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Serving America - One Possum At A Time! |
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Serving America - One Possum At A Time! |
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Hello, Real Hellish Minions. It is I, Satan -- running mate of Texas Governor George W. Bush.WHEN I SAID:
"And I, too, want to avoid any personal attacks. I promise not to bring up your singing."
I MEANT:
I hate musicals and fear their awesome power to transform the world by their unconditional love. Few mortals realize it, but the lack of original screen musicals is a sign of my ascendancy in the upper world. Think about it. The same people who hate Barbara Streisand think that George W. Bush would make a great President.
WHEN I SAID:
"And we want to insist on high standards. One of the worst things we can do is fail to establish high standards, in effect to say to a youngster, because of their ethnic background or their income level, we don't have the same kind of expectations from you that we have for everybody else."
I MEANT:
Bush and I will not spend dime one on education unless White People are directly involved. And then, only grudgingly. We will tell any child whose school cannot afford textbooks that it’s the child’s own damn fault for flunking our manditory tests. With any luck, the emotional scars will last an entire lifetime, leading from failure to failure to failure.
WHEN I SAID:
"We want to emphasize local controls, so that the people here in Danville, Kentucky, decide what's best for their kids."
I MEANT:
We know damn well that parents are outnumbered in every election, which is why you can’t pass a school bond to save your life. We want to capitalize on the desperation that engenders in lower and middle class parents by privatizing what’s left of the public school system, strip mining all the cash out of it, then vanishing into thin air.
WHEN I SAID:
"And if you look at our proposal, we take half of the projected surplus and set it aside for Social Security, over $2.4 trillion. We take roughly a fourth of it these other key programs we want to support, and we take roughly one-fourth of it and return it, in the form of a tax cut, to the American taxpayer."
I MEANT:
Screw Social Security. I don’t need it. We are going to gut Social Security just so WE can make a killing in the market. You will loose your shirt. Have fun collecting tin cans for food money, you old geezers. Me, I’m going to buy another castle with my huge "special plunderers bracket" tax refund I’ve built into the budget.
WHEN I SAID:
"If you look, frankly, by our numbers and the numbers of the Senate Budget Committee, which has totaled up all the promises that Vice President Gore has made during the course of the campaign, they are some $900 billion in spending over and above that projected surplus already, and we still have a month to go in the campaign."
I MEANT:
The Republican Junta on Senate Budget committee hates Al Gore worse than I do. His lousy little one vote passed the administration’s 1993 budget that we said would destroy America. Said? Hell, we screamed it until our voices broke. Well, that stupid budget hasn’t destroyed America so now everybody with an "R" after their name looks like a total idiot. But our fuzzy-Washington-math-cooked-up numbers sound really scary, don’t they? Me, I wouldn’t trust that bunch of assholes on the Senate Budget Committee as far as I could spit. And I’m Satan.
WHEN I SAID:
"Bernie, I certainly share the view we ought to have equal pay for equal work of someone's gender, and we've major progress in recent years. I think we've still got a ways to go.
But I also think it's not just about the differential with respect to women. If you look, for example, at our opponents' tax proposal… "
I MEANT:
The last thing we would ever do is create some kind of civil rights legislation – just for broads!! I think those bimbos should be kept barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen!
WHEN I SAID:
"Bernie, you have to be a CPA to understand what he just said. The fact of the matter is that the plan is so complex that an ordinary American's never going to be able to figure out what they even qualify for."
I MEANT:
One of the things I admired about Nazi Germany was their ability to create anti-intellectual resentment and then mold into full blown race hatred. I think America needs a good old fashioned book burning. And a few work camps full of work-shy, tree-hugging, pansy-assed fruits like Gore and Lieberman wouldn’t hurt.
WHEN I SAID:
"With respect to the RU-486 proposal, at this stage, I haven't looked in particular at that particular piece of legislation. Governor Bush made it clear the other night that he did not anticipate that he would be able to go in and direct the FDA to reverse course on that particular issue, primarily because they say the decision they made was on the efficacy of the drug, not the question of whether or not we supported abortion."
