When I joined the church, I had a feeling of inadequacy that I couldn’t understand. My decisions were not valid to anyone or me in my imaginary world. I felt guilty and hurt, because I was thinking that I was not with God. I felt like I needed permission to do things, I was constantly reminded of how important it was to seek advice. I was forced to think differently in almost everyway. I was deceived to think that my good intentions were worthless. Was I being rebellious, and not with God? I was told that I was too independent and self-reliant, which are not sins. What I am doing now with my feelings of doubts is satanic, according to an ICC member. I’m battling against God.

When you are being brainwashed, you don’t even realize it. I was told that I was thoughtless, when I was trying to do my own research. In reality, what I want is to be right with God, I believe there is one. This woman believes that she has it all with her Bible, and that I’m not going to make it to heaven. “Making it to heaven requires making disciples” she stated. I don’t disagree with that statement, only with the procedure. She doesn’t understand that what she is doing, and therefore cannot really listen with an open heart. With the excuse that Satan is attacking God’s church, many of the members fail to realize or verify any of the criticism that the church receives.

Right now, I feel a freedom. I feel weak spiritually and sad, with a mixed happiness, grateful indeed for the experience that I did go through. This is me trying to get myself back, after I tried hard dying to myself. The phrase “dying to self” is commonly used in the ICC, so therefore I tried to change even in areas I did not need to. This is hard to understand, because the women I met were focused on serving God. I was blinded by an obscure faith in the Bible, interpreted a certain way. Bible study with these women is full of deceit by a predetermined study, guided by the thoughts of one man, who guides them thinking that they are the only people with great hearts, because they belong to the "kingdom" (terms will be later explained). They are the only people that are saved, and the rest are in darkness.

Brief History of the International Church of Christ

ICC was formally named in 1993 to represent a breaking point of other Churches of Christ, whose doctrines and practices differed significantly from those of the leaders in the Boston Movement. The ICC doctrine is similar to that of the “mainline” Churches of Christ from which the ICC was created. Kip McKean primarily reviews and authorizes anything that is published by the ICC. When McKean planted a church in Boston back in 1979, he applied a “discipling” method that helped the church grow intensely. In the early 1990’s, the Boston church leader moved to Los Angeles and renamed the church. Today, policy and doctrine are legislated from Los Angeles. The ICC teaches that they are the only true church. Giving is often under compulsion and fear, and the legalistic system robs excitement out of the Christian life with numbers and quotas. There has been explosions and churches that have been disfellowshipped and marked since the beginning of the history of the church. Members are unaware of this because they are constantly rewriting history to make the church look good. Everyone knows that Christ was persecuted, he was crucified! There were numerous complaints raised by many psychologists who were treating patients who showed evidence of psychological abuse and who had all been members of the ICC (Yeakley 1988).

Schwartz & Kaslow (2001) stated that member of a cult frequently perceive themselves as objects of religious persecution. I read that there will be no contact made with you, because you can have the risk of becoming marked yourself. I think that somehow I had been labeled, because I did a flyer in anger and bitterness toward the church and Kip McKean. I briefly stated that I couldn’t believe that Kip lived in a $489,000 home. I talked about control relentlessly and gave glory to material things that currently owned such as my car, and my computer at home.

The Studies

At the time of my baptism in August 2001, ICC required that I go through a series of studies in which I confessed my sins, was told to repent, and they extended my baptism until I started attending Chemical Recovery (CR), and apologized to my friend. CR is a mini alcohol anonymous meeting only for people who had a problem with alcohol or drugs, even very minimal! I sometimes have difficulty using the word cult in describing the church because its definition is highly subjective in nature (Durocher 1999). The "kingdom" as defined by the ICC is the church today established by the apostles in approximately 33 AD. It is the New Testament church that leads you to happiness and takes care of you as long as you seek the kingdom first. Kip McKean often describes himself as the lead evangelist, stating that God planted this idea to evangelize the world. There is a disciple who assumes the role of a “judge” in your life, and determines whether or not are you doing well spiritually. The more people you bring in, and the more you submit to your discipler determines that you are growing with God. We are called constantly the chosen ones for God.

