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04:33
Can't sleep at all. Dori should consider surgery for that snoring problem. Christ, she'd have left me years ago if I sounded like that! I can't believe how tolerant and understanding I am. Fuck her, might as well grab a cup of coffee and do some work.

04:51
We have about 200 drafts for the Finale and they all suck! This is going to be a disaster. Duchovny'll never let me forget it. Thank God for Gillian. What a trooper. Shame about her taste in men, but nobody's perfect I guess.

05:21
Dozed off while reading Shiban's effort. Holy shit, what's wrong with the guy? Lately he doesn't seem to be able to do anything right. I'm still fighting fires due to Underneath. I wonder if he's doing drugs or something. And that fucking goatee is so stupid.

05:42
Kill Mulder? Kill Scully? Skinner? Bring back The Cancer Man? Fuck knows. I just wrote a really cool scene but then I realised that I'd have to use Lawless again, and nobody wants that. Can I give it to somebody good instead? Maybe Laurie. OK, so maybe she's not that great either, but we could make it a shower scene! Maybe that'll get Shiban interested in the show again...

06:04
Joy. Dori came out and complained that I was disturbing her sleep because I was 'shouting to myself'. Man, the nerve! As if! I didn't dare mention her snoring again. I hate the emergency room. It smells so weird. The hell with it, I'm going to the office.

06:28
Say what you will about Los Angeles, it has the most fabulous sunrises. I took the Coast highway so I could watch it over Malibu. Such vibrant colors! It looks like Picasso puked or something!

06:36
I almost hit a cat. When I swerved to avoid it, I damn-near ran some old lady off the road. She gave me the finger and called me a 'cocksucker'! Jesus, what's the World coming to? What was she doing out this early, anyhow? Old people creep me out.

06:58
Had a great conversation with the gate guard. Turns out he's the keynote at some amateur archaeologist's convention this weekend. I now know more about ancient Etruscan pottery techniques than I'd ever have thought possible. How do these fuckers find me?

07:12
Early-shift Craft Services have taken up all the spaces again! They know they're not supposed to park here. That set-dresser from Malcolm in the Middle told me to get fucked when I asked him to move his shit-heap out of my spot! Christ, I even said please! The World's going to hell in a handcart, I swear to God.

07:29
Wonderful. The janitor bitched at me again about the mess Gilligan and Shiban make when they play office bowling. I told him it was his job to clean up messes so he swore at me in Croatian or something. I mean, what's the point if I can't understand it? And just what the fuck is a Kujka, for Christ's sake?

08:02
How can somebody get so rich from such shitty software? It crashes my computer more often than Teddy Kennedy crashes cars. Final Draft is great and costs a fortune but I can't even use it because this computer's operating system sucks shit on ice. I'm going to be handing out this script on table napkins, for fuck's sake.

08:38
Lots of yelling outside. Spotnitz is screaming at that huge Best Boy from MitM, because his Harley is in Frank's space. He told him to leave it at the gay bar where it belongs and now the guy is chasing him around the Lot. I'd help him out, but I really need to finish this script. You know how it is.

09:04
Great. Now I have to listen to Spotnitz expound his theory that everybody at FOX is living proof of devolution. He's trying to sound like Pacino in that coffee shop scene in Heat. Or maybe De Niro. Whatever, he's a shithead either way. Even the security dude said so.

09:23
Vince just handed me his stab at the Finale. He says he was working on it until 3am. It's a single page. On it he's typed 'The End'. Ha! Ha! Split go my sides. Not. This had better be just a crappy joke.

09:31
If I hear Manners whistle Surfing USA as he walks past my office one more fucking time, I'm going to smash his fucking brains in! It wasn't funny the first time. And he can't whistle for shit. It sounds like somebody stepped on a bird.

10:02
Doesn't Bowman have any other friends? He's always here. Isn't he supposed to be working on Reign of Fire, or something? That project must really suck. He's such an idiot! That Izabella Scorupco is a total babe! I wonder if we can write her in somehow?

10:48
And so it began. Rob taunted Shiban about the 8 billion rewrites for Underneath, and said that he could loan him his intern to do the directing next time, so John threw his cellphone at his head. I think it broke Bowman's nose. I hope so. Manners is laughing, so Rob's trying to flick bloody boogers at him.

11:01
You'd think I'd get some peace and quiet, now that Kim has taken Rob to the infirmary, but no; Vinnie and Shiban are arguing with Frank about whether Superman could beat Captain America in a fight. Two characters who wear their underwear outside their pantyhose, for Christ's sake! What are they going to do, slap each other to death?

11:37
Wonderful. Jean Rossi and Marcia Shulman stop by to discuss the wrap strategy and so naturally Shiban has to walk into my office wearing his home-made Superman outfit. It might not have been so bad if only the little red panty things hadn't been an old pair that Gillian donated to him. I'll never work in this town again, I just know it.

