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On your way home you take a right and three lefts then you see two men in masks.
Who are those men?
They are the umpire and the catcher.
What do you get when you cross Pikachu with Exeggcute?
Fried Eggs!
Why do bees have sticky hair?
They use honeycombs.
What could you call the small rivers that flow into the Nile?
Juveniles.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
What kind of flower do you have between your nose and your chin?
Tulips.
What's the best or fastest way to tune a banjo?
With wirecutters.
What is the best way to keep food bills down?
Use a paperweight!
What tools do you need in math class?
Multi-Pliers
What happens when the Queen burps?
She issues a royal pardon.
What did Billy say after he learned how to count money?
"It all makes cents now!"
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you?
A stick
(They're all sticks to me!)
What did the the tie say to the hat?
You go on a head, I'll just hang around.
What Question must you always answer yes to?
What does Y-E-S spell?
What do you call a bear without an ear?
B
What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny
What do you call a Penguin in the desert?
Lost
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idear
What do snowmen have for breakfast?
Snowflakes
What do you call cheese that's not your cheese?
Nacho cheese!
What do you call a country, where all the cars in it are pink?
A pink carnation.
What's worse than having a worm in your apple?
Taking a bite and finding a half of a worm in the apple!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Elifino! (Hell if I know)
What's the difference between a a love story reader and a farmer?
One reads it and weeps, the other weeds it and reaps.
What goes up and down but never moves?
Stairs.
What building has the most stories?
The library.
What mostly don't you hear in school?
The H.
What can you find in the middle of nowhere?
The letter H.
What is at the end of everything?
The letter G.
What is the center of gravity?
The letter V.
What is a scarecrows favorite food?
Strawberries.
What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a ghost?
Cockapoodleboo!
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. All the rest are weak days!
What TV show uses the most Toilet Paper?
Jeopardy, Doo Doo Doo Doo...
What does an envelope say when you lick it?
Nothing. It just shuts up.
What happened at a fight in the candy store?
Two suckers got licked!
What's the kindest vegetable?
A sweet potato.
What happened when a fosset, egg, and a lettuce ran a race?
Well, the egg got beat, the lettuce was a head, and the fosset was still running!
What do you get if you play a country music song backwards?
You get your wife, dog, truck, and job back.
What do you call it when someone puts a clock on his belt?
A waist of time!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
What kinds of keys can't open a door?
A Turkey, Donkey, or a Monkey.
What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A nervous wreck.
What kind of animal cleans the sea?
A mermaid!
What did Delaware when Mississippi lent Missouri her New Jersey?
I don't know, Alaska.
What has wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What did Cinderella say while she was waiting for her photos?
Some day my prints (prince) will come.
What did the Teddy Bear say when he was offered desert?
No thanks, I'm stuffed.
What are good names for identical twin boys?
Pete and Repeat.
What made the laundry turn green?
It got seasick from going round and round!
What did zero say to eight?
"Nice belt!"
What spells 4 and has 3 letters?
FOR
What is part pig and part tree?
A "Porky Pine".
What is big, white, gives milk, and has one horn?
A milk truck.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, it won't come.
In what school do you learn how to greet people?
In hi school!
What do snakes do after they fight?
They hiss and make up.
What is the longest word in the world?
Smiles or Smiled.
There is a mile between the first and last word.
What time is it when the clock strikes 13?
Time to get a new clock!
What is the best material for kites?
Fly paper.
What is the best thing to use if you itch?
Scratch paper.
What is a name for a phone system in Mexico?
Taco Bell.
What kind of robbery is least dangerous?
A safe robbery.
What Christmas song is this: ABCDEFGHIJK MNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
No L! (noel)
What's the best month for a parade?
March!
If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
Missletoe
If there's H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?
K9P
Is being a telephone operator a business or a profession?
It is more like a calling.
Do teenagers age fast?
No, but sometimes their parents do!
Which dog can jump higher than a building?