It doesn't matter what you believe in, the ICC member sets out trying to prove that the person is going to hell because he or she does not fit the definition of the scriptures selected on discipleship. I remember when I was going through this study feeling extremely frustrated with tears in my eyes. Throughout my life, I had encouraged my friends to go to church, not necessarily mine. As a result, some did attend. I was a disciple in my own terms, through those same definitions except that I wasn’t baptizing people and showing them scriptures. We spent almost three hours trying to prove that I was not a disciple! Lifton (1999) writes, “We ordinarily transcend this equation through a sense of belonging to a larger human continuity that extends beyond our finite individual lives (whether through our descendants, our works, our religious convictions, or internal nature). But during times and upheaval, that sense of human continuity is threatened by the breakdown of the belief systems that traditionally maintain it.” (p. 211). If I was not convinced, how could I then teach it to others! How can I breakdown the system of belief in another woman?

My first study was called, “The Word of God.” I was told by my Bible study leader that I had to get rid of whatever tradition I had in my life that might hinder me from pleasing God, suggesting that whatever I was doing was wrong. The second study I was involved in was the Seeking the Word study. I was challenged to find the real God. It was written in my notes that according Acts 17: 19-28; Paul saw that the men of Athens were religious, but they did not know God. I had religion in my life, but I was being indirectly told that I did not know God. My third study was The Cross, which through my years of Catholicism, I was fairly familiar with the story of Jesus Christ. I thought their aim was to tell me about his life, but in reality the intention was to create a state of strong emotional remorse. Needless to say, due to my background I had not felt any remorse. My bible study leader was surprised, and continued to ask me if I was touched by anything in the study. I told her yes, the fact that “Jesus had been separated from God in the cross.” She grabbed on to that statement.

It was followed by the study of Discipleship, and The Kingdom. The purpose of Discipleship study, at one moment I thought was to teach me what a disciple does, and how a true Christian should behave. In the Kingdom study, I was challenged to look at other churches and see if other churches were practicing what the Bible taught. I remember telling my Bible study leader, I do not have the time to really research or see whether what you are telling me is true. I didn't really have time to breath, and all my time was accounted for. Subsequently, by that time they had provided me with all the information, and she noted that I was not getting the effects that she expected. She was not seeing that I was becoming emotional, and met with me at the Maplewood Diner. I remember that night like it was yesterday, it was the first time that I did have emotion of guilt.

Until that moment, I had done the studies to seek a different perspective in the Bible. As a college graduate, I have a constant quest for knowledge and learning. As a responsible, and concerned Bible study leader, she felt that she needed to tell me that I was not behaving appropriately. She did this by telling me that I was not saved and that I was not with God. She told me that she felt that I was prideful because I walked around like God owed me his life. She assumed that because I was quiet at many times, that I was refusing to be open about my life. I remember thinking that I wasn’t in fact prideful, but I was humble. I remember thinking that I was with God, he had showed me that he listens to me, he answered my prayers, but in a matter of minutes, my thoughts were destroyed and shaken, and I began to believe what she was telling me. I began to believe that I was not saved, and I needed to do something about it quickly. I am spontaneous and driven, and I love to get things done. Once I had become convinced of the fact that what they were teaching me was real, I had made a decision that I wanted to get baptized. It was at that time when they started to prolong my baptism, because I needed to have faith and conviction. I had to go through Sin and Repentance, Light and Darkness, Denominationalism, and Counting the Cost. In addition, I had to start attending Chemical Recovery, because of my alcohol background to make the connections between the pain and the use.

Before I began the study of Sin and Repentance, I was asked to write down my sins. During this study, I was told to be ready to talk about my sins. My notes after James 5:16, “Confess your sins to one another and pray. God wants us to build relationships with each other, hold each other accountable and pray for each other. We are to help each other and encourage each other to get into heaven. We go to each other for advice. It is important to be honest, so that we can be healed.” Now I have learned that this scripture is taken out of context, and that it was more directed towards a physical sickness, when you read verse 14 and 15.

After this study, they had learned a little about my supposed sinful behavior of going to bars and getting a few drinks. I met briefly with one of the ladies who was a leader of the group, and she suggested that I should attend when I told her that I may sometimes go clubbing every other weekend. I was never addicted to alcohol, or allowed it to control my life. I had a few additional studies focused on my prideful behavior, because I refused to say that I was powerless over drugs and alcohol and I refused to see that there was a pattern in my drinking. They said that if I did not deal with it, that I could continue to do it. It is stated in my notes that “pride is stubborn, and is not eager to learn.” I was prideful because I didn’t want to admit that I was wrong.