I MEANT:
See the "barefoot and pregnant" stuff above. And if you don’t like it, there’s still room in the camps. There will always be room in the camps. That’s a promise to you from me, Satan.
WHEN I SAID:
" …there are places where we think we ought to go forward and develop those resources. The Arctic National Wildlife Reserve is one of them. It's on the North Slope. It's right next to Prudhoe Bay. The infrastructure is there to be able to deliver that product to market. We think we can do it, today's technology, in a way that will not damage the environment, will not permanently mar the countryside at all."
I MEANT:
I can practically taste the kickbacks now. Screw the caribou! Let’s drill!!
WHEN I SAID:
"I've watched George Bush. And one of the reasons I was eager to sign on when he asked me to become his running mate is because I've been so tremendously impressed with what he's done as the governor of Texas."
I MEANT:
Yes, Texas truly is a Hell on earth now. And I can’t wait until Dubya runs the rest of the country into the ground. As soon as he wrecks the American economy, the rest of the world will be plunged into a new Dark Age. And you can kiss those polar ice caps good-bye.
WHEN I SAID:
"With all due respect, Joe, there is just an awful lot of evidence that there has not been any bipartisan leadership out of this administration or out of Al Gore."
I MEANT:
I am still pissed off that the Republican coup d’etat attempt failed so miserably. We didn’t spend $52 million trying to get the courts to overthrow Clinton just so that goody-two-shoes-mega-brain Gore could complete his little hydrogen powered car project while eliminating the deficit. If Gore eliminates the deficit, what will we have to complain about?? We will do anything in our power to destroy Al Gore and the Democratic party - - and that is a promise you can take to the bank.
WHEN I SAID:
"I think that we have to recognize that while we've made enormous progress in the U.S. in racial relations, and we have come a very long way, we still have a long way to go; that we still have not only the problems we're talking about here tonight terms of the problems you mentioned of profiling, but beyond that, we still have an achievement gap in education, income differentials, differences in lifespan.
We still have, I think, a society that -- where we haven't done enough yet to live up to that standard that we'd all like to live up to, I think, in terms of equality of opportunity, that we judge people as individuals. As Martin Luther King said, we ought to judge people on the content of their character instead of the color of their skin.
I would hope that we can continue to make progress in that regard in the years ahead."
I MEANT:
I truly believe African-Americans are so dumb that the mere mention of Martin Luther King will make them forget my record of running racially segregated bathrooms and voting to keep Nelson Mandela locked up where he belongs. I miss Apartheid. When those Afrikaners racially profiled somebody, they didn’t mess around! And let’s not forget Dubya’s wonderful program to get rid of excess Black men and Latinos by lethal injection. David Duke didn’t endorse us for nothing!
WHEN I SAID: "George Bush is a good man, an honorable man, a man of great integrity. He'll make a first-rate president."
I MEANT:
The Democrats are running a guy who survived the most intrusive partisan witch hunt in human history. We wanted Bubba Clinton and his little Robot Veep thrown out of office and didn’t care what the charge was. Nothing was off limits. No rock was left unturned in the hunt for dirt. And you know what we found on Al Gore? You know how many big, juicy scandals we dug up on Mr. Spock? Nada. Zippo. The big goose egg. Oh sure, we’ve managed to cook up a few phony scandals here or there, but there’s only so many times you can scream "Buddhist Temple" before people start asking "What exactly did Gore do at the Buddhist Temple, anyway?". That dumb Gore guy is so clean he squeaks.
And who are we running? A coke snortin’, draft dodgin’, Granny killer for Christ who can’t find his own butt -- even with a compass, a road map and a big neon sign that flashes "This is your butt, this is your butt, this is your butt" continuously. It’s no mystery who I want to have in charge of all those nuclear weapons.
Yep, I’m backing G. Dubya all the way – ‘cause I’m Satan.
Or Else.
