56 game-hitting streak.

2,632.consecutive games.

755 career homeruns

5 strikeouts, career.

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been chasing the elusive five strikeout mark --- okay, so maybe for the last 5 weeks.  But it feels like a lifetime that I’ve wanted to be the King of the Swing (And Miss). 

I can’t begin to describe the feeling --- digging into the batter’s box, watching the pitch lazily drift in at 30 miles-per-hour, feeling my muscles tense as the bat leaves my shoulder, gleaming and ready to air-mail that oversized sphere to the Heavens. Then feeling the stick come around, striking nothing, hearing the ball fall to Earth and making that beautiful sound.  It can really only be described with one word.

Thud.

Everybody today wants to be Hank Aaron.

Me?  I’m going after Erin Bryant’s legacy.  And I’m on my way.

At least, I was on my way…. Then, August 15^th, E-B-P-O decides to throw a wrench in my engine and K’s for the SIXTH time.  Swinging!  Who does he think he is?  Reggie Jackson?  Reggie Sanders?  If there’s any Reggie on this team, it’s me!  Reggie Kelman!

Try as I might to miss, my bat always seems to find the ball   Well, it finds it once every 5.9 at bats.  But I do own the most prolific strikeout ratio in history.  Take Jon Magnuson for example --- he absolutely SUCKS AT MISSING THE BALL.  The numbers speak for themselves:  368 at-bats and not a single punchout!  Ha ha ha!

I am One with the Whiff.

You may think it’s shameful to strikeout --- tell that to Paul Bjorlie of Scottsdale, AZ, a self-described “fan of the fan” who wrote me the following poem.

ODE TO THE K, AS IN KELMAN
Somewhere in El Dorado Park the balls are flying to the West;
Hits are raining somewhere, and somewhere even girls pass the test,
And somewhere numbers matter, and “I’m Livid!” Mags will shout;
But there is no joy in Machineville --- whitey Kelman has struck out.

One day that record will be mine, Paul.

That is, if someone takes me off the bench.

The Master

The doll has provoked continued comparisons between Yamamoto and Seattle Mariners outfielder Ichiro Suzuki.  Both are considered slap-hitters.  The two play the same position.  And both are Japanese sex symbols.

The soft-spoken Yamamoto, who has been hounded by foreign media all season, refused to comment on the doll, saying, "Ichiro can breathe the same air as me when HE'S HITTING .435."

Stan-Doll Giveaway Day is scheduled for August 29th at El Dorado Park.  Toys will be given to the first 25 fans.

"We're proud to honor such a veteran ballplayer," said Team Captain Jon Magnuson, whose own bobblehead day was a bust of infinitesimal magnitude (see story below).

"Hopefully we'll get some of those fans from the Far East out to the field.... especially the women.  Niiiiiiice!"

Doll Design By:
Ian Kelman

PHOENIX - It could be blamed on the humid weather, the mismatched teams or competition from a Diamondbacks home game.

Still, most signs pointed to the creepy countenance on the “Mags Bobblehead” doll that provoked an all-time low for attendance in last Wednesday’s Mean Machine contest.

The 5-inch doll, based on the likeness of left-center fielder Jon Magnuson, was expected to bring anywhere from ten to fifteen thousand fans to El Dorado Park.

It drew zero.

“I’m livid!” said Magnuson.

“It defies common sense,” said Malcolm Alexander, CEO of the Bellevue-based Alexander Global Promotions, which produced the dolls.

”We’ve had successful runs with the OJ Simpson, Elian Gonzalez, even the Timothy McVeigh bobble… apparently, nobody wants Mags on their coffee table.”

Magnuson responded, “Livid!”

Wife Nicole Magnuson released a statement refusing to store the unclaimed giveaways, citing an “overdose of the real Jon Magnuson”. The dolls were then moved to Magnuson’s workplace, Bank One Ballpark.

Most of the 14,999 remaining dolls are being stored in catcher Mike DiFelice’s locker.  The other doll is being chewed on by Magnuson's son Keaton.

The Mean Machine has indefinitely suspended plans for “Huge Shot Glass Night” and the “Grant Conway Swimsuit Calendar.”

Described by wife Nicole Magnuson as "requiring less maintenance" than the real Jon Magnuson, the doll was designed by brothers Ian and Josh Kelman.

The 5-inch doll will be handed out to the first 15,000 fans prior to the Mean Machine's August 15th contest at El Dorado Park.

"We think this is an exciting step for the franchise," said long-time Machine Jim Currigan.  "We also like that it has an enormous head, just like Jon."

Josh Kelman is an intern for Diamondbacks Productions.

SCOTTSDALE - When you're 6 feet tall, 145 lbs. and your boss/coach says you have "little bitch hands", then your expectations on the softball field fall somewhere between "nada" and "squat."

On Wednesday, Machine rookie Josh Kelman lowered that bar.

In his Men's B debut, the lanky 23-year-old was hitless in four at-bats and was a non-factor at catcher. Kelman also grounded into the Mean Machine's first double-play of the season with an effort Machine Coach Jon Magnuson simply referred to as "not surprising."

"I know my team expects more output than two base-on-balls.  I was god-awful.  I feel like such a jackass." noted Kelman.  

"If they want to cut me, I underst--- wait a minute, I've got the team lead in walks??  HELL YEAH!  WOOHOO!"

The double-play will cost the St. Augustine, FL native $1.00 to the team's Kangaroo Court.

"Look, some bodies weren't cut out for this hardball thing.  I guarantee you, though, if we were playing Super Softball on the Nintendo 64, I'd be batting .750 and slugging 1.200.  Guar---an---teed."

Josh Kelman is an intern for Diamondbacks Productions.