Friday 31th May

It was about time I had another look at the beach. Jasmine came with me. I was thinking about how dangerous the long grass was when all of a sudden a long brown snake slithered past me. I said some very naughty words, very loudly. Completely automatic those words were. Snakes are supposed to be hibernating now. I was quite overwhelmed and very shocked. Jasmine didn't even notice. On the beach two young men, they would have to have been Brits, were trying to sunbake. It was cold but then I supposed they are used to places like Clacton-on-sea.

I paddled in the shadows while Jasmine took her ball up to a poor woman who was trying to meditate. I gather that she must have felt some eyes on her for she came to life and threw the ball. Jasmine was delighted. She considers me a bit of a lost cause at times.

I listened to a brilliant radio interview of a very clever Aboriginal leader. I couldn't recall his name but his talk was very entertaining. At one point he said that he couldn't understand our immigration minister's concern over boat people because they have been arriving in Australia for over the last two hundred years. Now they may have to go through criminal checks but in the past some boats were full of those who wouldn't have had a hope of passing a criminal check. Whites are so arrogant aren't they! It wasn't their country in the beginning.

The speaker also talked about humanity and said that whatever aboriginals had lost they hadn't lost their humanity. They looked out for one another and cared. He wasn't too sure whether this still applied to other members of our population. We could learn from aboriginals in this department.

Thursday 30th May

I spent hours and hours writing so most of the morning passed in a blur. I really enjoy this sensation. I completely lose awareness of all around me.

I headed off into the town centre after lunch. My shoes are still causing me hell but I refuse to surrender. I am learning to walk with feet that ache all over! I have always had a high tolerance for pain. Doesn't say a great deal for my intelligence or lack thereof, though.

I am starting to get a measure of the real Australia. It is not the soul-less wasteland that I always thought it was. There are so many creative and artistic people around. Every time I listen to radio national there is one more story of yet another remarkable soul. In third world countries people are hard pushed meeting their basic needs whereas here downunder they can follow their dreams and passions. Perhaps it is the lucky country. Providing you aren't an illegal alien, that is.

I feel that I probably will be able to cope living here. I try to push Indonesia out of my mind and concentrate on the richness of intellectual life in Australia. It is there if I look for it. It is up to me.

Wednesday 29th May

It was grey and wet. It was cold too. Very cold. I suspected that most of the day would be spent indoors. How exciting!

Sam rescued me. Her new custom built surfboard required a deckgrip and legrope so she took me out to the Byron Industrial Estate. Once there, in one of the many streets, we entered a small shed and watched as a piece of rubber was transformed into a moulded shape that could be stuck to a fibreglass surface. It was fascinating. I wish Yana could have seen it.

I imagine that there are probably any number of small businesses like this one in the area. Surfers would have come to Byron and in a desperate attempt to stay would have set up cottage industries. With time these would have become more efficient and mechanized. Some have probably become very successful.

The guys who worked in the deckgrip place were obviously surfers. All they could talk about were the five metre waves that were presently being enjoyed down the central coast. Can one actually enjoy waves that big? I wonder.

Tuesday 28th May

I didn't put even one foot outside my door. Not for the whole day. I was so exhausted. The writing class on Monday night really takes it out of me. I enjoy it immensely but physically it is too much for me. I just have to take it easy the next day.

I am starting to catch up on writing my Indonesian Moritz tales. I started two years ago and still have a long way to go. So many things have changed since I started writing that I suspect the whole thing is going to be neverending.

There are going to be council bi-elections in Byron shortly and the two free newspapers are devoting quite a lot of their space to presenting information on the candidates and their platforms. I have read the pre-selection promises with interest but it was with glee that I have followed the mudslinging, personal comments and slander. Some are fairly brutal. The radiographer had said that council meetings apparently are very entertaining. There are two factions in Byron, the greens who want the area to stay the way it is and then there is the group who want to develop the area. Obviously these two groups would not be easy to reconcile. Very interesting!

People in Byron are very passionate and so the election is a major event. I am pleased to see this. Local politics has never interested me in the slightest. For the first time I can see actually some of the attraction. These people are trying to ensure that the environment in which they are happy develops appropriately. I wonder whether I am finally growing up!

Monday 27th May

I had wonderful intentions of writing for hours and hours but somehow knew from the moment that I tried to open my eyes that I wasn't going to be that energetic. Oh well. I had little alternative but to relax and take it easy. What a hardship!

My beautiful new shoes are causing me considerable hardship. I refuse to give up though. I applied copious layers of bandaid, rolled my socks into two layers and then wet the back leather thoroughly. I headed off on my walk to Byron fully equipped with a pair of rubber thongs just in case the shoes got too much for me.

The writing class is proving to be the highlight of my week. My fellow students are really some of the first new people I have met in Byron other than medical people. They seem to be all of an age and have blundered through life leaving a trail of chaos behind them. Marriages, divorces, moves, and addictions: they have any number of disasters behind them. Interestingly too they have all chosen to live in Byron. One hardly ever encounters a person who was actually born here.

So many people here on the coast talk about being on a journey. You know, the spiritual sort. I tend to raise my eyebrows a little as I am ever the cynic. Nonetheless, I have covered considerable ground myself and am feeling fairly content with my lot. Life in Australia is not the end of the world after all. Intelligent life does exist here. In fact there are any number of creative, artistic and amazing souls to meet.

