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"Love isn't an emotion. It's an irrevocable decision." --Aaron Wilkinson
"Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded." --Tim Allen
"Life, in it's essence, is neither a song, journey, nor dream. Life...is a nake ride on a mad porcupine." --Aaron Wilkinson and Keith Riester
"...Gain understanding, and afterwards we will speak." --Job 8:2
"Love is like a snowmobiling in the tundra when suddenly it flips over and pins you underneath it. At night, the ice weasels come out." --Unknown
"I pray that this song I'm about to sing will not only speak to your heart, but that it will spiritually rip you limb from limb and lay you barren, naked, and writhing in conviction on the cold, dank, tile floor.... Amen, God bless you." --Unknown
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" --Unknown
"Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: 'Mankind.' Basically, it's made up of two separate words -- 'mank' and 'ind.' What do those two words mean? It's a mystery and that's why, so is mankind." --SNL
"There are no experts, only idiots that think they know everything. Believe me. I'm an expert about this." --Unknown
"I'm not even sure you can call it magic if someone doesn't die." -- Black Mage
"You better stop being so poor or else I'm gonna start throwing rocks at you." --Unknown
"When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you." --Unknown
"The truly wise are content to be last. They are, therefore, first. They are indifferent to themselves. They are, therefore, self-confident." --Unknown
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, 'toys not included.'" --Bernard Manning
"All power corrupts, but we need the electricity." --Unknown
"Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted." --Aldous Huxley
"The worst prison would be a closed heart." --Pope John Paul II
"I'm so old, they've cancelled my blood type." --Bob Hope
"You know you're getting old when Santa starts looking younger." --Robert Paul
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer." --Douglas Adams
[on Michael Jackson] "Honey, you gotta pick a race first. All of a sudden you're a black man, then you're Diana Ross, now you're Audrey Hepburn. Then he's got the little beard going on. He's like Lord of the Rings, the entire cast. Michael's about to jump species." --Robin Williams
"It's not easy having Dyslexia. Last week I went to a toga party as a goat." --Unknown
[on kissing Jennifer Aniston] "It's a job -- someone's gotta do it. The reality is, Jennifer and I can do our job well because we truly are friends. But when the day's over, she goes home to her boyfriend and I go home to a magazine." --David Schwimmer
"I don't believe in reincarnation, and I didn't believe in it when I was a hamster." --Shane Ritchie
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph." --Shirley Temple
"A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other." --Unknown
"I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering." --Yakov Smirnoff
"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds." --Joan Rivers
"Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished." --Leslie Nielsen
"A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late." --Frank Sinatra
"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot." --Jay Leno
"A lot of people think that I'm a Michael Jackson impersonator." --Michael Jackson
"I don't drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotis. I break out in handcuffs." --Robert Downey Jr.
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