Monday, October 30, 2000
"The Look"
~grinning~ i am wondering, how many submissives out there know exactly the chill up the spine that comes along with "the Look." i am betting quite a few, LoL! It seems to be quite popular among the Dom'mes here 'bouts anyway... The feeling is somewhere between fear and delight, and the balance of the two seems to depend on how "bad" you were to have "earned" it in the first place...
Well, i have had an abundance of the bordering on fear kind of chills today following the weekend from hell. Let me back up a bit... i have had gallbladder pain off and on for the last couple of months now ~cringing at a glance from Mistress~ alright! pretty much constantly for about six or seven months then... well, Saturday it all came to a head and the pain woke me up out of a dead sleep and sent me packing to the ER pretty quickly for a good five hour "sit and wait." ~grumbling~ they took my blood, ran the liver function tests, weren't happy with the original values so then ran them again, twice, from the same blood, until they got values they "could" live with in order to send me home--now, it seems to me that since it was my gallbladder/liver that was hurting, there is somthing just a bit "wrong" with that, but i guess it keeps the insurance companies happy.
So, Sunday morning rolled around about two hours after i got home and i "confessed" the trip to Mistress and "discovered" rather quickly under ~The "extremely pointed" Look~ that it would have been a MUCH better idea to have called DURING the visit rather than waiting...
~hanging my head~ i am sorry Mistress, i didn't mean to worry You.
Then, Sunday night Benjamin woke up with croup so bad He damn near was not able to breathe. Talk about scary! i really thought that He might quit breathing at any point all the way to the ER. The doctor said, "Hey, don't I know you?" Geez, two nights in a row! THIS time, i did call though and Mistress was kind enough to come and sit with us for another "forever wait."
Thank You, Ma'am... it was very nice having You there.
But... because i have put off so long my "health" problems and may tend to down play them to the doctor just a tad, Mistress did me the honor of accompanying me to the followup doctor's appointment today and, ~still squirming~ proceeded to tell my doctor, who happens also to be a personal friend, about ALL of my aches and pains and habits of not eating or sleeping (BTW, nice catch, misty! ~grin~) and i ended up sitting there with BOTH of them giving me worse than "The Look" because it was accompanied by "The Dualing Lecture" (to which i was rarely invited to contribute except to perhaps dig myself in deeper, and the gleam in both of their eyes told me that they both seemed to be enjoying rather immensely having me on the spot quite literally while discussing my shortcomings) and now, as a result of said discussion i "get" to go to an entire variety of extra appointments with a surgeon and a dentist and a medication specialist... ~frown~ but, i am telling you, i honestly feel lots better and it hardly hurts at all anymore! ~pout~
And... ~humble smile~ Thank You, Mistress, for taking care of me. It is still very hard to believe that somebody cares enough for me to take the time to make me do things right. i truly appreciate Your guidance, and i am very, actually no, i am ~extremely~ lucky to be Yours. i wouldn't trade a single "Look" from You for the world.
~lovingly Yours~ *me[You]

Thursday, October 26, 2000
Thursday?? Where did Wednesday go! Damn... the weeks seem to have gained momentum on the downhill side of 2000! (oops... dang! i mean... sorry Mistress ~hopeful smile~?!)
(did anybody else notice a lack of a Wednesday this week?)
But, anyway, things are definitely looking up for me i think... Sir Benjamin's third "close to the surface" tooth finally broke through today and He is in a much better mood at any rate... he currently has one lower and now the two upper coming in. We played ~hide and seek-BOO!~ with the covers today during nap time and once He caught on He had a blast! He is just so funny when he gets to laughing... it is genuine ROFL laughter, and it is contageously great! i wish i could record it to share with you ~smile~ but then, He has been laughing since He was 2 weeks old at which time he started giggling in his sleep... what on earth does a 2-week-old baby dream, much less giggle about!??

Oh! i nearly forgot...
LoL! i wear my collar and my cuffs pretty much full time now, and have never really had anybody say anything more than "interesting necklace" to me in the six months that i have been doing this. The collar i wear is one that Mistress made and is a beautifully tooled black leather with three rings, one placed in the center and one to either side of my neck. Between the rings is a loosely draped gold chain with slave bells measuring the length, and in the center are two dangling strands of chain with bells on the ends. It is pretty elaborate and i am very proud of it ~smile~ Well, i was standing in the checkout lane the other afternoon attempting to keep Benjamin amused because He was getting cranky when he began flirting with the old woman standing behind us and she began making goo-goo faces at him, so we started a mini-conversation about babies and their merits (i couldn't think of any redeeming values myself at that point ~grinning~) All of a sudden in the middle of our conversation she burst out with, "MY that is a strange thing you are wearing on your neck!!" LoL!! So, having prepared for this circumstance a hundred times in my head, i smiled at her and said "Well, thank you! my Significant Other made it for me!" and watched the changes in her face as that sunk in and what she actually said was "Oh! how nice!" as she reached out to touch my arm with a small smile, but i could tell she was thinking "OMG! You poor brave dear! I feel so sorry for you... couldn't you have taken it off in the car or something???" ROFL!

