Dateline: September 29, 2000
BUSH CAMP FRAMED BY KLEPTO VP
(Reading Railroad/AP)
The American public was mildly surprised to learn that Texas Governor George W. Bush’s (R-Land Of The Lost) band of fresh faced cub scouts and brownies has been the subject of another sloppy frame up by the Powers That Be in Washington DC. First the Bush staff was unjustly accused of mailing Bush’s debate prep tape to Gore’s "mock debate partner". Now the horrific smear campaign that is being waged against those starry eyed kids from Texas has reached a new, terrifying low. Some unknown FIEND has been stealing mail personally addressed to members of the national press corps attached to the Bush campaign – mail sent from the staff of "Vice" President "Al" Gore (D-Devil’s Island)!
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Karen Hughes, who has gone through such a trying time lately, we sincerely hope the FBI doesn't question her. Or Karl Rove.
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"The Other Camp may claim we stole their boring old junk mail that totally explained how that dumb Gore guy’s education plan blows us out of the water," Bush communications director Karen Hughes (R-HUAC) explained. "But that’s only because they’re ‘slow’. Sometimes I wonder if they’re dyslexic. That would account for them thinking that that stupid junk mail of theirs actually arrived at our hotel at 8:30 p.m. September 26th, when it never actually arrived here. At all."
Hughes continued her explanation as she passed out icy cold milk and oven warm snickerdoodles to the assembled media. "Our mail handling procedures are simplicity itself. The desk peasants have strict instructions to bring all mail addressed to anyone in the Heathen Press Corps to the campaign staff suite, which is so much more convenient to Karl Rove and myself. After we read the contents of those packages, we Xerox them to insure that SOMEONE keeps some kind of record of these valuable, historic documents, because the Gore camp hires their file room staff through an Affirmative Action program, so I’m told you can NEVER find anything in their files. Maybe that’s why ‘Vice’ President Gore seems so ill-informed and confused all the time."
"This is outrageous!" Bush’s chief political strategist, Karl Rove (R-Watergate) concurred. "I’m pretty sure tampering with the mail is a Federal felony or something! Why isn’t the FBI in Nashville, arresting that awful, awful man, ‘Vice’ President ‘Al’ Gore!? It’s a good thing his wife is a shrink, but she must not be a very good one, if he’s still such a total klepto. But I keep forgetting, (Attorney General) Janet Reno is a Democrat and therefor incapable of doing her job without letting her politics get in the way. Did I mention she’s a biological deviant? And I heard she’s on drugs, too."
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Hotel survelience photo of the mysterious figure seen lurking in the corridor outside the press corps' rooms (Copyright Karl Rove 9/29/200).
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Mr. Rove's objective analysis aside, we at the Daily Flapdoodle feel compelled to editorialize on this matter, even though this not the editorial page and the ideals of journalism used to demand complete objectivity, but please! That is so 20th century! I mean, Edward R. Murrow is dead, people. Okay? Jeeze, you start having to be objective, next you have to start checking your facts or something!… But we digress….
(Deep breath. Take two.)
Mr. Rove's objective analysis aside, we at the Daily Flapdoodle feel compelled to editorialize on this matter. There is only one logical suspect. Who benefits from baseless media speculation about the Bush camp engaging in "criminal activities"? Who skates into the White House if Governor Bush just COINCIDENTALLY happens to be arrested by drugged out homosexual "African-American" FBI agents right before he takes the oath of office? Well, we in the corporate media refuse to be party to the sordid little "gotcha!" traps laid by the Gore campaign. And that is why you will never read about this felony mail tampering in any mainstream media outlet.
The Fine Folks At Fox and Halliburton Remind You That They've Already Sunk A Ton Of Money Into This Election, So If You Must Vote, Vote For Their Guy.
Or Else.
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