Dateline: September 24, 2000
YOUR LAST WARNING FROM YOUR GOOD FRIENDS AT THE GOP
You people are really starting to get on our nerves.
No matter how many times we insist that our guy is back in the lead, you just keep whining to the pollsters how much you agree with that dumb Gore guy’s stands on "education"and "campaign finance reform" and the rest of that trivial "issue-oriented" nonsense.
We don’t think you realize what’s at stake in this election. With Bush in, everybody who counts is going to get rich and get rich quick. The big oil and gas companies have not given George W. 17 times more money than they’ve given that dumb Gore guy because they’re dyslexic. When corporations that wealthy give that much money to stop somebody, he needs to be stopped.
But are you doing your part? Noooooooo, you’re whining to the pollsters that you agree with that dumb Gore guy that "big oil companies are profiteering scumbags" and "we don’t want to pay $12 a gallon for gas" ! You big babies. Oh, we know that some "voters" think we ought to "get in touch with the American people" and "stop being the party of dead white billionaires" or even "run a clean campaign"! We tried that once, in the 1860s. And what was the result? Just the Civil War. What do you think of your stupid populism now? But okay, if you’re going to continue to back that dumb Gore guy despite the fact that he would be directly responsible for burning down Atlanta which means that the Braves would go off the air FOREVER, okay. We can cope. We’re not running scared. Especially not in Florida. Nope, not us. Florida’s in the bag. Yep. No sweat.
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Rare F.B.I. surveillance photo of "Vice" President "Al" Gore accessing his super-secret private email account!!
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We just think you should know what kind of twisted, Machiavellian soul you’re blindly
vaulting into the Presidency. So, in the public interest, we would like to reveal for the very first time the newly discovered, super-secret private emails of "Vice" President "Al" Gore's newly discovered super-secret private email account, as specially reconstructed by Representative Dan Burton’s (R-Salem) House Government Reform Committee.
Oh sure, we’ve known this stuff for about four years now. We just weren’t ready to prove it to you, because it takes an awful long time to reconstruct email if it’s not properly archived. Especially if its super-secret private email account type email that was improperly archived in some sort of criminal activity. But no amount of Democratic Party deviousness will keep us from sharing this shocking new set of super-secret reconstructed emails with the world – no matter how close to the election it is. It’s just our duty to bring these ugly facts to light in a completely non-partisan manner.
THE MOST SHOCKING OF ALL THE NEWLY DISCOVERED RECONSTRUCTED EMAILS OF "VICE" PRESIDENT "AL" GORE’S NEWLY DISCOVERED SUPER-SECRET PRIVATE EMAIL ACCOUNT
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Shocking reconstructed super-secret email #1!
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Shocking reconstructed super-secret email #2!
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Shocking reconstructed super-secret email #3!
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Whoa. Pretty scary, huh? And I think you’ll agree it was well worth the wait.
The Fine Folks At Fox and Halliburton Remind You That They've Already Sunk A Ton Of Money Into This Election, So If You Must Vote, Vote For Their Guy.
Or Else.
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Return To Possum County!