Sunday 26th May

I spent most of the morning on my lovely new laptop. I still have a few things to get used to but it will come right with time. The writing class has quite inspired me. We had been asked to do some free flow writing for at least twenty minutes a day and I had been doing so quite religiously. We also had a piece of work to edit so I made sure that all my homework was up to date for the following day. It was nice to have some definite things to do. It gave everything a bit of purpose.

I took Jasmine, the dog, down to the beach. It was quite cool and I wish I'd taken something warm for my head. The water was still warmish though and I wallowed in the shallows. I love just standing there with my trousers rolled up and the water up to my knees. Jasmine was a little frustrated because she wanted to play ball but fortunately the wind was quite strong. She was kept quite busy just keeping the ball still.It kept rolling away. A man walking past took sympathy at one stage and threw the ball away for her. She was delighted.

Sam's run of bad luck was continuing. She dropped by to return some computer discs but was barely able to walk. She had done something to a muscle while out surfing earlier on. She was quite distraught, thinking that she may have to miss out on an awful lot of surfing for a while. What could I say? I hoped that it would all be well soon. We went to the Beach Hotel for a while but the band was very ordinary and there wasn't really any reason for staying too long.

The chemotherapy kicked in later and I felt very tired. This wasn't really unexpected. It was bound to happen. I must not let it worry me. Everything will be alright. I must just be patient.

Saturday 25th May

Jane had placed a magnificent flower arrangement in my room to welcome me back. What a lovely gesture. I must find out what the flowers are called. They were so big and beautiful. Sam came around later and then we went shopping. This was very vital because my cupboards were bare. I was all inspired foodwise because I had had a very profitable chat with a nutritionist at the hospital in Brisbane. Things would be different from now on.

Yana rang up with the news I had been waiting to hear. He had the visa! I had been confident but was still a little prepared for a hitch or glitsch. It was all up to him now. When everything was ready, packed and organised he could buy a ticket and fly over. I was staggered. Had it finally happened?

I was feeling so much better. Perhaps it was the good news, perhaps it was the spending spree, who knows, but I felt that the future was looking very good. I didn't feel like sleeping or lying around. I felt active and motivated. I hadn't felt so good for ages.

After ten that evening, when I was reading in bed, I got a frantic call from Sam. She was on a road heading south and her tyre had burst. I didn't know what to do. I don't have a car. I went into the living room and spoke with Stu. I asked if I could borrow Jane's car. As it was raining he didn't think it was such a good idea so we went out in his car. He had just taken some sleeping tablets because he had the flu and was heading for bed. I was very anxious about him. It all worked out well in the end and we were back within the half hour. Sam was fine but a little disappointed. She had been heading off to a monster party. I was just grateful that she was unharmed. I was also very thankful for Stu's help. He had had a big day and didn't need this little excursion at the tail end of it.

Friday 24th May

Eileen left very early in the morning as she was flying back to New Guinea. Mike had already gone the day before. He had made a very sudden and unexpected departure. His emotions were all over the place so it wasn't really a surprise. The two UK boys were flying off to Bangkok later in the day. They had come in very late and were bound to be feeling very seedy. I was also checking out. There really was a bit of a mass exodus.

At breakfast I spoke with a woman who taught at a Montessori school. She was in Brisbane for a seminar and was so enthusiastic about her teaching. Classes were small and the children were very keen. It was nice to know that schools like this do exist in Australia. She talked about a new method of teaching grammar that used concrete aids. It sounded very workable and I was very disappointed that I didn't have a class of my own that I could try the technique out on! I was very inspired and it wasn't even eight in the morning.

The next bus to Byron Bay didn't leave till one so I decided to do some shopping. Shoes were a bit of a priority as the Indonesian men's sandals have almost fallen apart. I found a lovely pair, at a lovely price, but decided that I was worth the expense. The salesman was actually half Indonesian even though he looked more middle-eastern. He was a sweetie and we both practised our Indonesian for a few minutes. It was a real laugh.

A little more time was killed at an internet cafe and then I was on the bus. It was not as full as the north bound bus had been the other day. Makes sense really. As it gets cooler people head north rather south. We had no film or music but I found some old newspapers to read. Nabcy Crick the euthanasia lady was all over the covers. She had finally taken her life. I can understand her sentiments, pain does get unbearable, but I don't know why so much of a fuss had to result. The media blew the whole story skyhigh.

Thursday 23rd May

I haven't been sleeping too badly considering how much trouble I had been having recently. I foolishly had picked an upper bunk and it was not the most accessible of locations. Certainly not with a whole abdomen of fluid. Generally I only woke up once or twice in the night and had to make my way clumsily to the bathroom. I didn't worry about this too much because the Swedish girl always woke me up when she came home late from work and cooked her evening meal. The two guys from the UK liked their beer and were also noisy when they returned from their socialising. One night I hit the jackpot. The UK guys were doing some heavy flirting with the Swedish girl. It went on and on. I can't remember how it ended because I must have fallen asleep.

I had a busy day ahead. Chemo in the morning and a draining in the afternnon. Odd really. They were going to put liquids into me and then they were going to take them out. It had me a little worried. I presumed that the two were not going to cancel each other out.

