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"Hit it Johnny! Pretty Woman walking down the street..."

The Hindi version of the song from the "Kal Ho Na Ho" soundtrack is pumping from Vanillah's ghetto blaster.

After two months of painstaking rehearsals the kids finally got the dance routine right.
Vee was proud to watch a dozen of brats demonstrate the moves, perfectly miming the love lyrics as they twirled around the studio in intricate Bollywood manouvers.

Fucking Hell! So good it looked, Vee was out of breath.
So pleased she was, she decided to celebrate, as it was Thursday night, the pay day.

The Youth Club "Treasury Secretary" was away - bad luck - she got paid fuck-0 for her hard work.
Bad news - V. was skint.

Ping!
Vee says, "Desperate times call for desperate measures."

Somewhere at the bottom of her purse there was that old 12th Oct travelcard.
12th Oct 2000.

Vee says, 'All right. Let's do some time travel.'

The "0" turned into a "4" under her fingers right before her eyes, as she was getting creative with Domestos and cotton wool buds.

'Yeah!', praise the excellent job, no praise like self-praise.

A full litre of "Bison Piss" fits perfectly into two plastic screw sport top bottles.
One for Nat, one for Vee, Bee's gonna bring a bottle of "vino collapso rouge".

The one with the innocent looks, Vanillah, will sneak the refreshments in, past the security in Cargo.

'As if they wanted to frisk MY skinny arse..', she says.


                                     *     *     *

Success!
The three bitches got in loaded with cheap illegal booze just before clock strikes eleven.

So they sat on the sofa in the dark corner of the club swinging from the home-made flask, getting quite merry.
A black geyser from the other side of the room decides to join in the party.
Not too embarassed at all he sat on a puff stool next to Nat making small talk.
Vee sized him up.

'This one's mine. Move over.', Vanillah swaps seats with Nat.

'Hello, my dear', the bloke did not look too pleased but what the hell.

'Well hello darling'

The conversation's flowing easy aided by large volumes of exotic methyls circulating in their systems.

'I got caught once with 130 dodgy travel cards on me.', he boasts.

'Wow!', a sudden confession..

'All right, lightweights?' Lido has just turned up in a crucial moment of the evading story with a bottle of Jack Daniels.
How the fuck did he smuggle the square beauty past the Moody Gorillas at the door - beats me - he's got his ways.

'I was booked coz I wouldn't pay the bus fare. 50p? I ain't lookin like a pussy in front of my mates.'
'Was in the cell for ten hours before my sisters bailed me out'
'Two and a half grand I had to repay but I haven't lost my face.', continues the Convicted Fare Evader (CFE).

'Did you learn your lesson?'

Instead of an answer he offers Vee a drink, so they go up to the bar.
Vee looks deep into his eyes and tops up his glass of Vin Blanc with some extra strenghts Bison Piss.

'The truth. He will tell me the truth. He will tell me everything.
After all I'm here to write about it ' she's trying to get some ideas for a love story.

'So. Show me true love, bastards'

Vanillah empties the rest of the contents of the "flask" into her own mouth and gets busy with the white wine.
The truth might be easier to swallow when you swallowed a lot yourself.

'Lesson? Sure I did!', he laughs with an evil twinkle in his eye.

Lido's doing good with his bottle of J.D. and entertains the ladies well until in the corner of his pissed eye he caught a glimpse of a shapely juicy bottom placing itself down on the sofa behind the trio.

Now you see him, now you don't.

Nat and Bee are on their own again.
Good luck, Lid.

Vanillah questions the Travel Card Master.
He's got, 2 big brothers, 2 big sisters and a 2yr old baby-sis.

'How old are you'?

'37'

'How old's your Dad'?

'72'

'???', Vee looks puzzled, a Ja version of Des O'Connnor story...?
'How comes?'

'It is my fault really..'
'There was this neighbour of ours. She was always round our house.'
'Sitting in the kitchen with me, asking questions about my Dad and stuff..I thought she fancied me.'

'How old was she?'

'35'
'One day my Dad says to me, "Junior, I can't get it up no more"', so I went out and got him the blue pill..'
'Got a two yr old sister now and a young Stepmother.', he smiles.

'Was it a shotgun wedding?'

'Yeah', he says.

V. is a bit sceptical. An old song comes to mind..

'Your Daddy ain't your Daddy but your Daddy don't know..'

'Thought he'd be shooting blanks at that age, but what do you know..'

'Well, *you* won't need a blue pill, willya?', she flirts with the self-confessed convict.

'Yeah...I need a yes-woman tonight', he says out of the blue.

The floor starts undulating and melting, the lights are spinning on the dance floor, empty wine glass reflects Vee's smiling face, the Evader looks tasty as he moves in closer and closer.
Time to make a move.



                                     *     *     *


Nat and Bee are getting bored and Lido's gone missing.
Suppose he got lucky and took the kingsize-arsed-bitch home.

'Bugger! There goes our lift home.', it has just gone past Midnight, time to take a train back home.


