In The News…

Disclaimer: All news stories listed are real and are to be taken seriously.

Please click on stories to read the complete truth!

  1. Sasquatch arrested for public nudity.
  2. Officer who arrested the Sasquatch mysteriously disappears. Reporters say "yeah right" and blames it on the Sasquatch Militia.
  3. Reporters taken out by a small but effective special forces unit of the Militia’s Stomptroopers.
  4. Child arrested for molesting a priest.
  5. Priests arrested for molesting other priests.
  6. Shaquille O’Neil gets a hangnail in a recent game. He is expected to be out for 6-8 months with some serious rehabilitation.
  7. Breaking News: The Ice Age Is Over!!!!!!!
  8. New Research reveals that the Earth is really a pink triangle. Someone’s sure gonna catch hell for that one!
  9. Saddam Hussein is really dead. Any videos you now see are only videos made before his death and are irrelevant to any current world crisis.
  10. The Hippie Militia is wiped out by the Cavalry of the Sasquatch Militia.
  11. Rabbit hit by car. Law suit expected to be filed soon.
  12. Gore claims Bush ‘cheated’ in the election, and has advised Bush to resign immediately or suffer the consequences.
  13. A small Sasquatch Militia unit discovers that people going to the Moon was faked. There is a TV studio in England set up to record any and all ‘Moon Walking’.
  14. Toddler kills five in reckless tricycle accident. Expected to be charged with Manslaughter and given a good spanking.
  15. Man kills dog. Quoted as saying, "It’s about time that damn thing shut up."
  16. Severe rainstorm starts in the Middle East. Forecasters predict it will last another 39 days and 40 nights. Supernatural powers suspected to be cause.
  17. Empty school explodes. Several casualties.
  18. School ‘mysteriously’ explodes. Kids are delighted.
  19. Mailbox bomber found to be a complete dumb ass by a highly trained team of professional psychiatrists.
  20. Officer says dead witness ‘refuses to talk’.
  21. Police ‘Turn Yourself In’ Campaign yields no criminals. Police celebrate the lack of crime by holding a donut party.
  22. Reverend Jesse Jackson arrested for teasing a deaf girl.
  23. Breaking News: British Colonies gain independence from England and call themselves ‘The United States of America’.
  24. Researchers find that it was not the French who helped the U.S. gain its independence from England, it was the Sasquatch Militia.
  25. Bush quoted as saying: "Perpamatraters of this hideanous crime will be found and prosemacuted." When asked about the September 11th bombings.
  26. Bill Gates’ plans for world domination are foiled by the Sasquatch Militia.
  27. Osama Bin Laden reportedly ‘turns over a new leaf’ and begins his new job in America on Monday. He will be working as commander of Norad.
  28. Chewbacca fired from the Star Wars series after demanding equal pay. A quick and severe action of the Sasquatch Militia is expected to follow.
  29. Canada is found to be a complete waste of the world’s time and effort and is declared a world enemy. "Bring it on." Says Wayne Gretsky, former hockey player.
  30. Bush declares war on Mexico. It is expected to become the 51st state within the week after the U.S. kicks Mexico’s ass in a short but decisive war.
  31. Man declares Belgium does not exist.
  32. ‘Yuh huh’ replies a Belgium spokesperson.
  33. 38 people die in another country. No one cares.
  34. Canada is taken over by the rest of the world, and sasquatch sympathizers declare the whole country the Republic of Cascadia. Home of the sas.
  35. Auto Racing is declared the most boring and least athletic sport around by a group of professional drunk sports-a-holics.
  36. "Stop Whining" Campaign launched by group of angry babysitters, babies complain it limits free speech, Sasquatch Militia defends right of babies to have free speech!
  37. Shaq's tired, expected to be out 3-8 minutes.
  38. ACLU defends the right of people to "blow up the ACLU"
  39. ACLU destroyed in explosion, Witnesses recount "watching ACLU members watch people set up bomb and explode it without objection." Sasquatch Militia releases official statement calling ACLU "MORONS of the Highest degree" and declares them "ineligible for membership" "We don't allow morons in our organization, but we do make exceptions"(Obviously refering to entire membership of the Sasquatch Militia.).
  40. HAHA!!! Sasquatch Militia launches Laughing campaign, claims people "are to uptight and act like total pricks".
  41. Sasquatch Militia launches food drive
  42. Sasquatch Militia has members only picnic. Things from food drive mysteriously dissappear.
  43. Breaking News: Glass cup falls and breaks on ground. No casualties.
  44. Insane man goes crazy.
  45. Freddy Prinze jr. releases new movie. No one shows up.
  46. 823 people die in another country. NO ONE CARES.
  47. Heterophobic Dogs reeking havoc in suburbs. Sasquatch Militia called in to alleviate the problem.
  48. Camp Sunrise goes bankrupt after claiming "If you don't come to our camp your a bastard".
  49. Chett Lovejoy dunks on former all-star Michael Jordan, and tells Jordan to "stuff it". Chett shows up at school with black eye and broken nose. Jordan found dead, surrounded by "Sasquatch Militia was here" posters and "Join the Sasquatch Militia" posters scattered about 3 mile area in rural Cascadia.
  50. Funny-man joker and murderer kills victims as they exclaim "Your killing me, your literally killing me".
  51. "It's amazing, where are we?" asks delirious man after drinking a liquid clothespin.
  52. Contestant on popular MTV show 'Dismissed' takes a timeout, and never returns. Police question Sasquatch Militia. Sasquatch Militia wipes out entire police department with small special forces raid, and airstrikes.
  53. Dallas Mavericks announce new initiative called "Give us good basketball players from other countries so we can lose in the playoffs to Sacremento because we suck. "
  54. 'God's unwanted Children' defeat 'the FLAMERS' in quiz bowl. Akward visual exchange commences.
  55. Drunk man drowns in his own beer.
  56. Man Drowns in a pile of his own crap. One witness reported that "He had alot of piles of crap to drown in, he'd been crapping all day in several spots, and it was just a matter of time before he drowned in a pile of his own crap."
  57. "Members of the Sasquatch Militia are cool, very cool, like the fonz." Recent study released by the University of the Sasquatch Militia, Saint Paul, (USMSP) confirms this long suspected notion.
  58. Crazy man jumps in ocean and searches for pearls inside of clams. Man doesen't realize he's at Phalen lake, where there are no pearls. Minister of Propaganda is pissed off and orders troops to "Get the dumbass out of the water"
  59. Man drives wrong way on freeway. Now he's 600 miles backwards from where he started.
  60. Dan Rather mentions Sasquatch Militia on CBS news. "No I didn't" says Rather who claims he knows no such organization exists.
  61. Dan Rather photographed wearing stylish Sasquatch Militia T-shirt.
  62. The Official van of the Sasquatch Militia said to be a "Big piece of Crap" by almost everyone. Buy it now for 600$.
  63. Local Dariette admittes to being a "Federalist mind control Satelite"
  64. Doctors discover that everyone who gets a cold dies.
  65. Danny Almonte turns 24 today.
  66. Jimmy Carter asks Castro to "Ease up brother, you look like weird". Castro quoted with calling Carter a "Moron...coming to my turf and fronting like that."