The nurse who put my drip in was a slow and methodical worker. Not that it worried me, I had plenty of time. What did worry me was that she was the first nurse I had encountered for some time who didn't use plastic gloves. Blood started to leak out of the connection and all over her fingers. She casually cleaned it all up without any emotion. I wondered then if all patients are checked for AIDS even though we are not told about it. I suppose that people like me, who have blood tests regularly, are safer than newcomers in from the street.

I left the hospital with a surprising amount of energy. I actually felt good. This was a complete surprise. I had thought that the walk home might have been too much. It was quite the reverse. Eileen and I talked for quite some time. Apparently Paedophilia, and I will need to check the spelling of this as I don't use this word everyday, is very big in Port Moresby. Authorities just turn a blind eye. Sad, very sad. People come there just for this one reason. I still don't understand the compulsion.

Wednesday 22nd May

I had no difficulty in making my way to the Cancer Support Group. After all, I knew the bus routes in this area like the back of my hand. It was nice to see the familiar faces and they seemed happy to see me. As with groups like this there is always the good and bad news. I was staggered to hear that the member who had been cheerfully heading off to New York last month had been rushed back to Australia before she had been able to start her radical treatment. I was confused. I wasn't sure what went had gone wrong but gathered that she was now at death's door and doctors were gathering family members together to pay final respects. She had been so full of life when I had last seen her. I will even admit to feeling a bit of jealousy. I thought of her coming back cured whereas I didn't have sufficient money or the right medical condition to avail myself of a similar procedure.

I had a few hours to kill before my doctor's appointment and so set about to look at laptops again. I am very good at looking at computers. I can read advertisements, I can see them in cold reality but I seem to be unable to make any decisions. I visited two shops and was doing my usual um and ah routine. I decided to drag myself to a third shop even though I was very tired. This time for some reason I felt that there was a model that I was prepared to buy. The salesman was writing a novel and he talked more about writing than sales pitch. I liked this. Boldness overwhelmed me and I produced the plastic to cover the sale. After months and months of saying that I was going to get a laptop I had finally done it!

The doctor's visit was fairly routine. A new chemotherapy regime had been organised and all we could do was hope that it would start having some effect. And soon too! I am only a shadow of the person I once was. I am limping along on one cylinder when once I would have had at least six.

Back at the backpackers, Mike, the middleaged Australian guy, filled me in on his life dramas. It was funny really. Not his story, for that obviously caused him pain. But he went so quickly from hello, and did you have a good day and then suddenly we were into the details of a rather unpleasant marriage breakdown. Poor fellow he was really in a mess. One hour wasn't enough to help him. I wonder what the young confident things in the dorm think of people like Mike and I. We haven't got it together at all. Then again that is probably the way life is. I also was once fairly confident and assured.

Tuesday 21st May

The bus left Byron for Brisbane at ten o'clock. It was a nice time to go. I didn't have to hurry and could go about my business leisurely. The film 'Legally Blonde' or something to that effect was being screened. It didn't appeal at first but gradually drew me in. After the film finished I eavesdropped on the people chatting behind me. I didn't mean to but just couldn't help it. The conversation was there waiting to be listened to. One voice belonged to a young German girl, and the other to a middle-aged Aussie guy. They talked about everything including Australia, Europe, travelling, life, health and sickness. You name it, they covered it. The girl struck me as typically germanic, strong, forthright and a little lacking in flexibility. The guy was laidback, seemed very ockerish at first but turned out to be be very well travelled and astutely aware of things. They seemed to enjoy their brief encounter and so did I. For some reason I forgot to check their faces before I got off the bus. Doesn't matter.

I set off for the Palace Backpackers in the city after arriving at the Transit Centre. I was determined to stay somewhere new and in the city. Unfortunately their dorms were booked out. By this stage I was tired and not in the mood for complications. It was all my fault though. Seasoned traveller that I am you would think that I could make life a little easier for myself by booking ahead and checking things. But then I have never operated like this so how could I be expected to start doing so now.

I was given a list of alternative places to stay by the receptionist and a host of phone numbers and realised that the most convenient place would be the one at West End where I had stayed before. I hadn't been impressed with the service and atmosphere last time but decided to go there anyway. I was just too tired to plan something else. Besides they had a free pickup service. I just had to get myself back to the transit centre! This time I took the train, even though it wasn't far away. I just couldn't have walked any further than I had to.

I was placed in an 8 bed dormitory room on the ground floor that backed on to the reception area. My only focus was to grab a bunk and rest my exhausted body. A few hours later I awoke and met some of my room-mates. There were two fellows from the UK, a middleaged Australian man, a dark haired Swedish girl and then there was Eileen from New Guinea. She worked for the real estate people, Hooker's, and was down from Moresby for a two week computer course. Eileen was tall and had the springiest hair. At night she plaited it all into about ten plaits and then in the morning she wrapped a scarf around her forehead and then undid the plaits. The hair then sprung to life and made her at least five centimetres taller.

Monday 20th May

I am glad that it is Monday as Jane is coming home this evening. It will be lovely to have some company in the house. Mind you, I won't really be able to talk with her much this evening as I am actually going out. That will be interesting. I have signed up for a Community Education course on writing your life story. I have no idea what to expect and am a bit worried about whether I have the stamina to last the distance but I will give it a go. Hopefully I will meet some new faces.

