Dedication: This is for someone special. I'm not mentioning any names. :-)
Author's Note: I am in an extremely good mood. I had a wonderful date last night, the first good date since the divorce. And I had a great meal out today and all in all I'm in a very good place. And I think that definitely affects my story writing. So enjoy this installation!
Just to let you know, this thing is probably going to be huge. I have big, big plans for this story...



Beyond Repent



So I'm a Death Eater. All in all, not a bad life at all. There are worse, I can imagine. Being a leech maybe, or a dung beetle. Or a Dementor, that looks like a pretty shitty life. I get to live n splendor, I can order people around, and I'm appreciated. I'm completely removed from all goings on, save in a detached and businesslike manner. I move figures on boards. I draw formations. It's not like I actually *do* anything.

Like now. Okay, I know in a vague sense that I am again effectively killing off a ton of Dumbledore's people. But the scary thing is, I'm becoming okay with it. I probably know half of the people who I'm killing, but I don't see it, I don't hear about it, it's not real. Not to me at least. I'm detached. And it's a beautiful thing.


And they like me here. Fucked up as that sounds, they really actually like me here. A lot. The go out of their way to include me, not that that's a good thing. I'm always bumping into people I went to school with. Hell, Crabbe and Goyle or as much my lackeys as they are Draco's.


There's another thing. We're always clumped together now. Ron and Draco. We're officially a couple. It can be annoying as hell, especially when I'll be in the middle of a strategy session, and all of a sudden Lucius pops up with:

"And how are you and my son doing?"


I want to strangle him when he asks me that. We're doing fine. What does he want me to say? Oh, yes sir, I'm passionately in love with him and would do anything for him. Sorry, that just isn't the way it is. I do care about him, in a weird way, but I don't love him. I wish I did, it would make things so much easier.


He's too much of a brat to love. And he's pissed that I get more credit then he does. But he doesn't *do* anything! He supports. Well good for him. As far as I can tell, he lounges around looking pretty. Which is something he's damn good at. I do a lot for Voldemort. Hell, I'm winning his fucking war for him.


Again, surreal. I'm winning the war...for the bad guys. But I'm a bad guy. But I'm not really a bad guy. I'm just me. And I'm doing what I do best. Did they ever ask for my help? Not really. Spy.
Always spying.


I'm not that far gone, because I haven't turned in any of their spies. And I'm tempted to. Especially when I ran into Snape the other day. I was walking with Lucius, talking about something or other. Nothing relevant to the war, just chit chat. And there he was, in the hallway.


Oh, the look he gave me! He was trying to kill me dead with his eyes, I swear to god. I just grinned at him. I'll admit, I took a sort of sick pleasure from it. Look at me now, Snape. You did this. You were supposed to rescue me, and you didn't. But thank you, I'm doing better then ever now. He just glared and swept by, and Lucius asked me what that was all about, and I just shrugged. Passed it off as he'd always hated me. Nothing new.


I do sometimes worry about my family. I hope they're okay. I wish I could do something, offer them some sort of protection, but I don't have enough influence yet. Not for all of them. I know I can help them a little, eventually. Lucius told me as much. When Voldemort favors you, he's willing to do you favors. That's how Draco got me out of my cell.


Yeah, I found out how that worked. Draco had to make a few sacrifices for me, though what they were no one will tell me. He sure as hell won't, just tells me to not worry about it. I want to know though.


I just keep doing as I'm asked. And it's not like I do it every day, it's maybe once a week. Twice at most. The war's at a lull. It's not winding down any, but it's at a lull. Which is fine by me, all the more time to endear myself to Lucius and Voldemort.


Lucius and I actually get along very well. He's a very smart man. I've actually found myself with a healthy dose of respect for him. He's a quick thinker, he's damn good at smoothing over little arguments, and he loves his son more then anything. I swear I spend more time with him then I do with Draco.


Draco and I don't actually *talk* all that much. We have incredible, mind shattering sex, but we rarely talk. We try, but it usually ends in an argument. We've both got tempers. But then after arguing we have that awesome sex, so it's okay.


He's pretty submissive, which surprises me. But it's not a problem, I sure as hell don't mind being on top. Every so often Lucius requests my presence in his bed, but I've never said yes. He understands, which makes it all right. He's my...he's Draco's father. If he wanted to join in again, fine. But I'm not going to sleep with him. It wouldn't be fair to Draco.


The only person I really can't say no to is Voldemort. And he's never asked, I've never offered. I don't want to. I'm fine just working *for* him, not under him.


I'm all finished with my diagram, and I give it to Voldemort. He smiles, and nods, and thanks me. Tells me to take it easy, enjoy myself a bit, the weather's quite nice, maybe Draco and I should go out for a bit.


Go out for a bit. We don't go out. But it is a nice day, the warm weather here at last. I decide to find Draco anyway, see what he's up to.


As it turns out, he's not up to much. He's with his father, and they're talking about diplomacy. There's something ridiculously absurd about these people being diplomats. But then it makes perfect sense. Lucius is always the one who settles those little feuds that always come up among any large number of people. And now he's passing that skill on to Draco. The little snit looks bored though, so I figure I'll rescue him.


"Draco...hate to interrupt, but we need to talk." I make it sound all important. They know I've just come from Voldemort, so Lucius immediately stands up and tells us he'll give us our space.