12:12
Woohoo, lunchtime! I'm out of here! I have to meet Duchovny someplace, but I can't remember where. Oh well. He's so boring anyhow. All he ever talks about is his kid and Voltaire. Just what I need to hear about while I'm eating - baby vomit and stories about some old French guy who probably preferred little boys.

12:39
Damn it, missed the off-ramp because I was rummaging through the glove compartment. I was so sure I left a Snickers bar in there! Goddam Dori and her chocolate fetish! She must have eaten it when I left her in the car that one time I ran into Eddie Van Halen at Safeways. We talked for almost an hour about Californian wine, and I forgot all about her. Boy, was she pissed.

13:08
Trying to eat my Rigatoni while pretending to listen to Dave tell me what a thoughtless bastard I am, and how I always treat him like shit. Christ, it was all I could do to refrain from reminding him who sued whom! So I was late, big deal. After Evolution, he should be grateful I still talk to him.

13:22
He wants to write, he wants to direct, he wants a $Zillion...gee Dave, you want to sleep with my wife, too? Actually, don't answer that.

13:29
Frank called and is on his way over. I don't need Frank here, I need our attornies. Hirohito had more bargaining power after Hiroshima than I do right now. Fucking fans! We could do the Finale with Roger Rabbit and get away with it if it weren't for them. Now I have to listen to Duchovny's shit.

14:07
I'm on my fourth glass of red. Dave may be an arrogant, conceited asshole sometimes, but he's no dummy: I should try to stay sober. At least Frank has only had one glass. Wow! Check-out the blonde at the corner table! Come to me baby, I'll make you a star! Who's that loser she's with?

14:22
More wine for me, more whining from Duchovny. What do women see in the guy, anyhow? I mean, look at that fucking nose, for Christ's sake! And his voice; Mr Monotonous Comes to Town. I've heard more modulation in a car alarm. God, that chick is HOT! I wonder if she likes red wine? Man, I need to go to the john.

14:42
So, OK, I shouldn't have thrown the guy's wallet in her soup, but how was I to know it was Harvey Weinstein? He had his back to me! So what, anyway? My contract is with FOX, not Miramax. He's fucking lucky Spotnitz was there to stop me from beating his fucking head in! But that chick wanted me. She's an aspiring actress, so I gave her my card. At least, I think I did. What are you laughing at, Duchovny?

14:43
It's not that I'm too drunk to drive, it's just that I can't remember where I parked. Oh well, I'll have a nice little nap. When is Frank going to clean this car up? It looks like it was just dragged from a canal. I hate him. He thinks his beard makes him appear dignified. He looks like Benji.

16:35
I vaguely remember some stairs, but I can't recall going to sleep on my office couch. Why's it so hot in here? Man, so tired. When the room spins like that it's nature's way of telling you to go back to sleep. What do you want, Shiban? Go away.

17:21
Ooooohhh, my aching fucking head! I had this dream that I was in that big clean-room thing we built for FTF, only it wasn't in Texas like in the film, it was Vancouver. I dreamed that the guys were stripping me and I was about to scream for help, but then they changed into that chick from the restaurant. It was kind of like that sequence we did for Kill Switch.

17:56
Fine. I'm glad they thought it was funny. Sandy Grushow called in to say goodnight, which is when my head cleared a little and I realised I was wearing Shiban's Superman outfit. The look on Sandy's face tells me that he definitely prefers Captain America. Pricks. That was just plain childish.

18:31
Not surprisingly, my heart really isn't in script revision right now. Frank wants me to come to some screening with him. Like I really want to be anywhere near him right now. He swore that he had nothing to do with the 'little prank', and is busting my balls about my own performance at lunch. Fuck off.

18:55
The thirteen Tylenols are kicking in and I don't think there's anything left in my stomach to barf (except maybe thirteen Tylenols) and now Duchovny wants me to attend the screening too. It's rushes from Full Frontal. Why do they want us to view their rushes? Maybe I'm just paranoid after all the security around our own stuff, but it seems kind of weird to me. What the hell, beats listening to Dori snore.

19:54
Too weird. Everybody is giving me the strangest looks. I even checked to see that I had my own clothes on. Nothing on my face. Too weird. Man, there are some big-wigs here tonight! Is this rushes or a fucking Premiere? What the hell is Tea snickering about?

21:02
So, that was only the worst night of my entire life, even including the night Space first aired! Half the power-players and glitterati of Hollywood just laughed their asses off through twenty minutes of videotape showing me, dressed as Superman, drooling on the cushion of my couch as I slept lunch off. Just when I thought that surely God was going to reach down and end it all for me, I see myself get up and take a leak in my own trashcan. Boy, that janitor's going to love me.

21:19
Well, I broke Bowman's nose again, and I think I managed to give Manners a concussion before the security guys could haul me off. