture several stray strands of spaghetti which had refused to follow their brothers into his mouth.

Raiha gave an indignant sound of protest. Several rows of fangirls sighed dreamily.The image changed to Fuuko, beaming and giving the V-sign, in all her purple-haired glory. There was a slight murmurs of protest; Raiha didn't get nearly enough screentime just then. However, a certain Miko cried, "Yeah, Fuuko!"The shot changed to show blue-haired referees Midori and Ushino standing together, cheerfully posing for Joker's camcorder. Midori's wings were bumping into Ushino.

A certain Miko murmured in disappointment. Fuuko didn't get nearly enough screentime just then.

Koichi crunched on another stick of pocky from Nekomi's supply and fingered her green hair.

"And although there are a vast number of other laws we've skipped over, for brevity's sake, they will be reserved for a later discussion. We shall end on Law #34, the Law of Probable Attire. The long and short of this is, female characters wear as little clothing as possible." Full-view shots of each of the referees flashed by in quick succession, ending with a group shot. "If a female character is wearing too much, it will be ripped off or torn to shreds or otherwise discarded in one way or another at some point in time." Another click of the remote control, and the audience watched as Kurei engulfed Yanagi in a giant blast of Flame, burning away her clothes. This scene faded and gave way to a scene with Fuuko's fight with Fujimaru. Again, the fight was not shown in full; rather, strategically chosen clips had been implemented.

"Now, we can watch the highlights of the UBS," said Joker. "Watch and see how many Laws come into effect!"

He settled down into a chair, and they watched in fascination as Daikoku came onto the screen, fighting with Mikagami.

"Yeah, Mikagami!" cheered Natsumi-chan softly, clutching her Bishonen Ball tightly.

"Three questions. First of all, who are you and what are you doing here?" She looked up expectantly.Joker sweatdropped.

"Don't be rude," came a voice from the seat behind her. Natsumi found her head being whapped with a squash racquet. It didn't take a degree in physics to determine it was the Evil Squash Racquet being wielded by Saturn.

"I'm Joker, one of Kurei's elite," he said, scowling. "My weapon is the Taishaku Kaiten, which manipulates matter, and I'm the coolest member of Kurei-han's Uruha."

"Perhaps, Joker-san, you should sit in on my next session," suggested Raiha from the back of the room. "It's called, 'How to be a Mysterious, Bishonen Supporting Cast Member and Still Get Noticed'. See, I understand you're problem. You're emphasizing the 'mysterious' and forgetting about the 'being noticed' part."

Joker laughed easily. "Two words. Yaoi fic."

Raiha quietly disappeared from view.

A strange expression crossed Julia's face and she began looking around the room.

"Nice to meet you," Natsumi smiled. "Next question: would you wish to fight Koganei again?"

"Sure. I don't have anything against the little guy," agreed Joker amicably. "It's only by continuing fighting do you keep in practice. Otherwise, your talents go to waste and you don't improve yourself. Koganei has a lot of potential. He didn't do much while in the Uruha, mainly due to age, but if he had stuck with it, he'd have made the elite long ago."

"...long...ago..." murmured Natsumi, scribbling in the notebook. "Finally, what kind of girl do you like?"

Joker leaned casually against the podium at the front of the room, pondering the issue. "Smart... a good listener... sensitive... honest... open... can defy gravity..." He smirked cheerfully.

"What do you plan to do now, since your life has calmed down a bit?" inquired Kid-O.

Joker shrugged. "At the moment, I'm very content being involved with Kurei-tachi. I don't see myself leaving this position very soon. Anything mundane would be such an... anticlimax. I wouldn't be happy."

"Could I write a three-way-yaoi fic concerning you, Kurei, and Raiha?" piped up Lynn-chan.

"You probably could," answered Joker, "But that doesn't mean I'd go off and hurt Saicho when Kurei tells me to kill you." He glanced at his watch. "On that note, it looks like we're a bit over time. How about we all break for refreshments, walk around and stretch, and forget about going to Raiha's session?"

"No way!" shouted Shuusai, April, and Ashley.

Joker laughed. "Only kidding," he said. "Class dismissed." He sauntered out of the room, leaving the members of the KFC behind.

Natsumi-chan waited for him to leave. "Hey, you guys!" she said excitedly, waving a sheaf of photos in the air. "Look at what I got... with the Mini Bishonen Camera I invented, I managed to snap a lot of pics of Raiha in his swimsuit last night! They're just $5 each, but supplies are limited!"

Natsumi-chan was promptly mobbed for the coveted photos.

Five minutes later, the room had mostly cleared out, and Natsumi-chan sat in a chair, happily counting and murmuring, "Okane!"

Meanwhile, Julia was standing by herself in a corner, deep in thought. Ailin, casually swinging her scythe, walked up to her.

"Are you okay, Julia?" Ailin asked in some concern.

"Sure, I'm okay," Julia reassured the other girl. "But something kind of struck me as being weird."

"Oh?" Kid-O joined the little group in the corner.

"Did any of you guys notice Bottou-chan around Joker today?"

Kid-O and Ailin tried to think hard. "Noooo..."

"Have you guys ever seen Bottou-chan and Joker in the same room?"

Ailin tried to think. "She might've been in the hot tub with all of them.... I think..."

Kid-O nodded emphatically. "She was. She was talking to Joker. They waved at me."

"Oh. Okay." Julia nodded in relief. "I feel much better now... still, I wonder why she didn't show up."

"Perhaps she's off somewhere doing her e-mail," suggested Ailin as they walked out the door. "You know some people can be... maybe, this very minute, as we speak, she's off hunched over some keyboard writing a fanfic."

"Well, if she is, she just missed a good session," remarked Nekomi, through a mouthful of chocolate pocky, as she joined them.

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