Untitled

by Jay Blazek Crossley

(I hate it when people title poems, "untitled")

I've found myself unable to smile
I've found myself unable to frown
I've found myself waiting for happiness
I've found myself revelling in depression
I've got to be me
I can't be the smart kid you want me  to be
I can't carry responsibility
I can't not smoke
I can't not drink
I can't not be lazy
I can't not be tired and ambitionless
I can't live for anyone else
I'm not gonna waste my life
I'm gonna die today
and I'll die tomorrow
and everyday from now on
until I am born again

I've found minute pleasure staying up all night
and falling asleep in Mr. Dorsey's class
I like Mr. Dorsey
but I have to stay up at night
I need it
I'm egocentric and self-motivated to be selfish
I'm an asshole
I'm an outcast
I'm a wanna-be artist, living in an industrial, living-dead society
I drink coffee
Coffee is a stimulant
Coffee is a drug
Coffee is a lifestyle
Coffee is a distractor
All I have to look forward to is a warm, comfortable coffin
And the tingly, tickle feeling of worms crawling in my eye sockets and out my nose
I must learn to love death before I can live
I must forget all of you before I can remember myself
I must live
I must die
The world oozes on

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Questions, Comments, and Complaints: jcrossley@mail.utexas.edu