Tuesday, October 24, 2000
Whew... am i ever glad that 'wave' of fear and doubt is over! Ick!!
And, i just wanted to let you all know that i feel much better this morning. The support that i have received in the last day or so
has been wonderful and is also a bit humbling.
i had no idea anyone was "listening"
~touched blush~
Thank you.

Monday, October 23, 2000
This weekend was hard for me... it was the first munch i have been to in over a year when Mistress was not able to attend, and i almost couldn't go in. It is pretty silly, really... for the first time in forever i actually felt insecure about myself and who i am. Unfortunately, that seems to have opened an entire floodgate of self-doubt. Today i couldn't even tell you with any confidence that i am capable of being submissive, much less a slave... but i guess i am hoping that my future "acheivements" will mean more to me having had a set back or two... but, what if i honestly have been lying not only to myself about my feelings, which would be bad enough, but to Mistress as well? ...it is too much to think about! i think i would die of guilt and know that it would cost me my collar, and that would kill me!

Sunday, October 22, 2000
i guess my "attention" level is showing... i meant to make regular notes here and somehow it seems that two weeks have escaped since my last note! It has been a rough week for me overall, i am trying to step up my work production and am following a schedule, which is something totally new to me... suffice to say, it has not been easy!
~smiling at Mistress~

Two years ago tomorrow marks the beginning of this leg of my journey in life. That is the day i lost my baby, Woody, during the fifth month of pregancy to an umbilical cord accident. If i hadn't had these desires, and if i hadn't stumbled upon and started exploring my way through the BDSM sections of the internet over the next couple of days, i seriously do not believe that i would have survived that loss emotionally.

The "awakening" overcame the grief, and i began to grow in leaps in bounds. i was lucky enough not only to discover that my cravings had a name... but there was a group of people within 10 miles of me who held monthly functions and had a community list on the internet that i subscribed to, and i was immediately welcomed when i joined it... as i started to watch their interaction with one another on the list and began to communicate with a few of them privately, i began to understand about base honesty, trust and respect. These people, whom i had never met in person, were the most honest, respectful people i had ever met. They accepted me, they listened to me, heard my fears and somehow even got me to confront my inner desires. And, instead of making fun of me and pointing fingers, they welcomed me. And it felt better than good, it felt right. ~grinning~ and the rest is history!

And, since i can't say it out loud anywhere else... Happy birthday, Woody... i love and miss you.

October 10, 2000
i think there is something seriously wrong with me... i woke up this morning with an incredible urge to learn to play the piano... like i need yet another time consuming thing in my life!!! i must be crazy!!! :::making a note to call my psychiatrist::: ~grinning~

October 9, 2000
LoL! Benjamin threw a high-chair temper tantrum for the first time and i am afraid that we were so surprised and it was so funny instead of getting after him we all just sat and laughed... but i promise it will be corrected the next time ~grin~ i made a hamburger/noodle goulash type thing for dinner and put his in a bowl. He sat in his high chair near between the rocking chair where ben was sitting and the couch where i was sitting and i gave him a spoon to try to use... it was the first time i have given him one without maintaining most of the control... and he was delighted and was having a great time hitting the bowl with it and the tray and whatever else he could and it was just wonderful noise mom! between sucking on the spoon (without any food on it of course) and we were trying to talk so finally i asked Franklin to get the spoon from him so that he would settle and eat... Franklin walked up to the tray and said, Benjamin, can i have that? and benjamin showed it to him and franklin slipped it out of his hand and walked towards the kitchen with it (ROFLMAO) and benjamin turned and looked at me to see if i had noticed the FrankenBrother stealing his spoon and what was i going to do about it and he had this look of abject HORROR on his face and Hahahahahaaaa... His face kind of dissolved into an "I am very sad because i have lost my best spoon friend VS. DAMN! i am pissed because it was stolen right out of my hand" sobbing wail and he screamed and threw out his hands to slap them on the tray and actually accidentally pushed the bowl over the front and it was just hilarious... Hehehhehee... i thought about getting after him but i just couldn't this time, especially not when we were all sitting there laughing. His face was so funny! I did manage to exclaim "Benjamin!" but we ended up giving him the spoon back and just putting the food directly on the tray so that there wouldn't be any more clinking ~grin~

October 8, 2000
At the moment, as i try to catch up with all of these damned ideas floating about in my head i begin to wonder if i truly have gone insane because i don't think there is EVER going to be a way to do the things i would like to have done here already!!
~smile~
nasti[MzR]

This is an ongoing work, please stop in and see "me" once in a while!
~smile~

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