I had a doctor's appointment at 2 and then hung around in Byron waiting for the class to start at six o'clock. There was no point in going home because I wouldn't have the energy to walk back in again later. Besides I had plenty to do. My webjournal needed updating and I bought a bus ticket leaving tomorrow for Brisbane. I have a whole string of medical appointments for this week. It will fill in time nicely while I wait to hear from Yana. He will be going to the embassy on Friday and hopefully there will be some very good news then.

Sunday 19th May

It actually is quite lonely. Even the dog, Jasmine, has gone away for the weekend. Sam pops around when she can but she has work commitments and assignments to complete. I am glad that I didn't take on a house sitting situation. Being on my own is not a lot of fun. It is OK if you are fit and well but I feel constantly tired and exhausted. I just can't do a lot, in fact I can't do much at all. I find it all very frustrating.

The news was full of the preparations for nationhood in East Timor. It certainly is an achievement for those who have struggled towards this goal over the last few decades. The Indonesian armed forces, with great audacity, had apparently parked six warships in the harbour just days before. What were they thinking? They had muttered something about protecting Megawati, who was to be there for the ceremony. Fortunately they were persuaded to remove five of them. Do they ever give up?

I walked down to the beach to enjoy some fresh air. There were quite a lot of people about, some of them sunbathing in bikinis. I admired their enthusiasm. It was warmish but not hot! There were dogs everywhere. Big ones, little ones, fat ones and athletic ones. I find their presence amusing because they are not allowed to be on the beach at all. Signs at the entrance are very clear on this. Still I am glad that people are ignoring the rules. The dogs clearly are enjoying themselves and what better place for their owners to come and stroll regularly.

Saturday 18th May

I resolved to buy the weekend newspapers a little earlier this time as I had missed out last week. It was the fourth time I had entered the little suburban shop and the first time that I had ever purchased something. I wonder whether they noticed! Did I make their day?

A journalist had written a food review on a very trendy, expensive Byron restaurant. So expensive that I wouldn't even think of going any where near it. Before analysing her meal, she gave a synopsis of the Byron culture. She admitted to being confused about what to wear. Should she wear flowing Indian clothes with little mirrors or should she dress up in something very chic? She also commented on the rebirthing that so many people go through when they decide to stay in this tropical paradise. Surely they weren't born with the name Oceana? So many become people become alternative therapists and take on the most exotic of names. I had often wondered about this myself.

Sam collected me and we headed off to enjoy my bit of excitement for the day. Shopping in Woolworths! I have never enjoyed shopping, even at the best of times, but at present as I have so little appetite, it is very difficult. I did the best I could.

The rest of the day passed in a haze of television, dreams and books. I feel as though I should be doing more but I just can't summon the energy. I felt so sore, tired and listless. It seemed foolish to fight it. When Yana and Tess are here I will push myself but for the present there seems to be very little reason to do so.

Friday 17th May

I didn't sleep well. Perhaps I should have taken up the offer of a sleeping tablet but I don't like to on principle. I watched more television in the morning and was relieved that the remote control had been fixed. It had been so frustrating the night before lying there, tubes all connected, and not being able to get up to change the television channels. It transpired that some bright spark had undone the tape on the remote and changed one of the batteries. The man who delivered the food explained that this type of behaviour was very typical. Some people took the batteries home. Others took the remote control home. Nothing surprised him any more.

After being discharged, apparently one doesn't check out of hospitals, I headed over to the library. It was still closed and a cluster of people had gathered. I hoped that they weren't all after a computer and staked a claim near the door. Silly really. I was behaving like those silly women at new year department store sales. Not that I'd ever been there myself but I had seen them on television.

By midday I was home. I was exhausted and so just slept through the afternoon. The evening was just as ordinary. I cooked some vegetables that tasted revolting and watched masses of television till my eyes were bright pink again. Jane and Stu had gone to Sydney for the weekend and so I had the house to myself.

Thursday 16th May

We have a new budget and it would seem that we will now have oour borders nicely protected. Funny really. I thought that we were an island. Did I miss something? I may have difficulty with my disabilty pension and medicine will be more expensive but I am supposed to feel safe now. I suspect that paranoia could be enveloping some of our leaders.

It is a bit rough really. People don't choose to be sick. I once had wonderful plans and dreams. They have all been decimated. I have had to downscale my plans, my actions and my outlays. Sometimes I feel that people look down on those who are not well. We didn't do it deliberately. I would give anything to be able to live a normal life. I have no choice on this.

I had to go to the Radiology department round midafternoon to have a drain inserted. This time the radiologist remembered all his tubes and I was then transferred to the Byron Bay hospital. This small but very new and swish place then became my home for the next twelve hours. The fluid was drained off slowly while I lay in a private room with my own television. I was given an evening meal that only just touched the sides, but at least I didn't have to prepare it myself. Sam popped in for a visit and Jane dropped by with a very welcome salad roll. My appetite was huge for once.

I spent the night in the hospital. It didn't worry me. The draining didn't finish till after ten and getting home would have been difficult. I quite enjoyed myself. It was like being in a hotel. In fact the hospital was much better than most of the cheap Indonesian hotels I had stayed in over the years.

