|Just recently FOX announced a new program that only Rupert Murdoch could fart out and have thrive in America: Celebrity boxing. Has-been media darlings will be fighting in the squared circle for the mega-bucks of Murdoch and the mega-ridicule of humanity. The first fight card reads as follows: Tonya Harding versus Paula Jones, Danny Bonaducci versus the actor who played Greg Brady, and Vanilla Ice versus a "Mystery Opponent" (I'm hoping for the surviving member of Milli Vanilli). What's next, Webster versus Punky Brewster? Gladitorial combat has returned to mainstream entertainment, the likes of which has not been seen since the fall of Rome: give the people what they want so they won't be bothered by anything else.
Anyone ever watch BattleBots on Comedy Central? It's a sport of sorts; combining mindless violence, science, geekdom, and wrestling in a weird combination that is very entertaining. For those not familiar with it, here is a brief description: individuals or teams build robots of various designs and weight classes (some as large as a sofa) out of whatever material they want. Using remote radio controls they have these robots battle one another in a giant plexiglass-enclosed area (called the Pit). You get points for hits, flipping your opponent over, or exposing your opponent to various dangers in the Pit, such as buzz-saw blades and spikes popping out of the floor, a giant mallet hitting your opponent, etc. The robots fight to win; no outcome is preordained (The Learning Channel has a similar show). The announcers should be shot because they're annoying and stupid, yet it's much more fun to watch than golf, and no person gets hurt (even in golf people get hit by the stray ball once in a while).
Since most sports announcers are annoying, and there is earnest competition between individuals and/or teams, I feel this is a sport. But what has happened recently is that they've decided to spice it up a little bit and add Carmen Electra as an "on The field reporter" so to speak. She's only there for her tits, of course, but her presense got my mind working (not in the perverse way you're all assuming; that I did awhile ago after seeing her first spread in Playboy): couldn't she qualify as a battlebot? Plastic passed water as the most abundant substance in her body a long time ago. Can't we stick Carmen out there against another desperate sucker who's career is washed up, and still have battlebots? Like Cher, for instance; she probably has even more plastic than Carmen, and could even be considered the Jack Dempsey of such a sport since she cyborged herself first. There are plenty of others out there who fit the bill, and probably quite a few that would do it to revitalize their careers (Michael Jackson versus Diana Ross for the rights to the nose?). We couldn't take Joan Rivers, though; she's too old. I'm talking about non-retirement age individuals going at it in the Pit, fighting one another by the battlebot rules. There has to be some credibility and sportsmanship here, or no one will take it seriously. The mindless violence without anyone actually getting hurt would still hold true; plastic surgeons could be on hand, standing by operating chairs to patch them up in no time, and they could jump up, ready to beat each other again. They could have pit stops like in NASCAR! "Plastic Crews" could run out with new noses and boobs (they have his and her's nowadays), ratcheting everything on as quickly as they can to get their battlebot ("battlebod" might be a better term) back out in the Pit. I think a new sport could emerge from this. It would detract from Murdoch's latest creation, but a televised "reunion quicky" between Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuco would probably balance the scales. Oh, sorry Hugh Hefner; didn't mean to give away your latest Playboy special.