1.   ENGAGEMENT RING.

2.   IMAGINARY DOG.

3.   POLICE HAT.

4.   MISS BITCH'96.

5.   HE GAVE HER THE KEY.

6.   WOULD YOU GO OUT WITH A SHORT..

7.   ALICE LILLS JONES - THE MANIACAL DEPRESSANT,
     WAS ASKED TO POSE FOR AN ANNA KARENINA PORTRAIT.

8.   SELF DOUBT - A CAUCASSIAN WITH AN IDENTITY CRISIS.

9.   VANILLAH HEAD LOCK.

10.  DR DEATH.




1. ENGAGEMENT RING

A mate, student, 21, is buying an engagement ring, *SO* skint but in Love enough to take out a massive £500 bank loan to cover for the luxury.

The Object of the Expensive Love is currently away on his half-term break to Goa with a Lady of Age and Money who takes care of his needs in return for a bit of affection.
Since he left High School last year the Other Woman has been supporting his rich lifestyle of a Glamorous Gigolo.

There must be Magic in his Wand.

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2. IMAGINARY DOG

There was this retarded boy, his features were somewhat oriental.
His name was Johnny and he was often seen taking his dog out for walks in Peckham Rye Common.
Johnny would throw a stick and Rex would fetch it to receive lots of praise from his master.
An old lady once passed by and asked Johnny what was he doing patting the thin air and talking to a stick.

'I am playing with my dog', says Johnny to an inquisitive Gran.

'Where is the bloomin'pet, my dear? It doesn't exist.', says she.

Johnny turns around with an angry expression on his face and throws the stick on the road, right where a speeding car passes by every second or so.

'Now he doesn't.'

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3. POLICE HAT?

Vee says, 'Naaah, that's boring..Here's what I've prepared earlier..'

3. "OPEN YOUR LEGS, LUV."

A woman lays down on an exercise mat in the free weights area of the gym and proceeds with abdominal and pelvic floor exercises.(*)
The "Testosterone Corner" is heaving with perspiring bicep curling Arnie "wannabees" buzzing with cheap anabolics.
The Little Male Heads spinning with endorphins, immediately turn as soon as the lady's knees open.
A black guy makes his way towards the water fountain, passes by the female occupying the mat and glares straight between her thighs.
Another black geyser follows his friend, passes by the mat, looks down between the lady's open legs and smiles.
A third (white) man passes by, examines the buttocks of the gentleman in front of him, smiles with a pleasurable expression on his face, passes wind right into the lady's open nostrils, and glides away swinging his hips.
Left. Right.
Right. Left.
'Phoar!'

(*)the ones that keep the surface tight round your man's equipment.

21:33,17/11/04, 'Testosterone Corner',Fusion, Dulwich

Vee says, 'I wish the woman was not me and she had her cam on her at the time.'

I wrote this on a pre-Xmas Fri-nite at Tuttons, Covent Garden, listening to "Eat at Joe's" by Suzy Boguss, over a slow and thick cuppa served by Sr. Choco Quente (Mr Hot Choc) straight after a "Street Dancing" class at the Pineapple Studios (what a disappointment that was too - -Yes, the instructor turned out to be gay!). It was mega-cold and the wine bar was buzzing with druken patrons.This sort of athmosphere has got a calming effect on me and refreshes the ole m'mry.

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4. MISS BITCH'96

'I'm his New Girlfriend. Pack your bags, darling. I'm coming over.', "She" rang up his Common Law Wife a day before he got back from his city break to Belgrade in summer'96, where he was playing a gig.

On his return to London he found His Woman in tears.
His holiday romance with a psychotic fan turned out to be the Disaster of His Life.

Two failed marriages later, Miss'96 is still succesfully screwing his brain while the Sugar Daddies are getting discarded every year or so.

In 2004 he is still in love with Miss Bitch'96. He suffers grief to his heart and to his soul and loss of health to his body.
An 8yr-long remote control Head Fuck -- "She" has never actually come down to London.

10 CONCLUSIONS:

1. We know that "She" is a beautiful woman.
2. "She" knows it too.
3. Which makes "Her" a bitch.
4. He is obsessed with a bitch.
5. Which is not healthy for him.
6. He must preserve his health.
7. Drop the bitch.
8. Alternatively he may want to:
- write a song about the bitch,
- get famous,
- get the bitch back
- and then drop the bitch for another tosser to pick up.
9. Which makes HIM a HERO and NOT a TOSSER.
10. Finally:
Urban Spaceman is a friend of Vanillah. He makes a wicked cup of coffee. Vanillah cares for her friends, hence the good advice above.

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5. HE GAVE HER THE KEY

Mona Shy was feeling lonely and neglected.

Vee says,'Under no circumstances you should EVER pester him with texts and phonecalls - it will turn him OFF. Take it like a MAN. He'll come around. In HIS own time. If not him than another. Show some PRIDE.'

Mona switched the radio on, sat down on the carpet, crossed her legs, hugged her knees and started rocking herself to comfort.
'Gotta show me a little luv..', she could not resist a strong impulse to text the words of the lyrics to the object of her misery, TAA33 aka a Younger Man she was in love with.

'You know I haven't got the time for all this crap. Just come over whenever you feel like it, make yourself comf and give us a bell. I'll come home as soon as pos.'

The following morning, after a night of passion, Mona's lover gave her the key to his house.

Vee says, 'I was wrong..Stop fucking asking me for advice.'

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