                                     *     *     *


Vee sat next to her Evading Trophy-Man.

'Where the fuck's Nat and Bee gone?', you can hear them laughing from a distance, but there's no sight of the bitches.
'Mish, put your seatbelt on.'
'What the fuck? What seatbelt. I'm on a train, weirdo!'

The train moves off and V.'s CFE-man pulls out a fan of colourful travel cards and starts dealing them half-price to other defiant clubbing souls in the carriage.
Making a small fortune, he suddenly freezes as the Connex staff walks in.

Vanillah pulls her marvel of a bleached graphic design piece and flashes it nonchalantly as they pass by.

'Can I have a closer look, Madam?'

'Fuck! I'm screwed'
'A mugshot of my face on a Fare Evader poster on every fucking London Transport vehicle'
'What is my teenage daughter gonna say?'

'Mum, GROW UP!'

'What do I do!?'
'Ping! Scoliosis(*)!'

Vee tucks the two half full plastic bottles in her pants, under her cardigan, turns around towards the ticket inspector and flexes her spine in a pregnant pose, supporting the lower back with the left hand.

'Loo. I need a loo!'

Should work.
Always works.
Doesn't.
Vee's fucked.
How the fuck is she going to raise a cool round £2,500 jail bail!?

'Fuck! Bollox! Bitch!
B-O-L-L-O-X!!!'

'Try the "me no speak no english" approach? -naah.. '
'Loo?', she tries one last time.

In vain.

                                       *     *     *


Vanillah feels something trickling down her thigh.
The head feels heavy and there's something poking her in the armpit and something else down below.
Her arse feels wet.

'Fuck!', the vocabulary is rich, 'Did I piss myself?'

To test the wet theory she reaches down under with her little finger and puts it in her mouth.

'Hmmm, alrrrite..', she says to herself pulling out a mutilated broken bottle of Bison Piss from her panties.

Stumbling out of the bed she trips over something soft on the floor.
Almost fell on her face as she fumbled into the bathroom.
Pulling the wet smelly clothes off, she looks in the mirror.

'Oooh.'
Cold water...No, the make-up's still intact, ain't worth it..
'Not too bad'

'Oi! Who the fuck are you!?', she turns around with her knickers half way down as someone's brushed against her arse running into the bathroom to pay hommage to the porcelain god.

'Put a lid on it, Val. You smell rank, girl.'', says Lid looking away from Vee's "merchandise", "I ain't in the mood for pussy yet. Fry some eggs first, mun.'

'Yours..?' , she asks herself.
' Lid! What the fuck are you doing here?'

'Blwah!', Lido's purging his stomach, not in a mood for this conversation.
'Lightweight, you was so messed up I had to carry you to bed.'
'Wanted to take advantage but was so fucked I couldn't get it up.'

'Oh..', Vee chuckles.
'So. What happened to the fat bitch, Diddo-Lido?'

'We've just answered your question, darling.'

'Did you drive me home last night?', Vanillah's changing the subject.

'Gonna get in the kitchen, woman?'
'Blwah!', he splatters the nasty stuff and pauses to examine the fresh contents of the toilet bowl.

'Jeezus wept! Don't look at the stuff!'

'Jesus sucks cock', Lid is getting irritated, 'Get your pussy out of my face, darling.'

Vee's phone rings, saved by the bell, she makes her way downstairs disgraced.

'Hi, it's Simon.'

'Who?'

'You gave me your number in Cargo last night, sweetie. This is the only number I have on me and I only get one phone-call..'

                                       *     *     *

So what the fuck's gonna happen next..maybe we'll have some egg fried action in the kitchen, gonna make it filthy, take a shower first..this story is happening, mate..
And then again maybe..Vee will have to fall in love with...dollars and do the Travel Card Master in the cell..

                                       *     *     *

Vee says, 'I was gonna enter a "This Year's Love" short story competition.
Instead, when some poor bastard got caught with an old bus pass on a 185 to Catford this morning, the story above came to me there and then, scribbling it at the back of my syllabus, I missed my stop and got chatting to someone on the way back..
This Year's Love.....
The prize is $300 so I'd better put some fucking lurve into this piece or I'll be painting travel cards for the rest of my life..
Someone's gotta fall in love with the Evading Rat, hmmm..any takers?'

                                       *     *     *

In the meantime some bitch has been spotted practising fare evading on the London Transport to experience this minor adrenaline rush when you sit your arse down on a nice seat with a view after you've just flashed a 4 yr old weekly bus pass at a driver who could not give a toss anyway.
Vee says, 'Might as well pull me tits out and flash at him!'


Vee says, 'This one will be evolving as this years's lurve enters the stage - step back and watch!'

Yours
              Vanillah
               11/10/2004


PS Do you evade? Tell me.

Vee says, 'Gotcha, FUCKER! Gonna read the fucking story or what!?'(go back and read it)


(*)Scoliosis, abnormal curvature of spine, frontal arch.