I committed to attending CR every Sunday at one point. I had to attend CR for as long as the leaders in the group said I needed it. Only when they felt that I was ready, then I was able to stop coming. The decision was not mine, like many others. I decided to go along, because it may be my pride getting in the way of seeing the grand scheme of things. Mentioning this to my non-spiritual friends would only reinstate what I was thinking, that I wasn’t full of a pattern, and of course I was going to be hindered in my steps to my salvation. I was convinced by now that I was in the right place, I listened, and submitted, and allowed for my teachers to teach me and lead me in the way. I was determined to make one of my most important life choices, which to me was to be with God.

In my experience, I learned that the studies progressed to reveal more things about the group once I had accepted my Bible study leaders statements. I learned about the fact that there was a discipler that you had to meet every week. The intensity of the time they want with me increased. Anderson (1997) concluded that if the studies were done in reverse order it would not be as effective. If anyone was simply given the ICC list, they may have a different interpretation. The significance of many passages are distorted to accomplish explanations that are most preferable to the group.

The Mission

Anytime I had a question, or I addressed something that annoyed me, because it was being constantly repeated the same information, I was told, “Have you ever been a disciple before?” In a cult there is no room for asking questions or for making objections, thus robbing people of their critical thinking skills(Durocher 1999). I was told frequently to ask questions as to why things were done a certain way, but it really seemed to me as if the rules were set and pretty much established. I was continuously asked to state in what ways I was changing, growing, and confess daily. I never thought that I was perfect, I just simply felt comfortable where I was and sought the need for change was useless especially since it was noted by others.

I had my own reality of the facts, such as how can I make my car notes, pay my bills and do everything I wanted to do. I had to attend CR every Sunday, which did not allow me to be able to work full weekends and make the amount of money I had planned, which was already reduced with the contributions and the mission contribution. My systematic different way of working on my budget did not allow me to really trust that God will provide. I would think; doesn’t God help those who help themselves? The emphasis of the importance placed on CR, I couldn’t understand. Ultimately, I changed my schedule in order to be able to get off on Sundays, trusting that God somehow will provide me with the desires of my heart. My real self was becoming weak, depressed and frustrated while my pretended self was confused and simply conforming.

My awakening started with a phone call that I received a Tuesday morning. It had really upset me, because I remembered being warned about being legalistic. I was told that they didn’t want me to become legalistic. I was angry when I received a call Tuesday morning when she asked me to give her a number as to how many people I was reaching out too. My heart was feeling confused and hurt, I called her, and I said to her, can you please leave me a message, and let me know what was it that you were talking about in the morning, because I didn't get it. I have provided you with the message that my discipler left me on my answering machine:

"Hi....Is...., I got your message, I’m just going to talk, what we talked about this morning. But what is was that that wanted to know was, what is your goal for the event on Sunday? How many people are you focusing on to try to get there, 1, 2, 3, 4. The number of women that you think you can get to the event on Sunday, and that you are working through the week and focusing on making, getting people out. Out of this your HEART will move! Out of that a lot of questions are going to be answered about GOD! Out of that we are going to generate some studies with women to get them to learn and teach them everything that YOU have learned. Give me a goal for tonight or tomorrow and let me know where you stand? Like how many people have you spoken to, not so much spoken, but how many are committed to coming out on Sunday? That's it, what your goal is? What is going on? How many woman are you calling to get to the event on Sunday?"

It made me angry because I did not need the repetition. I thought I was saved, I thought that I understood what I needed to do. It confirmed my thought about how controlling and manipulating they are to her so in turns she does it to me. It became clear to me through conversation on Wednesday that she does not see the problem. I knew that I wanted to leave the “kingdom” Tuesday night after I began to read the history of the ICC. I began to think about myself, since I had been currently in denial. I didn’t want to believe that the life commitment I had made was based really under false promises. As a humanistic and people loving person, I couldn’t see myself leaving my new friends behind.

In addition, I noticed that in the kingdom you are not allowed to be insightful. I was a witness to this in CR ministry. A 21 year old woman was told, “Don’t make a judgment for yourself, and don’t tell yourself that you are doing okay.” They use that vulnerability to gain control. My self-esteem was torn. Now, I understood why. I was told that I’m powerless against drugs and alcohol. Now that I think about it, they were digging deep to find my faults in the fellowships of darkness and sins. I had continued to set forth with all the plans that I had for the fall semester 2001. In the next semester I was going to just take one class. I remember reducing the time that I spent in my second job, which in addition to giving me the extra money, I did enjoy. I was considering putting my life on hold because I had a great mission to start making disciples.

