Dateline: September 27, 2000
BUSH PICKS UP KEY ENDORSEMENT
(Too close for comfort/Reuters)
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David Duke, who disproves the eugenic theory that massive inbreeding produces David Hasselhofesque specimens.
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Crowing "15,000 Fascists can’t be wrong!" aides to Republican Presidential Candidate George W. Bush (R-Lebensraum) announced today that Bush had received the endorsement of America’s two most beloved political figures, white supremacists David Duke and Mathew Hale. Duke and Hale, whom the Human Genome Project have tested and positively identified as "the closest living relatives to pond scum", admitted they were motivated by their uncontrollable fear of Democratic Vice Presidential Candidate Joseph Lieberman (D-Is For Real Diversity). Hale confessed, "Some times I wake up in a cold sweat, thinking about Lieberman’s affect on America. I mean, he’s so cuddly, in a TV Grandpa kind of way. And it’s so obvious he and that dumb Gore guy are actually friends, not just somebody you know from Tuesday night cross burnings but still don’t have any kind of real emotional connection with. With Lieberman in the spotlight all the time, millions of otherwise sadistic anti-Semitic losers could discover that Jews are people too!"
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Mild mannered policy wonks Al Gore and Joe Lieberman strike terror in the hearts of racist jerks everywhere!
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But while 100% pure, old fashioned American anti-Semitism first lead Hale and Duke to consider endorsing Bush, it was their growing fear of Vice President Al Gore’s (D-Is Also For "Damn! I Bet He’ll Even End Up On A Dollar Bill Or Something After His Second Term!") rising poll numbers that sent them over the edge. "It’s my fault really," Duke apologized to his three supporters. "I just heard Gore’s accent when he started up in Congress in 1976, and never even considered he could be a traitor to our glorious race. It’s a mistake anyone could make. I mean, the man practically lives in those stupid cowboy boots -- and I have personally seen him say the word ‘y’all’ on TV! More than once! But when the Grand Dragon told me Gore chose some dirty little lying Jew as his running mate, I decided to take another look. And was I embarrassed!"
To prove his point, Duke showed a montage of clips of Gore’s recent appearance on MTV’s "Choose Or Loose". In the clips, Gore stated his strong opposition to "anything that promoted prejudice of any kind", singling out misogyny, racism and homophobia as being particularly offensive. In the second clip, the Vice President explained that an Executive Order outlawing racial profiling would be ready sometime late this year or early next year – and that either he or President Clinton would sign it into law the moment it was ready. Duke stopped the tape at this point, shivering in horror. "Can you imagine? I mean, racial profiling is pretty much what we in the Klan are all about! If it actually becomes illegal, I mean… I mean… we might have to start being nice or something! It is because of this terrifying possibility that Reverend Hale and I have thrown our support behind the ‘Yeah, We Know They’re As Dumb As A Pile Of Bricks And Half As Articulate But At Least They’re 100% Aryan Rednecks Like Us’ Ticket".
When reached for comment this morning, Governor Bush stated for the record: "OOOOOOOOOOO-EEEEEEEEE!! DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS!!!!!!! I, Texas Gubnor George W. Bush acceptimates this here stuptifyin honor of bein end-dorceded by such fine, upperstandilating Real Americanians as Misters Duke an Hale. I thinks there double plus good type org’nizashuns am whut is made Texas an now right soon like Americania whut it be today." Bush concluded his prepared statement by proudly outlining the qualites that won him the highly covetted "World’s Best Fifth Columnist" award from Neanderthal-Americans all over the formerly great state of Idaho.
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Governor Bush unveils his plan for reducing overcrowding in Houston by "making sure the trains run on time".
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1.) Reform Party candidate Pat Buchanan’s (R-The Other Republican Party) traitorous selection of a running mate who was a female, African-American Right Wing Fruitcake who’s five steps to the right of Mussolini, instead of a male, 100% Aryan Right Wing Fruitcake who’s five steps to the right of Mussolini.
2.) The G.O.P.’s "diversity" parade at the Philadelphia convention didn’t even fool idiots who dress up in bed sheets to feel scary.
3.) The Bush family’s inspiring history of anti-Semitism, including his Grandfather Prescott Bush’s vital role in funding Hitler’s war effort.
4.) Bush’s rigid support of the position that homosexuals are "life unworthy of life" (unless their last name happens to be Cheney).
5.) Bush’s sense of fair play when it came to executing over one hundred blacks, Latinos and women, while granting stays of execution to white male serial killers. ("Do you know how valuable serial killers are to the movement?" Hale asked breathlessly. "You don’t even have to pay them!")
6.) Bush’s legendary callousness towards Real People with Real Problems but no Real Estate.
Immediately after the ceremony, Governor Bush held an impromptu Photo Op where he told his parents the good news. "I don’t think Bar and I have ever been quite so proud of our little W.," former President George H. W. Bush gushed. "Now I know he’ll win in November!"
The Fine Folks At Fox and Halliburton Remind You That They've Already Sunk A Ton Of Money Into This Election, So If You Must Vote, Vote For Their Guy.
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