Wednesday 15th May

I woke up to a day for which I had no plans. Not a good start and I should know better. I read a bit, listened to the radio a little but was feeling very much out of sorts. It was a phonecall from Yana that gave me some purpose. He was still battling with the two forms that needed to be filled in for the immigration department. They are routine forms but are nonetheless couched in an English that is not really easy to follow. He wanted to make sure that everything was perfect so that there would be no delays with his visa. I realised that the quickest way to help him would be to download the details and then ring him back with all the appropriate answers.

I didn't feel like following my usual route in to the Byron shops. I go that way almost everyday. Instead, I thought that I would surprise Sam who was working the lunch shift at Suffolk Park, have something to eat there and use her computer at her house later. There was a bus within the next half hour and off I set. After a spaghetti bolognese that was so ample that I had to leave some, I tackled downloading the forms.

For some reason I had very little success. Everytime I wanted to access the actual form I was told that I needed to buy Real downloads for US$29.90. I was starting to spit chips. Was information no longer free? Surely the embassy wasn't trying to make money out of this? I was filled with frustration. Fortunately Sam came home and she explained that this always happened when she tried to download things and that there was actually something wrong with the computer. We swapped to her flatmate's computer and within minutes a nice hard copy of the forms was coming out of the printer. Yellow colouring and all. Oops... I hadn't needed colour.

Sam wanted to go surfing and I felt that sitting on a beach would do me the world of good. I went along. It was majestic. The water was shimmering and the beach curved to form a beautiful bay. In the distance were some abrupt, small mini-mountains. They looked almost volcanic, little outthrusts above the green. It was almost four o'clock by the time we arrived but I counted at least fifty people out there on their boards. It wasn't too cold but most people were wearing short wetsuits. I could actually see Sam this time as she caught some waves. Wow, she has come a long way since I took her to the coast in Tasmania a number of years ago. As I sat perched on the nearby rocks I was amazed at the almost constant stream of new arrivals. Young kids from school, older people from work. They all approached the water with enthusiasm and energy, virtually throwing themselves at the waves. With so many people, it became quite crowded and at times I held my breath as a surfer only narrowly missed someone in the water. Dangerous stuff.

Tuesday 14th May

Sam collected me at a fairly early hour and we headed off to Lismore. It is a pleasant drive and the ever-changing scenery makes the trip go quickly. We went to the Lismore Base Hospital which had the largest, most attractive waiting room I have ever encountered in a hospital. The specialist who had flown up from the North Shore Hospital in Sydney that morning was very throrough and helpful. My case was discussed and he offered me some options. These I will digest slowly. Nothing startling or new but it was another person's perspective. It is good to have new input.

I then went into Lismore, feeling quite determined that today was the day I should buy a laptop. I entered Harvery Norman's and checked out their stock. I looked around constantly, waiting expectantly for some assistance. Twenty minutes lapsed and no help was forthcoming. I had half decided to catch the first back back to Byron, rather than wait for 3:30 and hence was a bit short on time. Eventually I left. As I walked out I did mention to a cashier that I was very disappointed with the service. I explained that I had come in to buy but was left standing for far too long. She apologised. Too late, I thought.

I had the nice seat with all the leg room, just behind the driver, on the bus back to Byron. We went via Ballina and Lennox Head so it was quite a scenic detour. I sat there and relaxed for most of the trip. At times, however, the driver was a little too interested in checking out the waves and views. He had his eyes off the road for a little longer than I would have liked. In fact it spoilt my enjoyment of the waves and views. I feel very strongy that drivers must keep their eyes very closely focussed on the road at all times.

I returned to Byron and resumed my usual ritual of drinking a wheatgrass shot from the juice bar and then going on to the library to access the internet. Apparently one shot of wheatgrass equals a kilo of vegetables. Or so they say. Tastes foul though. At the library I opened a letter from Yana which confirmed what he had said on the telephone the night before. He is very close to being granted his visa. He simply has to go into Jakarta with his passport, fill in a few routine forms and then hopefully will be able to collect his visa in a week or so. I was ecstatic. It is all going to work out. The embassy has worked very quickly and I will have nothing but praise for them once it is all over.

Monday 13th May

Another beautiful day in paradise. The fine days just keep coming. I am quite enjoying Paul Theroux's novel about a fellow working at the American Embassy in London. It is a little over the top or I certainly hope so. If the sole aim of embassy work is to have parties in order to spy on the activities of significant locals then I have even less respect for this expensive institution.

I listen to Radio Australia regularly. They have a lot of very interesting programs so I just lie there and try to give my bloodshot eyes a break from all the reading I expose them to. My hair seems to be hanging in there. I am still shedding but not losing handfulls. I hope, I hope, I hope that it will stay on my head.

I walked to the shops by a different route today. It was obviously through an older part of Byron with lots of weatherboard houses. I passed a number of schools and felt a twinge of jealousy. I would love to be well enough to be able to teach. It would be so nice to have my own class and do something productive each day. My days are very indulgent and my actions make no impact on the world at all. I must find some activity that I am physically able to do and that actually results in something that is of use or help to others.

I am now a library member and this entitles me to an hour of free internet usage. I only take advantage of this every few days but it is still a bonus. It is an amazing service and I am thrilled to think that Australian libraries feel that this is an important service that they are offering to the community. I won't tell them that the man sitting beside me is devoting his hour to online gambling!

