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07:49
God, what a hangover to wake up to! Damn Spotnitz and his Tequila shooter races. Naturally I couldn't just roll over and go back to sleep. It's not like anybody else would do any fucking work for a change. Fat chance. And I almost went blind opening the curtains! Guess what? Another sunny day in the Palisades...

08:02
Why is it that no matter how much I pay, I still can't get hot water? I live in the most technologically sophisticated nation on Earth and yet those stupid goddam plumbers can't even fix my shower. They'd be so dead if The Cancer Man was for real. And somebody's been using my toothbrush again.

08:27
Goddammit! I was almost run off the road by that Hanks kid again! What the hell is up with Tom and Rita? I tell them and tell them and they always say, "Gee, so sorry Chris, we'll talk to him!" but still it keeps happening. Everybody thinks that family is just so nice, but I suspect they're actually Satanists.

08:51
Great; another traffic ticket. I know those Highway Patrol pricks come after me because I own a Ferrari and they don't. Isn't it amazing the way they can tell you to your face just what a bastard they think you are, then ask for your autograph in the same breath? I signed her notebook "All the best, Ally McBeal."

09:31
Nobody ever refills the office coffee pot. The fans bitch and moan about the "lousy writing", or the fact that I only take a week or so to bash out a final draft (not like their precious Darin fucking Morgan), but I don't have the fucking time to spend on little stuff like scripts, since I have to wash all the cups and empty the trash cans! Where the hell is the cleaning guy? Why the hell do I pay him? He's probably a staff writer on Buffy...

09:59
Great. I've been at the office for less than 30 minutes and already Rob is making crank calls to me. I knew it was him. He pretended to be my drycleaner, but I could hear Kim in the background. He has that weird fucking giggle. Fucking Bowman. He spends more time on the Lot than the guys who are actually supposed to be here! I'm sure he thinks I'm going to let him direct 'Future 2. What a jerk.

10:20
Frank looks worse than I feel. He has all this dried gunk in his beard. I think it's pasta sauce. At least, I hope it is. Maybe his shower doesn't work either. All the way through the meeting I'm trying not to gag because of his body odor! Then he asks for a chat in his office!

10:31
OK, so that's it - he slept on the sofa in his office last night. God, It smells like the mens room at some sailor's bar. I half expected to see a Taiwanese trawlerman asleep on his floor. What a slob.

11:07
Another call from Bowman, this time claiming to be from the IRS. He even put Manners on, who pretended to be his supervisor. They really sucked. I mean, even Russell Crowe can out-act those two. Don't give up your day jobs you guys - if you can ever find one...

11:41
Commotion in the writers lounge. Vince and Shiban were rolling around on the floor, pummeling the shit out of each other. John had complained to Frank about Vinnie's latest draft, calling it turgid dog poo, so Vince told him he should still be in Script Writing 101 at the Community College of Broken Leg, Nevada. John is easily upset. He tipped the Fichus on to Vince's head, and next thing it's like WWF. God, writers, I hate them. Fucking Bunch of babies.

12:12
Fuck it; I decided to have a nice quiet lunch. Then Kim and Rob invited themselves along, then Frank, and the next thing I know we're having a staff meeting in Starbucks. When John bought Vince a latte, I figured that shit from earlier was all over, but then Rob asked Vinnie how his turgid dog poo was coming along, and off it went again. Did you know that Starbucks actually have security guards? What kind of coffee shop has security guards for fuck's sake? I'm so sick of these people. One of the LAPD chicks was very cute though.

13:03
Dori called again. Nag nag nag. What the hell is wrong with that woman? How am I supposed to repair the clothes dryer from here? Does she think I can do it telepathically? She watches way too much of The X-Files.

