Dateline: September 26, 2000
HESTON CHUCKS BUSH
(The Okay Corral/AP)
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Chuck Heston, who says "I'm the NRA and who cares if I vote? I'm carrying fully loaded automatic weapons."
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"The ‘W’ in George W. Bush stands for ‘weenie’. And Chuck Heston doesn’t carry water for weenies," announced NRA President Charlton Heston (R-Duck and Cover), shocking Fox, NBC and the rest of the American far right wing. "He used to be a man I could respect. He used to support the True American Agenda – like being able to pack heat in church, because the Lord wants us to be prepared to return The Withering Cross Fire of Retribution at any moment. But now he’s on Oprah, he’s on Regis, he’s on Larry King Live. I don’t care how many women that man marries, I don’t trust him." Heston asserted while reloading what appeared to be a vintage WWII bazooka. "You know what I mean?"
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"Get your paws off me, you damned, dirty ape!"
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Afraid to ask him any questions, we let Heston continue uninterrupted. "And what is he yammering about? 'Medicare' and 'Social Security' and 'Education' and other limp-wristed nonsense that Real, 100% Americans do not now need and never will need. Where are the Real, 100% American issues? I haven’t heard thing one about abolishing the Spanish-American phone tax since that disgusting Affirmative Action freak show in Philadelphia.
Have you seen my flame thrower? Oh, here it is.
I used to see a lot of George W. Bush’s kind, back in that Liberal Cesspool we now call the Nixon Administration. Bush has the same Keystone Crew on board. These idiots try to plant their debate prep tape on (Vice President Al) Gore by mailing it – mailing it! In my day we knew how to run a smear campaign. Stand back, this baby spits a little when I light her up. Once I accidentally toasted the cabana. Do you think Tail Gunner Joe McCarthy would have mailed evidence he was trying to plant? Not on your tintype! He would have gotten liquored up and lied his fanny off about the evidence being there already. That’s the problem with Bush – he keeps getting hung up on 'reality'. He can’t just be a man and say Gore strangles kittens and sells orphans for heroin."
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Heston claims that "The Lord spake unto me" and told him to "Get a hair cut, you punk!"
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We slowly backed out of the room as Mr. Heston filled his pockets with what looked way too much like vials of anthrax, "In my day we knew how to handle the Democratic Party. We lined the Truman administration up against a wall and blacklisted their Commie fannies out of existence. And the Lord Jehovah smiled upon the Nation, for the worship of the Donkey is an abomination before the Lord Thy God for which He will curse your generations. Where’s my damn ICBM?? I had it a minute ago!!"
The Fine Folks At Fox and Halliburton Remind You That They've Already Sunk A Ton Of Money Into This Election, So If You Must Vote, Vote For Their Guy.
Or Else.
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