The Daily Flapdoodle

THE POSSUM COUNTY DAILY FLAPDOODLE
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Dateline: September 28, 2000
THE SCIENCE OF POLLING EXPLAINED – A DAILY FLAPDOODLE FEATURETTE
(The belly of the beast/AP)

Hello, gentle reader. My name is soon-to-be-Governor-or-Possibly-Even-Senator George P. Bush, the way-hotter-than-that-dumb-Gore-guy Latin nephew of my uncle, Texas Governor George W. Bush. What does the "P." stand for? It stands for "Praying For The Perfect Woman To Come Into My Empty Life". Maybe it’s you, gentle reader. Have you registered to vote yet? Time is growing short. Don’t let opportunity pass you by. The G.O.P. wants you. More than we can ever say.

What was that, my angel? What does "G.O.P." stand for? It stands for "Millions Of Hot Single Latinos Desperately In Need Of Gorgeous Women Like You". Only in Spanish. Because it’s sexier that way.

I’m not just here to gaze in amazement at your perfection throughout all of eternity. No. As much as I would like to, no. I’m here on behalf of my uncle, Texas Governor George W. Bush, to explain his current standing in the polls. Many people have been amazed at his sudden good fortune this week. Last week he was in abject desperation, this week he’s vaulted up to the very gates of heaven. I know how he must feel, now that I’ve met you. Some are even crass enough to suggest that the current polls are inaccurate. But we won’t believe that. Not tonight, when we are finally alone. No. It’s simply that the science of polling improved dramatically last weekend. All that stuff about Al Gore beating my uncle just couldn’t be true. Nothing that would keep us apart should ever be true.

What is this radical, extremely scientific improvement? I will tell you, when I can tear my eyes away from your loveliness. It is simply this. We call it the "If Exxon figures Out Governor Teleshrubby Is Going Down In Flames Karl Rove Is Going To Break My Kneecaps" factor. Observe the science of push polling in action:

QUESTION #1: "Given Vice President Gore’s decision today to sell Hawaii to the Chinese Communists, if the Presidential Election were held today, do you think you would vote for the traitor Gore or Governor Bush?"

Observe the science of push polling in action.

Answers Received Number of People
who answered that way Support Bush Support Gore

"Duh. Gore." 4 0 4

"Bush?? You don’t mean that IDIOT who can’t even remember which state he’s Governor of??" 1 1
(See note#1) 0

"No habla Anglais." 1 1
(See note #2) 0

Raw Data Total 6 2 4

Percentage of Total Vote 100 33 67

Note #1: Mentioned the name "Bush". Counts as a Bush supporter.
Note #2: Probably Hispanic. Given Governor Bush’s well known sympaticoness with swarthy people of the Latin persuasion, counts as a Bush supporter.
(Results of exhaustive poll of residents of Hawthorne Dorm of Florida State Normal College taken the day after the last day of final examinations.)

QUESTION #2: "If you were on going to have a date with someone you really, really, really wanted to impress, and you only had one incredibly slim chance of doing it within the first 10 seconds, who would you want to bring the pizza – the chess club rejects running on the democratic ticket – those guys could put rocks to sleep! - or Governor George 'W. stands for WOW!' Bush and DJ Jazzy Dick Cheney – who, by the way, invented the Game Boy?"


Vice President Gore and Senator Lieberman (NBC News file photo).

Answers Received	Number of People who answered that way	Support Bush	Support Gore
"Duh. Gore and Lieberman."	13	0	13
"I can’t eat pizza. I’m allergic to dairy."	2	2 (See note#1)	0
"I think you have the wrong number. This is the Department of Sanitation."	1	1 (See note #2)	0
Raw Data Total	16	3	13
Percentage of Total Vote	100	19	81

Note #1: Mentioned dairy products. Texas is full of cows. Counts as a Bush supporter.
Note #2: Governor Bush gets way more numbers wrong than Vice President Gore. Counts as a Bush supporter.
(Results of an exhaustive phone poll of voters in Green Bay, Wisconsin, taken during the last hour of the last episode of "Survivor".)

QUESTION #3: "Who do you think is the worst choice for President: Gore, Bush, Nader, Ficus or Buchanan?"

Answers Received	Number of People who answered that way	Support Bush	Support Gore
"Bush."	33	33	0
Raw Data Total	33	33	0
Percentage of Total Vote	100	100	0

(Results of exhaustive poll of the Burgoon High School Freshman Home Economics Class, 3rd Period, Burgoon, Ohio.)

Now the last step - the raw data is averaged, to produce a true reflection of the American voters’ current opinions.

	Support Bush	Support Gore
First poll	33	67
Second poll	19	81
Third poll	100	0
Average result	51	49

See? "Bush 51%, Gore 49%". Knock of 3 points so that Nader won’t get on our case about "unfair polling practices" and what do you have? "Bush 49%, Gore 48%, Nader 2%, Buchanan 1%". What could be more obvious? And know that you’ve seen the wonders of push polling in action, you feel better, don’t you? Of course you do, my darling. Because now you know for certain that we would never, ever try to manipulate you.

The Fine Folks At Fox and Halliburton Remind You That They've Already Sunk A Ton Of Money Into This Election, So If You Must Vote, Vote For Their Guy.
Or Else.

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