13:25
I just got another weird call from some guy. I thought it was Bowman again, so I told him to go fuck himself with a howitzer, but it turns out it was some fansite admin wanting the interview I'd idiotically told Publicity that I'd do. See what happens when you drink too much? The guy seemed a little peeved. Hell, I said I was sorry, what more did he want, a blowjob? Actually, maybe he did: he kept asking about that stupid fucking MSR, over and over. No matter what else I tried to talk about, he kept coming back to it. A guy interested in the MSR? Gimme a fucking break! He must have been gay.

14:07
New idea, new idea, new idea...fuck, I really hate writing now. Christ, we've done everything, twice! Doctoring scripts really, really sucks. What the hell else is there to write? "Oh Monica, let's quit the FBI and go panning for gold in the Yukon", "Oh, darling John, what a nice idea! But what about Scully?", "Don't worry about her...". Fuck me. I wonder if I can get my old job back at Surfing magazine...?

14:30
Kim Manners loves acid rock. I know this for a fact because he always plays it at approximately 197 decibels. We get complaints about it from some old lady in San Clemente. He's old - why doesn't he listen to Chopin, for fuck's sake? I used to try to drown him out with my Beach Boys Greatest Hits CD, but Vince went out and got that court order.

14:33
Wow, Frank is more hungover than I thought! He just threw Kim's stereo out the window. It put a pretty wicked dent in the hood of Rob's car. He's down there now. I can hear him screaming and yelling. That might teach him not to park in Matt Groening's space.

14:58
God, what a beautiful day. I wonder if Spotnitz wants to go to the beach? He could sure use a swim! I can't do any more with this draft. I'll have to give it back to Vince and tell him to start again. I can't figure it out; it's not like him to screw up so badly. It's not turgid dog poo - no dog could crap this.

15:18
I thought Kim was going to sulk in his office for the rest of the day, but when he heard we were heading out to Malibu, he acted like nothing at all happened. So now we're all going. Vince really sucked the grapefruit when I gave him his script back, but I say fuck him. I can't write everything around here. He can't hate me too much, since he's on his way home to get his board.

15:24
We were going to ask Rob to come too, but he and his precious car were gone. Whatever. Probably already kissing it goodbye at the shop. What a loser. I should never have let him direct 'Future. He really screwed the hallway scene.

15:48
So we'd just turned onto the Coast highway when I got a call from Rob. He wanted to know where the fuck we were because his wallet was locked in the office. The body shop guys have dropped him off at the Lot and he's left his keys in his car! He's not happy, but we're laughing pretty hard. After much debate, we turn around and go back for him.

16:36
I love the beach, even when it's as windy as today. Not much surf, unfortunately. To stave off boredom, we made fun of Vince's skinny little legs. He looks like a fucking bird. We also laughed at Rob's gut. He's convinced that we're jealous or something. He honestly doesn't realize how fat he is. Shiban called him "Mr Creosote", but he didn't get it.

16:49
FOX called. Somebody told them that the office was deserted and now they want to know where we are. Frank told them we were scouting locations. When they asked why we were doing it, he said that only we were qualified to decide which locations were "ambiently suitable". He does a good line of bullshit. Sometimes I'm glad he's company President.

17:37
It's nice, but windy, and the sun is setting, so we call it a day here. We're all hungry and decide to hit a restaurant. My hangover has disappeared and even Frank looks better. The beach rules.

18:22
We couldn't get into any of the places John favored, on account of the fact that we look like extras from Point Break, but we finally found a nice little joint that wasn't too fussy and had a decent menu. I had grilled shrimp and a nice cold Steinlager. It was great. Then Vince and John started discussing screen writing.

22:13
Dori finally arrived and so I made bail. I don't know about the other guys. Who cares? Fuck 'em. It's their fault that I missed Ally McBeal. I smell like a bus station urinal. As we drove away, Rob called me from the police station, but I hung up on him. All the way back to the house I have to listen to Dori. Yay. I should have stayed home today and fixed the fucking dryer.

23:04
And the shower still doesn't work properly...

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2002

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