| Reverend's Rants |
| If the shoe fits.....put it on. |
| Guest Rants |
| In light of the corruption surrounding this year's figure skating, I feel the time is right for my voice to be heard. With the Canadians also getting the gold, and the Russians complaining about the unfair treatment they feel they've received, I can no longer hold my tongue. I am submitting to the I.O.C. my arguments for why I deserve the gold. I trained long and hard for this, putting in years of practice and training to hone my figure skating skills. My second thought out of the womb was to dream an Olympic dream, a gold medal in figure skating (my first thought out of the womb being, "Why the hell is this guy hitting me!?!"). But my dream has been cruelly ripped from my grasp. If the I.O.C. will not hear me out, I have a lawyer standing by ready to sue. Here are my ten arguments. Judge for yourselves: 10. Didn't send a thug to hit my fellow competitor in the leg with a crowbar; I did my own dirty work. 9. No tuffs of body hair sticking out of my leotard this year. 8. They can't prove my 36 falls were not part of my routine. 7. I was wearing pink, and we all know pink is the color of success. 6. How many people could come up with a routine to "Nappy Dugout" by Ice Cube? 5. Penalizing me points for screaming "Fuck!" every time I made a mistake is not a rule. 4. I have a nicer set of legs than that Russian bitch. 3. Suing for success instead of earning it is an American tradition, and I'm proud to be an American. 2. Using bodily gases for extra propulsion is an innovation! And my number one reason why I deserve the gold? Pity. Pure, simple pity. Because I have been denied the gold I have lost many sponsorship deals that would have financed my future training. No Wheaties box for me, thank you very much! I know you are all as outraged as I am by how unfairly I've been treated. I urge you all to organize a petition showing your support for me and your anger over the bias of the judges. Help me keep the Olympics pure! |
| I deserve the Gold! by JGbear |
| You want in? Send your rants to reverendjay@yahoo.com. All submissions will be judged on a totally subjective basis. If I don't like it (or you) I won't post it. |