Have I seen you before?
I think I know you from somewhere...
Maybe it was high school.
Did you wear glasses? Were you a little odd?
Yes, I think I have seen you before...

You were always just outside the circle -
something on your mind...
but you never got the chance to say it -
or it would never sound quite right.
You rehearsed conversations at home
so it wouldn't be so difficult.
Then you wouldn't sound like such a freak.

Maybe you learned how to make them laugh.
Their laughter held you together.
They laughed and invited you,
in spite of the fact you envied them...
envied the way they seemed to flow
right through the days
with an easy grace that eluded you.
For you...each day was a mysterious ride
down a dark river.

Your one real gift seemed to be a magical ability
to fuck things up. But you found a place.
You had a room in a basement, or above a garage...
Or hunkered in a boxcar on a passing frieght train.
A time & place to be alone...
just to be real for a few hours
when you felt as delicate as a spider's web...
but alive in every cell.

Solitude was a hard-won sanctuary.

Yes, I remember you now...
You were not the handsomest one,
not 'the most likely to be' anything.
But you had something better -
a hidden, transparent diamond; a knowledge of yourself.

You remember...
We found each other in the shadows.
We shared beer and our words like inmates tasting
our first breath on the outside.
Intoxicated by unexpected freedom...
We fell into a shining trance.
You became a glimmering icon suspended in
photoflashed images upon my soul...in my bones.
You brought me into the eye of a great storm.
Your sexuality surrounded my body
in a warm opium rain...
I saw Tibetan sanctuaries and submerged
in the ocean scent of your experience.

I was the most delicious poison you had ever tasted.

You get so tired of waiting to be alive.
We can drive out of this place and destroy our histories.
Let's find an abandoned barn on an empty rise of farmland...
Help me with the kerosene...I want to forget.
We both realize the consequences of our actions.
Two matches...two perfect matches in a slight wind...

Extinguish me...annihilate this desperate longing.
Let us commune with the nobility of madness...
at the center of silent shared evenings.
You don't have to live like you do - fighting yourself...
putting up fences where they don't belong.

No, I know you. You are the dream child of a digital God.
The nights can be excruciating...and you are haunted
by the realities of blood and sacrifice.
Become the beast that gets rid of the pain of being silent.

I want to watch as you undress in a thunderstorm...
as you roll with me beneath pulsing white light.
I know you...you have been given
the mantras of the bodistavahs...you have been given
the auspicious wishes...you have been given
the delicious taste of a kindred breath
drawn in your own lungs

...a night sky laced with lightning

~lute lokahi ~

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