"What?" Draco asks, all scared as soon as his father's gone. All the color (what little there is) drains right out of his face. I laugh.


"Nothing. You just looked like you were ready to fall asleep. I figured I'd give you an out."


"Oh." He glares at me. "You could have done it better."


"Naw, I liked the look on your face. Come on, let's go outside. I hate being cooped up in here." I just grab his arm and drag him. It's bright and sunny outside, and the grass is really green. Almost unnaturally green. It's sort of creepy .


"Let's make love in the grass." Draco says, pulling me really close up against him.


"Outside? There's bugs and shit on the ground." I squeeze him, and look around the grounds. They're immense. We're talking pond, trees, animals...I swear there's a private hunting ground over the hills. Yes, hills.


"You're an arse." Draco snaps at me. What is it with him and his damn mood swings?


"I'm not any different then I was yesterday." I just give him a look.


"You've changed." He folds his arms, pulling out of my grip. "Ever since you started working for them, you've become...different."


"Well, yeah." That's sort of a given. No one stays the same. We can't. We can't allow ourselves too.We have to bend, or we break.


"Don't you regret it?" He's got the taunting voice. What the hell have I done to piss him off now? He hasn't used this voice on me since we were in school.


"No." Blatant lie.


"What about all your friends, hmm? Ever wonder where they are, what happened to them? What they'd think...?"


"Shut up, Draco." I don't want to take this from him. I don't want to deal with this.


"Oh come now...you have to wonder about it. Think at the look on Potters face, when he found out...his beloved little Weasel, a Death Eater...a dark mastermind..."


"Shut up!" I'm not going to have this conversation. And what the hell would he know about any of it? He was raised for this.


"Make me!"


The little bastard. He's getting me all worked up, and he know's I'm not going to hit him. I want to though, I really want to. Ah, what the hell?


"What the fuck?" He glares at me, holding his nose. Its bleeding. He's angry and hurt and a little scared. And I'm ashamed at myself. I lost control. Not really. But I shouldn't have hit him.


"Sorry." I pull his hands away. I think I broke his nose Well, I can fix it fine and I do. And he's still glaring at me. What else can I say? I apologized.


"You hit me."


I reach out for him, and he pulls back. Why does he have to be such a drama queen.


"Look, I said I was sorry. But for merlins sake, you did deserve it."


"For what? For being honest?" He gives this little indignant sniff. "I know the death tolls, you know. I've never shared them with you..."


"And you're not going to." Now there's some panic in my voice. I don't want to know. I can't know. He has to know I can't know...


"Not now."


Not now. He's found his damn chip and he's going to use it. He's got power over me again. Why he's pulling all this, I have no idea. And he's probably not going to tell me.


"Not ever. Draco, this isn't something to fuck around with..."


"And neither am I!" His eyes are sort of blazing now, and he's really worked up. What is he talking about? I ask him as much, and he lets out this really strained laugh.


"Do you think I'm stupid? Do you really? I know why you're with me, and I don't appreciate it."


"Um....okay." Now I'm really confused.


"You have no idea what I'm talking about." He sighs, giving me that -you're-very-stupid look. "I know you're just with me to make yourself feel better. You don't give a damn about me."


"That's not true." Where the hell does he get off saying something like that? I do care about him. A little. Okay, maybe not as much as I should, but I do. "I care about you."


"You care more about yourself."


"So do you!" He has no right to call me self centered! He's the damn prince of egotism!


"But I'm like that! You aren't! Power's going to your head, Weasley, and it's not a pretty sight."


"Nothing is going to my head." What the hell is he going on about? He has the whole fucking situation all wrong. "Draco...come here..." I put my arms around him, and he looks away, but he stays there. "I care about you. If I didn't, I'd be screwing around on you. Which I've had plenty of opportunity to. But I don't. I'm with you. Because I care about you."


"Keep telling yourself that." Snide. He's got his head on my shoulder now, though.


"Here." I lift up his chin, and I kiss him, and it's a real kiss. It's a kiss for the sake of a kiss, which I don't think we've ever done before. There's nothing behind it, no ulterior motive, no need to be in control. It's just a kiss. "Don't do this, okay?"


"Then stop using me."


"I'm....fine." Its just easier to agree with him. I kiss him again, and I lay him down in the grass. We make love, and for the first time that's what it really is. I'm gentle with him, and he actually responds to it. It's sort of slow and easy, but it's still damn good. The grass tickles, and I don't actually see any bugs so it's okay. And no one finds us. That's even better. It lasts a damn long time too. I think it's the longest we've ever spent on foreplay. I enjoy myself just kissing every inch of him. He's a sight to see, lying naked in that green grass. Like a diamond, or opal, or some other really pale jewel. And he trembles under me, and lets out these little sighs that I've never heard before. I like them, though.


Now we're just lying here, all tangled up together. Why did he have to bring up all that shit, earlier? I try really hard not to think about it, but sometimes...


Sometimes I ask myself what the hell I'm doing here. Half of me wants to just run. Run back to Harry and all the rest, but I can't. I'm in too deep. And I'd miss Draco. I'd miss his taste, and his temper, and those little sighs. Sure, I'd get over it, but...


Damn me. Damn me to whatever hells lay beneath our feet. Or above us. Or wherever hell actually is. Because I know that's where I'm going...