THE POSSUM COUNTY DAILY FLAPDOODLE Serving America - One Possum At A Time! NO!! I WANT THE OLD JOKES!!! NOW!!!! Just who's in charge here, anyway?

I guess all you dumb broads will vote for me now. Ha, ha.

My day starts early. I wake up early. Sorry Oprah, there are no pictures of me in my jammies. Ha, ha. Instead, there is a picture of me in my jogging suit. I played lots of sports many years ago. Can you tell? Some days I do not jog when I wake up. But today there are reporters in the room, so I have to jog. Next I eat breakfast. I like breakfast. My favorite breakfast is Raisin Bran. Once I found a magic decoder ring in my Raisin Bran. Today there is no magic ring. Rats.

This is my Jesus corner. I read my Bible here, if there are reporters in the room.

If there are reporters in the room, the next thing I do is read my Bible. The Bible is hard to read. People talk funny in the Bible. But the Bible has taught me things. The Bible taught me that the Jews will all go to Hell. But I, Texas Governor George W. Bush, will not go to Hell. That makes me feel good. If there are no reporters, I don’t read the Bible. Instead, I take a nap.

Today we had our strategy session outside! You can't see in the picture, but there were ants all over the place! Ants are cool.

Sometimes I wake up from my nap and Karl and the rest are having a strategy session. I try to listen, but they talk about boring stuff. Today Karl says we will talk about that dumb Gore guy’s Daddy leaving his Mommy some Occidental stock in a blind trust. Karl says we should say that dumb Gore guy is helping Occidental so he can make money off his Daddy’s stock. I get confused. My Daddy told me you don’t know what stocks are in a blind trust. How can that dumb Gore guy know if my Daddy doesn’t know? I ask Karl how can that dumb Gore guy know he has Occidental stock if it’s a blind trust? I tell Karl I think that dumb Gore guy can’t know if he has Occidental stock. I tell Karl I think his strategy is dumb. Karl tells me to sit down and shut up. Sometimes I don’t like Karl. Sometimes he is not nice to me.

In this picture, I tell this little boy that he needs to dress differently. I tell him he looks like a tree-hugging, pansy-assed fruit in that weird outfit. He cried after I said that, but I felt better.

Sometimes after the strategy session I take a nap. Today there are reporters in the room, so we go to a Photo Op. This week I am on another grade school photo op tour. I like grade schools. Little kids don’t ask hard questions. Little kids don’t tell you to sit down and shut up.

There were hard questions all day long.

Usually after the Photo Op I go to lunch. Today there are reporters in the room, so I have to go to a town hall meeting. I hate town hall meetings. Condoleeza tells me not to worry. Condoleeza tells me that all the real people at town hall meetings have promised to vote for me. Condoleeza tells me that if they don’t promise, they can’t come to the town hall meeting. I’m not so sure. Sometimes the real people at the town hall meetings ask hard questions. Sometimes I don’t know a sound byte for hard questions. Today, there was one really annoying dude in the back who asked a hard question. He asked how I was going to pay for my tax cuts. I was scared I forgot my four dollars! But I had my four dollars. Even with my four dollars, it’s a hard sound byte to remember. I hate town hall meetings.

I know how to cook cheeseburgers. But they are not as good as crab cakes. Or Raisin Bran.

Finally I get to eat lunch! But today there are reporters in the room, and I have to cook my lunch myself. Cooking lunch is hard. I wanted crab cakes. But today there are reporters in the room, so I have to eat something easy to cook. I can cook cheeseburgers. But I wanted crab cakes. I am starting to not like today.

There were hard questions all day long. And no naps!

Usually after lunch I take a nap. But today there are reporters in the room, so I have to go to another Photo Op. We go to another grade school. I am tired and not happy. There are parents at this school. One really annoying Dad at the back asks me why I like charter schools. I get scared I don’t have my four dollars. Then I remember the charter school sound byte is different than the four dollar sound byte. Today is full of hard questions. My brain hurts. I get asked even more questions. I want the questions to stop.

Yuck!

Now it’s very late, but I still don’t get to take my nap. Today there are reporters in the room, so I have to go to a retirement home. Everybody there is old. They smell funny. I have a secret now. I want the reporters to go away. I want the reporters to never come back. Condoleeza tells me I have to have reporters in the room if I want to be President. Condoleeza tells me I have to kiss a smelly old lady to become President. I get real mad. Running for President is too hard. I bet Dad never had to kiss smelly old ladies to be President. I get even madder.

This really annoying dude in the back followed me everywhere today with his stupid book. Running for President is just too hard!

Now it’s really, really late, but I still don’t get a nap! There is another town hall meeting. This one is about the smelly old people. This town hall meeting takes forever. One really annoying dude at the back keeps asking me if I had read his book. Like I don’t have enough to do. He keeps asking all these hard questions about old people and medicine and insurance. I get confused. I’m not so sure he’s going to vote for me. I ask Condoleeza if I can have the Texas Rangers rough him up. Condoleeza tells me to sit down and shut up. Sometimes I don’t like Condoleeza.

It is very, very late now. I go to an emergency Republican fund raising party for all my friends in the energy corporations. The party is given by my boss, Satan. I like Satan. Satan is nicer than Karl. Satan never tells me to sit down and shut up. I like the party a lot. We have crab cakes for supper and bands play country music. I like country music best. Satan says he likes country music best, too.

This is my really cool boss, Satan.

I ask the Occidental Petroleum C.E.O. how that dumb Gore guy knows that he has Occidental stock if the stock is in a blind trust. The Occidental Petroleum C.E.O. laughs. I don’t get the joke, but I smile. I like it when people are nice to me. Satan tells me to go take a nap in the corner.

I am finally happy. Today was a good day.

The Fine Folks At Fox and Halliburton Remind You That They've Already Sunk A Ton Of Money Into This Election, So If You Must Vote, Vote For Their Guy.
Or Else.