Dateline: September 18, 2000
BUSH ECONOMIC PLAN TOPS NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER LIST
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Governor Bush unveils his 16 page economic plan, described by top Bush aides as "way more better than that dumb Gore guy's 191 page snooze-fest".
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(The Middle Of The Stream/AP)
Republican Presidential Candidate Governor George W. Bush (R-Stepford) continued his unending quest to fool the voters into thinking he’s really Vice President Al Gore (D-Vulcan) by unveiling his own incredibly complex 16 page economic plan today. The Bush camp calls the highly detailed plan a "blueprint for the middle class", although the Governor prefers the much folksier "Real Plans For Realer Peoples". The report itself is filled with cute little blueprints of cozy single family dwellings only available under Bush’s administration, along with full page ads for local photographers and formal wear shops.
Excerpt from Governor Bush's 16 page economic plan:
"A couple from Pennsylvania with three children ages 9, 14 and 19 earns $60,000 per year. The husband manages a small business earning $45,000 and his wife makes $15,000 as an executive assistant. She is in a training course to learn the computer skills that will allow her to advance in her job. Their eldest child is in college – where tuition and fees are $11,000 per year. The youngest child spends his afternoons in an after-school program. The parents save $2,000 per year for their retirement.
"How would this family benefit from Governor Bush's Blueprint For The Middle Class? Ask us after the election. We're still working on it."
The Daily Flapdoodle's Objective Analysis -- how would this typical family fare under the Republican and Democratic Economic Plans:
Life under the Republican plan: Under Governor Bush's "Reel Plans for Reeler Peoples" plan, the husband’s business luckily turnes out to be "Amazon.com"! As a result, he is able to retire at age 35 and spends the rest of his life doing nothing except playing golf and deciding which luxury car to buy this week. The wife is mercifully able to quit her job and go back to her biologically preordained role as live-in maid. She will never even think about computers again, because, as she so sweetly explains, "Math makes my brain hurt". Their eldest son, George W., goes on to earn fabulous degrees at Yale and Harvard Business school, all without paying a dime in tuition. After an unbelievably successful career as a small business and then as the Texas state Governor, he becomes the bestest President ever, and get his face carved up on that one President Mountain or something. I’m sure lots of cool stuff happens to the other two brats, but nothing near as interesting as what happens to George W.
Life under the Democratic plan: Under that dumb Gore guy’s "The Supremely Evil Plan For Way Bigger Government That Wrecks Everybody’s Lives Big Time", the same family would not fair so well. The father is driven out of business by some minority owned business that only got started up because there was all this affirmative action money lying around and nobody was really qualified to receive it, so they gave it to these guys. Afterwards, the Dad starts to drink heavily and forgets to shave. As a direct result, the mom is forced to take promotion after promotion and, when she isn’t nagging the Dad about his complete and total lack of masculinity, spends her spare time listening to k. d. lang songs and watching "Ellen" reruns on "Lifetime", reminding everybody way too much of Hillary Clinton. The oldest boy drops out of college and becomes either a drug addict or an interior decorator, or both, while the two younger kids form one of those awful rap groups, and make up dirty lyrics about how they're going to kill their parents for being such bad economic role models.
The Fine Folks At Fox and Halliburton Remind You That They've Already Sunk A Ton Of Money Into This Election, So If You Must Vote, Vote For Their Guy.
Or Else.
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