THE POSSUM COUNTY DAILY FLAPDOODLE
Serving America - One Possum At A Time!

NO!! I WANT THE OLD JOKES!!! NOW!!!!

Just who's in charge here, anyway?

Dateline: September 13, 2000
AN OPEN APPEAL TO THE AMERICAN VOTER FROM THE CORPORATE MEDIA ELITE
You know we've been trying to keep the real poll numbers from you -- like desperately trying to disguise the fact that Gore is leading in Florida by eight points by endlessly repeating "Governor Bush might have a fight on his hands in Florida if he's not careful".

We thought you were dumb enough to buy that.

We were wrong. We admit it.

But have you really stopped to think about the consequences of a Gore/Lieberman victory on the quality of your nightly newscast? Do you really want to spend the next four to eight years talking about "real problems" and how to "solve" them? Where's the drama? Where's the intrigue? Where's the scandal??

As a cautionary tale of just how deprived the yellow journalism of the future may become, we are leaking what purports to be a stolen transcript of a recent on-line conversation between Vice President Albert Gore, Jr. and Senator Joeseph Lieberman. For those of you unfamiliar with the technology of the Internet, the two were apparently using a "chat program", which allows "virtual conversations" between two actual humans seated at two different computers, usually separated by some distance. (This technology has often been compared to "the phone", where two "phone callers" carry on a conversation through an electric wire, although there is often at least one room separating them.) The Vice President's side of the conversation appears in blue; Senator Lieberman's comments appear in red.

Imagine the horror if you were seeing this as the lead story of your nightly news:

For those unfamiliar with Internet technology, here are translations of this terrifying, supersecret "Gore campaign chat room" slang.
*"Doing Twenty Five To Life On Planet Schmooze" = Attending an especially long and boring party event that you are obligated to attend. (Often used in connection with fundraising events.)
**"You Ain't Just Whistling Dixie" = That is a statement of fact.
***"(I'm) Laughing Out Loud" = I am laughing out loud.
****"(I'm) Rolling On The Floor, Laughing My Tukhis Off" = um... actually, we have no idea what this means.
*****"From Your Mouth To God's Ears" = "As IF!"
******"Flame" (verb): to make negative comments or ridicule; often with humorous intent
AL: Hi! Sorry I'm so late! I was DTFTLOPS* again.
JOE: How many Buddhist Temple jokes?
AL: 37. I counted.
JOE: Brutal.
AL: YAJWD. ** The worst of it is coming your way.
JOE: This is a big file! What is it?
 AL: Tipper keeps telling me I look cute when I dance. I just don't think I look all that Presidential when I do.
Shocking graphics file Vice President Gore transferred to Senator Lieberman


JOE: LOL!! *** ROTFLMTO!!! ****
AL: Oh, come on! It's not half as funny as the one of you in the racing car!
JOE: FYMTGE!! ***** AL, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????
AL: Well, it was really late, and you know I haven't been getting much sleep lately and everybody's always on my back about how I've got to loosen up if I want to be entrusted with the Presidency so that I can continue to fight the powerful special interests that so often seem to stand in the way of the people who dream the American dream and then the crowd started yelling "You Go, Al!" and "Get down, Mr. Vice President!" and that little voice in my head said "A truly fun individual would dance at this juncture".
Shocking counter charge made by Vice President Gore
JOE: And if a truly fun individual would jump off a cliff at this juncture, would you do that too?
 AL: We have GOT to pass McCain/Feingold. First thing!
 JOE: No duh!... HEY!! CHECK OUT CHANNEL 13!!! STAR TREK'S ON!!!!
 AL: NO WAY!!!!
 JOE: WAY!!!! IT'S THE ONE ABOUT THE SPACE HIPPIES!!!!!!
 AL: ALRIGHT!!!!!! LET'S STAY ONLINE AND FLAME ****** IT!!!!!!

I mean -- what do you expect us to do with this G-rated nonsense?? Stop all regularly scheduled programming to announce in hushed tones that "Special Prosecutor So-and-So has announced an investigation into why President Gore can't dance to save his life"??? Or how about "Today it was leaked by top White House officials that President Gore thinks the Space Hippies episode is one of the low points of the original Star Trek series"?????

Is this really the pathetic level of sleaze we want to subject the American people to for the next four to eight years? Please America -- think before you vote!

Your local Fox Affiliate will thank you for it.



The Fine Folks At Fox and Halliburton Remind You That They've Already Sunk A Ton Of Money Into This Election, So If You Must Vote, Vote For Their Guy.
Or Else.




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