Sunday 12th May

After such a big day yesterday I was not feeling really energetic. It didn't matter though. Sam was very busy working a long and packed lunch shift so I could relax and take it easy. I read the weekend papers but didn't find a lot to interest me. The weekend before had been much better. I had been so amused to read that John Howard was making gestures that were supposed to appeal to those whose supported a multicultural Australia. The things people do to curry favour.

It is nice having a dog around. Jasmine is a sweetie although she views every human as nothing more than a ball thrower. All I want to do is pat her lovely soft head and she simply ducks from me and grabs her ball in preparation for games. The tactic nonetheless wins her a couple of throws.

Later in the early evening Sam and I went to a avery full Beach Hotel and listened to a band called the Wild Zinnias. They played fast, racing Irish jigs and I enjoyed them immensely. It was a shame that we only caught their last few songs. I will keep an eye open and see if I can enjoy them again some time.

We decided to do something a little different for an evening meal. For all my Asian travels I was very short on Japanese food experiences. I shamefully admitted that I had never tried sushi and felt that it was probably a good time to try. Off we went and it was fun. Sam and I had totally different taste which made it hard to share things but we coped somehow. I look forward to doing it again.

Saturday 11th May

Sammie came round to say hello and announced that she was heading off to Tweed Heads and was hoping to do a bit of surfing up there. I felt like going with her. Cheekily I invited myself along and told her that I would be wonderful company. I think I convinced her.

It was lovely to leave Byron. I lead a very small life with shopping and occasional internet visits being the highlight of my days. Driving out for an adventure really inspired me. I was as happy as I could be. The drive through the green sugarcane fields and along the coast was a feast for the eyes. We stopped at Kingscliff and looked everywhere for the market. It was quite a nice place and we both decided that we could live there if we had to. The name was filed for future reference. Eventually we found the market and bought some dried fruit. It was quite blustery and the stall holders were kept busy holding their stalls down on the ground. Those that sold stained glass hanging arrangements were trying to stop their goods from smashing. A little stressful I imagine.

It was then off to the Gold Coast where we did a bit of shopping. The day was whizzing past. Before we knew it was time to head back. Sam wanted a surf so we stopped at Cabarita. I stayed in the car at the top of the headline and watched for her intently. Unfortunately, from that distance everyone looked the same and I was unable to distinguish her from the others. She was disappointed as she had been showing off and had apparently ridden some good waves. I obviously need binoculars.

I was dropped off home, tired but very content. Sam had to go to work at the Suffolk Park Pub and I was well and truly ready for a rest. Later that evening I watched a video with Stu, Jane and their visitor. It was called 'The Score' and was very intense. I find robbery movies exhaust and terrify me. I just want the thieves to get out as quickly as possible and can't bare to see them executing their movements. Sometimes I just have to close my eyes or leave the room. I want it all to be over.

Friday 10th May

I woke to another beautiful morning. Another draining procedure had been more or less organised and I waited exact instructions. I was to go into Radiology in Byron at 12:30 and the drain would be inserted. I would then be transferred to the little Byron Bay hospital and there they would slowly drain the fluid. It was expected that the procedure would take some time. I may even have to overnight there. I was just looking forward to the relief of not having to trot about with a very full and taut abdomen.

I walked slowly into the main part of town and was attended to fairly quickly. It soon transpired, after the appropriate hole in my abdomen had been made, that the radiologist had forgotten to bring a major connecting tube. I groaned. Would I be sent home? I was lucky. They decided to drain me there and then. They had to pump the liquid out rather than let gravity do the job. This method is fairly labour intensive. Both the radiologist and radiographer gave up their lunchtimes and the draining was effected in about an hour. I was immensely grateful. It was done nice and quickly! Just the way I like it done. Admittedly by default, though.

The rest of the day passed fairly quietly. I never feel overly energetic after the procedure and neither would I be expected to. I lose a lot of proteins and body salts. I continued with my reading and watched some mindless television. Anything to make me tired and pass the time of day.

Thursday 9th May

I was barely awake before I got a phonecall from Stu asking me to supervise the delivery of some pavers. This I did. Stu was very worried about his lawn and I had to stress to the driver of a huge truck that the lawn was to be avoided at all costs. In his attempts to respect this the poor fellow made some impact on the tall privet hedge. There were bits ripped out and it now looks somewhat ragged. Oops.

The next mission for the day was to get to Suffolk Park to see my doctor. He isn't in his usual surgery on Thursdays. Some drainage had to be organised. I had rung the bus company and worked out that there was a service going in the right direction. I even found out that it was a bit like Indonesia. You could actually hail the bus from wherever and it would endeavour to stop. While waiting I wondered whether I should try hitchhiking. So many people get about this way here. Something seemed to stop me. It was over a quarter of a century since I had last stuck my thumb out and I was obviously lacking in confidence. The bus arrived before my courage improved.

Suffolk Park is a few kilometers south of Byron. Sammie lives there, but today she would be at the university in Lismore. While waiting for the bus back home I was able to observe the surroundings for a bit. It is a laid back place but surprisingly busy. It was a magnificent day and considering that it was the last month of Autumn, quite humid . Surfers pedalled past, one hand on the handlebars, the other curved protectingly around their surfboards. Housewives, scantily dressed pop into the shops for some milk and bread. What a lifestyle these people have. Perhaps this is paradise.

