Dateline: November 1, 2000
FOR KIDS ONLY! GOVERNOR BUSH’S GREAT BIG
PICTURE BOOK OF THAT DUMB ELECTION IS SO OVER, NOW I AM WAY TOTALLY HAPPY THAT I AM PRESIDENT AND STUFF
(Note: Today’s column was written by our extra-special correspondent Texas Governor George W.
Bush, and translated into English by a team of the nation’s crack forensic linguists at M.I.T.)
Oo-ee. Don’t mess with Texas.
Hello there, Real People. It is I, Texas Governor George W. Bush. I run for
President. See me run. Run, W., run. This is what happened to me today. Don’t
worry. I have a lot of pictures. The pictures tell my story.
|
|
I wanted crab cakes for lunch. This dumb fish seller guy does not sell crab cakes. He said have this dumb fish instead. I had the Texas Rangers rough him up.
| |
Today I am way totally happier than I have ever been way totally happy. Why? That dumb election is over! Karl thinks it is a secret that that dumb election is way totally I mean really for truly over. Karl thinks I was taking a nap when he told Daddy. I was not taking a nap. I was wasted on Zima.
Karl said to Daddy that dumb election is way totally over. Karl said to Daddy they have Florida sewn up. Karl said to Daddy they have California, Wisconsin, Illinois, Pennsylvania and New York. Karl said to Daddy show me some other way to make it work, and I’ll make it work.
Karl said to Daddy how can we buck campaign finance reform now? Karl said to Daddy they accepted spending limits and we didn’t. Karl said to Daddy they didn’t take PAC money and we did. Karl said to Daddy we outspent them two to one. Karl said to Daddy they stuck to the issues and we stuck to smoke and mirrors. Karl said to Daddy they ran a clean campaign and we ran on dirty tricks. Karl said to Daddy they had the media at their throats and we got a free pass. Karl said to Daddy and they still skunked us!
Karl said to Daddy now pinhead’s dropping in the popular, too. Karl said to Daddy now we can’t even use the emergency backup end run around the Constitution, like we planned. Karl said to Daddy is it my fault your kid is a braindead inbred Nazi coke snorting booze hound?
Daddy said the election is way totally over.
I am so way totally glad I am President now. That dumb election totally sucked.
Here is my list of things about that way dumb election that I will so totally never, ever miss, like not in a gazillion years now that I’m President and stuff. Don’t worry. There are plenty of pictures. The pictures tell the story.
|
|
Airports suck.
| |
Now that I am President and stuff, I will so totally not miss airports.
Airports suck. You have to learn new soundbytes before you go to the airport. You can’t get blasted on Zima before you go to the airport. You can’t toot up to clear your head before you go to the airport.
You have to walk down way long bunches of stairs without falling on your ass. And what is at the bottom? Smelly old Real People. What a complete and total gyp!
|
|
In this picture Karl tells me to say, "Hi, my name is Texas Governor George W. Bush." Duh!
| |
Now that I am President and stuff, I will so totally not miss Karl either.
Karl was always telling me what to say in airports. Karl was always telling me what to say on TV. Karl was always telling me what to say to dumb foreign leader guys.
Did he think I'm like way totally dumb or something?
I will so not miss Karl. Not ever.
|
|
These assholes throw stuff everywhere. I'm glad I don't have to clean it up. Ha, ha!
| |
Now that I am President and stuff, I will so totally not miss that dumb Nader guy.
He thinks he is like totally my best friend now.
He thinks his old best friends still like him.
He is in for a way big surprise, now that I am President and stuff.
|
|
This is that dumb Gore guy. I don't know who this other asshole is.
| |
Now that I am President and stuff, I will so totally not miss that dumb Gore guy.
He was way mean to me. He said "How do you pay for your social security plan?" He said "Why don’t you be nice to broads and colored people and spics and Jews and biological deviants?" He said "Why don’t you be nice to trees? Why don’t you be nice to caribou?" He said "Why don’t you say no to the soft money guys?"
Duh!
That dumb Gore guy is so dumb!!
|
|
I will be so totally happy to never see this dumb picture again. Kissing your own wife is way boring.
| |
This is what I will really so way totally never ever miss about that dumb Gore guy.
