Dateline: September 22, 2000
NBC TO AMERICA: "DROP DEAD"
(Brave New World/UPI)
Proving just how much they appreciate the American people for loaning them the bandwidth in the first place, the National Broadcasting Company, a division of General Electric (R-Lobbyists-R-Us) haughtily announced today that they had better things to telecast than those dumb Presidential Debates. Such as baseball.
On October 3rd NBC will broadcast a DIVISIONAL playoff game, instead the first Presidential debate – an event the network is sure none of its viewers care about, since all it will do is waste valuable commercial time and decide just who will become the Guy With His Finger On The Nuclear Launch Button. But on the bright side, if it takes more than five games to determine the American League baseball champions, NBC promises it will also preempt coverage of the final debate, scheduled for Tuesday, October 17.
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Tim Russert, who obviously slept through "Ethics In Jouralism 101".
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Last August, NBC fell all over itself trying to buy up Republican Presidential Candidate George W. Bush’s (R-Oompa Loompa Land) ludicrous sham debate, starring NBC’s own wage slave Tim Russert, who was supposed to moderate with the dedicated professionalism he recently displayed during the Clinton/Lazio debate. Now that the Presidential debates will be held in a mature, nonpartisan manner, NBC is not interested. "We passed on ‘Survivor’ when it was shopped to us, we’re passing on this for the same reason. Total lack of audience interest factor," confided a highly placed empty suit at NBC, a network so in tune with the American people’s tastes that they’re currently running the lowest rated summer Olympics ever.
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Stock Market Profiteer and semi-professional prop comic Ralph Nader is currently polling at the dizzying height of almost 3% of the national vote
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Fortunately for the American voting public, NBC is not the only network trying to throw the election to Bush. The humanitarians at Fox News have come up with an ingenious plan
to cut away from the Governor’s pitiful debate performance in order to give air time to their favorite professional anti-Gore propogandist , Green Party Presidential Candidate Ralph Nader (G -Quisling). Nader, who was once a beacon of hope for the American people, has recently embraced his new role as Fox’s Corporate Stooge Attack Chihuahua on the trillion-to-one chance that he can steal enough Gore votes to pick up a few million federal dollars. "We expect a ton of good, solid anti-Gore sound bytes from that Pinko Green," a highly placed empty suit at Fox News confided. "Even if we don’t, Nader’s continual insistence that there is absolutely no difference between our beloved Governor Bush and that Goody-Two-Shoes-Mega-Brain (Vice President Al) Gore (D-Lamb To The Slaughter) should convince a ton of voters that it ain’t worth their time to go out and vote. And that’s what we want. To keep the American people out of politics -- forever."
The Fine Folks At Fox and Halliburton Remind You That They've Already Sunk A Ton Of Money Into This Election, So If You Must Vote, Vote For Their Guy.
Or Else.
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