The bus ride back to Byron was short but very pleasant. We detoured through a suburb with superb gardens and then entered the main road again. I couldn't help but notice the tropical vegetation everywhere. There were massive trees with large bright flowers, palms of all shapes and sizes, hibiscus, bouganvillea. All my favourite plants.

Wednesday 8th May

Jane was going to the shops so I abandoned my hectic schedule to take advantage of the ride. Normally the walk so exhausts me that I can't do much once I am there. Today was not much different. Woolworths in Byron is so big that I wore myself out just getting my shopping done. Talk about ridiculous. I had plans of doing a whole host of other things. I returned home. Tired and defeated.

I lost the afternoon to sleep. I tried not to become too demoralised. At present my abdomen is so taut and full that it actually hurts. I realise that it is the build up of fluid that causes the exhaustion. Still, after three months I've had enough of it. I want it to stop. Doesn't work like that unfortunately.

I seem to be shedding hair everywhere. I try not to think about the fact that I may lose all my beautiful curls, particularly since they have reached such a pleasant length. It is odd that it is starting to happen now. Why didn't it happen after the first dose of chemotherapy? I was more or least expecting it to happen then and would probably have coped. Now I have got this far I think it will be more upsetting.

I rang up Yana to tell him that all the appropriate papers are now in Jakarta and that his application is now in the hands of the processing officer. He was so worried that his case might have been closed. The migration officer even said that she acknowledged the urgency of our situation but pointed out that they were very busy at present. I was happy with this and am now prepared to wait, for a little while, anyhow.

Tuesday 7th May

My street is so very quiet that I can sit and look out the window for hours and see virtually nothing apart from gardens and the house on the opposite side of the road. The occasional car may drive past but a person is a complete rarity. What a contast to Indonesia where there were people everywhere. The only movement comes from birds playing in the shrubs and trees. Beautiful big, multicoloured birds, they are, with deep and raucous cries.

At eleven o'clock or thereabouts there was action. The postman drove up and down on his little orange bike and filled letterboxes with mail. At almost the same time a baretopped, middleage fellow walked past with a dog in tow. Wow. I was bowled over. There was life around after all!

On rereading old newspapers I discovered that, heaven forbid, I had missed the Nimbin Mardi Gras 2002 last weekend. Nimbin, for the uninitiated, was the scene of a very alternative movement some years ago. I drove through there once and found that there wasn't much there but perhaps I hadn't looked properly. Last weekend there would have been a big crowd all intent on watching the joint rolling competitions, bong throwing or the Cannabis cup. If I had a Volkswagen Kombi I could have driven it in the convoy leaving from Byron, if I was a gardener I could have participated in the Grower's Iron Person competition. I could have swapped seeds if I needed to. I also missed the parade. It could have all been most entertaining.

I have been reading so much that my eyes have started to become pink and bloodshot. It is a bit of a nuisance really. I tend to have to use my eyes a lot to pass the time of day. I hope I don't look like I spent the weekend at the Nimbin Mardi Gras 2002!

Monday 6th May

I woke up to the sound of voices in the backyard. It was apparent that there was some activity going on. Would you believe it, Stu and a mate were getting stuck into the paving, on a Monday morning. Another fellow arrived later and there was a constant stream of stories, jokes, and laughter. Good on them . The old Australian concept of mateship.

I was not flushed with a great deal of energy. I am really good at just sitting there doing absolutely nothing. I often feel as though it is a waste of good time. Time is after very precious to me.

In the midafternoon I did drag myself out to the shops. I do enjoy updating the webjournal and I had a few ideas on how I could fix last week's muck up. A good walk around the shops is also interesting. Every time I go I spot something new.

Sunday 5th May

It was another very wet night. I had wanted to make an early start for the Byron Bay Markets but the rain didn't stop till after ten. Jane had offered me the use of her car but I knew parking would be horrendous. I felt safer on my own feet. The sun quickly gathered warmth but the market area was still very wet underfoot. A lot of stallholders had obviously decided to stay in bed and perhaps had done so wisely. There were plenty of spare spots and I could appreciate that the market was only a shadow ofits full potential. It was much the same as markets go. There was organic vegetables, middle-eastern food, soaps, jewellery and then there were clothes. I had always imagined that alternative people sat in the hills making their own misshapen corduroy trousers and striped knitted cardigans from scraps and bits and pieces. Apparently not. Here was stall after stall of bright clothing, all pressed, clean and perfect. They can actually be bought. It must be the washing in rivers and the constant sleeping in that renders them to the baggy, crinkled, dishevelled state that I tend to spot them in. I was amazed.

I left the market with a small container of bee wax cream and a kilo of tomatoes. I always was one of the last big spenders! I then visited Berenice who owns a bed and breakfast very nearby. Yana and I had spent the night there earlier on in the year and I really enjoyed her company. I didn't want to disturb her so she kept on cleaning her rooms and I accompanied her from room to room, chair to chair. It was very pleasant.

In the evening Sam and I went to the movies at the Piggery again. This time we saw 'A Beautiful Mind'. It was a lovely film and I enjoyed it immensely. At times it was a little difficult to watch because a man with the largest, squarest head ever, had parked himself tall and confidently in front of me. As a tall person I always squash myself down so that the people around me have half a chance of seeing. Not this one. What selfcentredness he showed.

