Dateline: September 13, 2000
AFRICAN-AMERICAN SUPPORT FOR BUSH UP 50%
(Don't Go There/Reuters)
The shattered Reform Party received what may very well be its death blow today when one of its two Vice Presidential candidates, Mrs. Ezola Foster (Reform-Jurassic Park), jumped ship to become the new token Negro to Republican Candidate George W. Bush's (R-Animal House) Campaign. "I realize I'm probably the only person in America who can stand next to Pat Buchanan and make him look sane," Mrs. Foster explained, "But I go where the money is."
Bush spokeswoman Karen Hughes, tentatively slated to become his Reichminister of Propaganda, enthused over the Governor's latest purchase. "Governor Bush has been getting a lot of pressure to pander to both the Negro community and the feminazis. This way, he kills two birds with one stone! And Mrs. Foster is just the sort of token Negro that we need in the new Republican Party. Her stance against anything that makes a lick of common sense, as well as her deeply felt hatred of the poor and minorities makes possible for all of us Compassionate Conservatives to feel comfortable in her prescience."
Among the many strengths that Mrs. Foster brings to the sagging Bush campaign are a complete inability to empathize with any type of human suffering and a longing to return to the good old days of Jim Crow laws. "You know, slavery was a good thing for us colored folk. A very good thing!" Mrs. Foster enthused. "I sincerely believe God meant for half of the West African population to be ripped out of their homes at gun point, starved, tortured, raped and killed in unimaginable degradation so that we could learn something from the vastly superior White Man. Like how to shine shoes."
Governor Bush's Rent-a-brain, Condoleeza Rice (not to be confused with the oil tanker of the same name) echoed the party line: "I know Governor Bush only hired me because he heard I had a thing for rock stupid middle aged frat boys with a trust fund that would choke a horse. I think it shows just how big the Republican tent has grown, now that Governor Bush has hired Mrs. Foster based on her lunatic agenda and knee-jerk racist appeal, rather than her looks."
When asked what her position in the Bush campaign will be, Mrs. Foster remained vague. "Oh, I suppose they're going to leave me dangling about a cabinet post or appointing me to the Supreme Court or something until Mr. Bush has actually won. Then I guess they'll set the police dogs and fire hoses on me. But I don't mind. You can't buy that kind of education anywhere!"
The Fine Folks At Fox and Halliburton Remind You That They've Already Sunk A Ton Of Money Into This Election, So If You Must Vote, Vote For Their Guy.
Or Else.
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