Any dog, buildings can't jump!
Which one is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Which city hatched in Illinois?
Chick -ago
In which battle was Admiral Lord Nelson killed?
His last one.
Which kind of bird picks up heavy things?
A crane!
When is rabbit soup not good?
When there's a hare in it!
Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
To the retail store.
Where do broken ships go?
To the dock.
Where did the butcher dance?
At the meatball!
Where did the king keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
Where do snowmen keep their money?
In a snowbank.
Where do sheep get a hair cut?
At the baa baa shop!
Where can you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow weigh a pie.
Why does Snoopy want to quit the comic strip?
He's tired of working for "peanuts"!
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.
Why isn't your nose twelve inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems.
Why did the doctor tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Why did they put a fence around the cemetery?
People were dying to get in!
Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they don't know the words!
Why are chef's mean?
Because they beat the eggs, mash the potatoes and whip the cream!
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with!
Why do Gorillas have big fingers?
Because they have big nostrils!
Why does a giraffe eat so little?
Because little goes a long way!
Why did the mexican throw his wife out the window?
He wanted tequila.
Why did the lady miss her husband?
Because she never shot a gun before!
Why did Mickey Mouse get shot?
Because Donald Ducked!
Why did the FBI arrest Santa?
Because he was out all night sleighing.
Why did the basket ball floor get wet?
The players dribbled on it.
Why did the man take off his door bell?
He wanted to win the NoBell prize!
Why did the moron go to the dressing room?
To change his mind!
Why did the red light turn red?
You would too if people watched you change!
Why did the jelly roll?
Because he saw the apple turnover.
Why do surgins wear masks?
If somebody makes a mistake nobody will know who did it.
Why do parents know best?
Because they made the same mistakes before!
Why is it possible to see through preachers?
They are holy.
Why is Cinderella such a bad baseball player?
Because she has a pumpkin for a coach. And...
Because she ran away from the ball.
Why did the old house see the doctor?
Because it had window pains.
Why were the little ink drops crying?
Because papa was in the pen and no one knew how long the sentence would be.
Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea weed.
(Think about it)
Why is an island like the letter "T"?
It is in the middle of "waTer".
Why is an empty room like a room full of married people?
There isn't a single person in it.
Why is Piglet so nasty?
Because he plays with Pooh!
Why did the girl run outside with her purse open?
She heard there was going to be some change in the weather.
Why wouldn't the Energizer Bunny come out of the bathroom?
Because he kept goin' and goin' and goin'!
Why didn't the skeleton cross the busy street?
Because he had lost his nerves. And...
Because he had no guts!
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the dirt,
and cross the road again?
Because he was a dirty double crosser.
Why aren't elephant's allowed on the beach?
They always have their trunks down!
Why was ten afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine and he was next in line.
Why are mountain climbers curious?
They always want to take another peak.
Since he lost his hair, why is Mr. Timothy More like an American City?
Because he is "Bald Tim More"!
How can you tell who is Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?
He has sesame seed buns.
How many cockroaches does it take to screw on a lightbulb?
Can't tell. As soon as the light comes on, they scatter!
How do you get on t.v.?
Sit on it.
How much did the pirate pay for his earrings?
A bucaneer.
How many penguins does it take to fly an airplane?
None. Penguins can't fly!
How many letters are in the alphabet?
Really 26, but 24, since E.T. went home.
How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put a little bugee in it!
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it!
How do you make "nor do we" into one word?
ONE WORD
How do you make 7 even?
Take away the S!
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Take it's chair away.
How do you catch an elephant?
Dig a hole, fill it with ashes, surround it by peas.
When he comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.
How do you keep a rhino from charging?
Take away his credit card.
How do really small people call each other?
On microphones.
How did a boy that was failing every subject get to high school anyway?
He rode the bus.
How did the carpenter break his teeth?
He chewed his nails.
How can you cut the sea in two?
With a seasaw.
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