I was going to ring Yana at nine. I got my numberbook ready and was about to pick up the phone. It rang. Yana. He said that he had been really worried about me last night. he had had a really creepy feeling that things were not well. Perhaps he had heard me crying myself to sleep. Funny really. Perhaps there is such a thing as telepathy.

Saturday 4th May

I spent hours thinking of my webjournal. Yesterday I had very stupidly managed to bring the bottom to the top and the top down to the bottom. I wasn't even clever enough to work out how I'd managed it. I decided to give it some thought .... later.

Sam surprised me with an early morning visit. She had already had her surf while I hadn't even finished my breakfast. We went to the library where she dutifully sponsored my membership. I can't provide the electricity, telephone, rates bills or mortgage slips that indicate I am a responsible trustworthy citizen. Shiftless character that I am. She of constantly changing address. So I needed my wonderful daughter. The librarian thought it was a real hoot to see things reversed, generally parents bring in their offspring, and she hoped that Sam would lecture me about not incurring any fines.

The weather deteriorated towards the evening but in one dry patch I decided to brave the elements. I asked Jasmine, the border collie of the house, to come with me. After about ten minutes I regretted the move. Jasmine loves walks but she also loves her ball. She continously would pop the ball in front of me, wait expectantly a few steps away, and the cycle would repeat itself. We were making slow progress. I am not overly mobile and bending down every five seconds to pick up a ball when your stomach is full of fluid is not easy. Something had to give. I started to kick the ball and the dog still seemed quite happy. I would have felt cheated.

I am really starting to miss Yana. Sometimes I get quite scared about what is happening to me. I just wish he was here. He would be able to keep me laughing.

Friday 3rd May

I felt marginally better which was a relief. Still I wasn't ready to go for jog along the beach quite yet. The weather was capricious again. The sky was blue and the sun shining brightly but all of a sudden rain would start bucketing. I wonder if this is typical.

I had a doctor's appointment and slowly made my way from the residential quiet of my home to the bustle of the major Byron streets. I passed newly arrived backpackers looking confused and dazed and watched those that had had their fill of the place stow their baggage into the waiting Greyhound buses. I saw hippy couples with big wild looking dogs on leashes, young things in bikini tops and shorts, a dirty somewhat confused older man and any number of people with dread locks. One lass had plaited feathers, rags, denim, satin, you name it, it was all now part of her hair. Another had at least fifteen, or was it twenty, studs in her ear. People certainly are fascinating in Byron.

I must be getting prudish. I have just noticed what I would consider a rather unfortunate trend. Pregnant women here seem to find the smallest, shortest top possible and wear it with complete abandon. Everything just hangs out. One woman looked just minutes away from giving birth. I didn't know where to look. She was massive. I kind of liked smocks. Easier on the eye.

Thursday 2nd May

I took the morning easy. I had borrowed Jane's book about Tuscany and was entranced with the portrayal of life in that beautiful region of Italy. The food, the countryside, the people, the houses were all presented so vividly that I was almost there.

I had planned to walk to the shops and update my webjournal but the thought of the trip completely exhausted me. I didn't have one skerrick of energy in my body. I was saved by the unexpected arrival of Stu who had decided to escape his office. He works in real estate and was trying to come to term with the fact that two of his co-workers had already sold over a million dollars of property and they were only two days into the new month! Byron Bay is a real enigma. It has the lowest per capita income in NSW, a very high number of unemployed and yet on the other hand it has rapidly rising property prices. Rental accommodation is very expensive and that is why it is easy to rent a room in a share house. Most people have to take in boarders to make ends meet. Stu had told me that their house has appreciated two hundred thousand dollars since they bought it two years ago. Silly old me who owned a house in Launceston only got her measly money back after two years. What a world!!

I achieved what I set out to do and even managed to carry some bags of shopping home. It was a slow walk back and I was actually a little scared. I felt fairly revolting and wondered whether I was perhaps beyond the stage of being able to look after myself. Everything was becoming a massive effort. I decided not to panic and just take it a day at a time. It may be the chemo and not the cancer advancing. Still it would be wonderful if Yana was here with me. The papers should have arrived in Jakarta by now but I doubt whether they are there waiting anxiously for them.

Wednesday 1st May

Breakfast was such a demanding performance that I had to lie down for three hours to recover. I can't say that I have been bored lately, as I have been simply too tired. It doesn't matter because I haven't a busy schedule. I will say that I am definitely up to date with news events if someone wants to discuss current Australian happenings. The (refugee)children overboard stories that swept little Johnny Howard back to power are apparently somewhat lacking in substance. Very interesting!

A little after midday I walked into the town centre and the doctors centre to have the remaining fluid taken out. I can't say that the walk was easy as the tubing was very uncomfortable but I simply put one foot in front of the other and got there eventually. The staff at the centre was wonderful and I walked out lighter and more svelte. Sammie took me home and I had to sleep iagain in order to recover from my exertions.

I read a most worrying article in Time magazine while I was at the doctor's centre. It was about child prostitution in Asia. I knew it existed but it doesn't hurt to be reminded of the scale and suffering involved. We live in a strange world if some parents are so desperately poor that they will rent out their offspring. Granted some of them may not know what their children are doing but they are nonetheless still only children. I also worry about a world where men are prepared to pay big money to be the first to deflower a child. It strikes me as some people have their priorities wrong.

marionecp@hotmail.com