Recovery

My support group is basically online where there is a website called exicoc.org, and the Delphi Forums targeted for ex-members and family with current members in the ICC. Often I visit the website to laugh and relate on subjects of spirituality and feelings about the ICC. I have not actively tried to maintain an open relationships with many of the current members because I do not like the feeling that I get from talking to them at times, unless it has nothing to do with the church. I feel afraid, and uncomfortable because they continue to insist upon the fact that they are striving to be the church that is described in the Bible. Presently, I know that I will get rebuked and admonished if I returned for my actions because they were inconsistent. A member might see me as not having total commitment and being spiritually weak (since, I left the ICC). I may say that I am with God, but they do not believe it because I am no longer in the "kingdom." I was afraid for myself, because I did not know how to describe what I felt. I had two spiritual breakdowns. My inner peace was destroyed and shaken within the period of four months.

Conclusion

I am generally concerned about the abuse that is caused through the use of disciples in the kingdom. Abuse in the ICC for me stood in the fact that I was told that my life was not good enough when I felt happy, and satisfied. Up to that point in my life, I felt that I had accomplished many things. My plans and goals were reached and I met them consistently. My mom and dad, friends, family, and lovers throughout my life of interesting roller coaster rides had assured me that I was doing well. Abuse to me was to be told my life was not valuable. I had to rip myself off my personality, because my serving, friendly, and grateful attitude was prideful. I didn't deserve to think that I had God in my life already! Abuse to me was to be told that my relationships with people which never aimed to hurt anyone was not sufficient because I wasn't making disciples their way. Abuse to me was to be told that I was a weak, when all my life I had been told I was brave for going through several surgeries in the hospital, and overcoming the teasing and hating from the cruelty of other kids. Abuse to me was told that I was growing, when I was simply conforming to what I was told. Abuse to me is to tell me that my decisions are not valuable unless I run them by someone else. Abuse to me is to be told that I'm greedy for having two jobs, because I want to save money to invest in my own home in the near future with the sweat of my forehead.

My philosophy is that I'm not really in control of my life, but I'm in control of my decisions. What happens blatantly in the ICC is that if you make a decision about classes, about going somewhere, or about meeting someone and it interferes with seeking the kingdom first (Matthew 16:33), you are called independent. They make you feel guilty, and anxious about it by using scriptures in Proverbs about seeking advice. They tell you that they are going to become your friends, but once you are baptized, it is different. Some people no longer had time to even call me and told me it was now my time to give. Once you are in the studies, and do them thoroughly, you either do it, or you feel like going to hell. To the members of the ICC, you are in the darkness. It is a horrible feeling personally to think that the rest of the world is in the darkness, while you are in the light. Is does not feel good at all!

I'm grateful for realizing this early that I was being manipulated. I considered putting my career goals on hold, going to move to Florida on hold, and quitting my second job. They do not only want your 10% tithe, in addition they have a special contribution that is 10 to 14 times your weekly contribution (they claim is for churches outside of the U.S) and they do this throughout the country. Isn't that a moneymaking business! The tithe is 10% of your gross income, which at a moment I considered absurd, but I was in with God, so why continue to question.

As far as I'm concerned, I didn't loose any friends; they lost me in the ICC. I know that I can get closer to God on my own terms, and he knows best what I do. I'm feeling wounded because the acquaintances I made in the ICC are too brainwashed to hear the real reason why I left. Now, I know that in life, I will disappoint some folks, and some folks will disappoint me. What matters to me know is that I can make a positive impact in the lives of others, and share my wealth of knowledge. No one can shake my inner peace once again.

References

Anderson, D. (1997) The ICC Bible Studies: A Critical Analysis. Retrieved October 28, 2001 from http://www.reveal.org/library/theology/dandersn.html
Durocher, N. (1999) Insights from cult survivors regarding group support. British Journal of Social Work, 29, 581-599.
Lifton, R. J. (1999). Destroying the World to Save It. New York: Henry Holt Company, LLC.
Schwartz, L. L., & Kaslow, F. W. (2001). The cult phenomenon: A turn of the century update. American Journal of Family Therapy, 29, 13-22.
Singer, M. T. (1995). Cults In Our Midst. San Francisco, CA; Jossey-Bass Publishers.
Yeakley, F. R., Norton, H.W., Vizant, D. E., Vinzant, G. (1988) The Discipling Dilemma. Nashville, TN: Gospel Advocate Company. Retrieved October 23, 2001 from http://churches-of-christ.org/archive/The_Discipling_Dilemma/
Leadership Lifestyles of the International Churches of Christ. Retrieved on November 15, 2001 from http://www.newcovpub.com/icc_LeadershipLifesyles.htm

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