He was always kissing his wife. Always.
I, Texas Governor George W. Bush do not kiss my wife, Mrs. Texas Governor George W. Bush. I, Texas Governor George W. Bush, do not kiss anybody unless it’s a photo op. Kissing is for tree-hugging, pansy-assed fruits. Unless it’s a photo op.
A way long time ago, I thought this dumb kiss was a photo op. Karl told me it was a photo op. Daddy told me it was a photo op. Jeb told me it was a photo op. My wife, Mrs. Texas Governor George W. Bush told me it was not a photo op.
Then she cried.
Way hard.
Then she locked me outside of my house.
Me! Texas Governor George W. Bush!
It’s a good thing I was blitzed on Zima. If I wasn’t sloshed, I might not have been able to go to sleep on the driveway. Sleeping on the driveway is not easy when I am not wasted.
I think there’s something way totally wrong with that dumb Gore guy.
|
|
The only thing that sucks way worse than airports is Real People. Now that I am President and stuff, I will tell the Texas Rangers "Don't let any Real People in the White House".
| |
That dumb Gore guy was always saying "Be nice to Real People".
Real People suck.
Real People smell. Real People dress funny. Real People look way too much like broads and colored folks and spics and Jews and biological deviants. Real People never shut up about caribou and trees and babies. Bor-ring!
Real People can’t get into Heaven.
I, Texas Governor George W. Bush, am going to Heaven.
Why should I be nice to anybody who can’t get into Heaven?
Now that I am President and stuff, I am not going to be nice to anybody unless I have to.
|
|
This Cunningham Strikes guy cartoon is way funny. This dumb kid doesn't know you play Donkey Kong on a computer! Jimmy taught me Donkey Kong on my computer like forever ago! This dumb kid must be a tree-hugging, pansy-assed fruit!
| |
Now that I am like President and stuff, I am going to do something about assholes with way too much freedom. Especially Internet assholes with way too much freedom.
It will be way funny to get back at everybody on my list.
My list is like a total secret.
Nobody will know if they are on my list until I get back at them.
Won’t that be way totally funny?
Hey, Ralph W. NaderBush!!
The rest of America says:
"IT'S THE SUPREME COURT, STUPID!!"
SHOULD RALPH W. NADERBUSH GET A FREE RIDE
FROM THE RAINFOREST ACTION NETWORK?
Call the Rainforest Action Network and ask them
why they aren't publicly hassling Ralph Nader
the same way they are attacking Al Gore!
Rainforest Action Network Media Contacts:
Lauren Sullivan, Rainforest Action Network, cellular: 415-305-7246
or: Atossa Soltani, Amazon Watch, 202-256-9795
Kim Foster, Boston Rainforest Action Group, 617-308-4530
Rainforest Action Group:
221 Pine Street Suite 500
San Francisco, CA 94104 U.S.A
Tel: (415) 398-4404 / rainforest@ran.org / Fax: (415) 398-2732
Amazon Watch:
115 S. Topanga Canyon Blvd. Suite E
Topanga, Ca. USA 90290
Tel (310) 455-0617 / amazon@amazonwatch.org / Fax (310) 455-0619
LIVE IN LOS ANGELES COUNTY?
NOW YOU CAN VOTE EARLY -- WITH TOUCHSCREEN VOTING
Vote early by computer! You know Al would!
Click here for one of the best ideas I've seen in a long time!
The Fine Folks At Occidental Petroleum Remind You That They've Already Sunk A Ton Of Money Into This Election, So If You Must Vote, Vote For Their Guys.
Or Else.
Read yesterday's Flapdoodle!
Read tomorrow's Flapdoodle!
Talk To The Possum!
Return To Possum County!
THE REVIEWS ARE IN!!
Thanks to Kevin@Cunninghamstrikes.com - - King Of The Phototoon!!
"If You Don't Know About Cunninghamstrikes.com - -
You don't know Smirk About Comedy!"
EVERYONE SHOULD READ, POST AND EMAIL THIS PAGE TO EVERYONE THEY KNOW.
Help save America from Bush! Click below to learn how!
We at the Daily Flapdoodle don’t know if this is legitimate or not, but if it is,
it restores our faith in Republicans.
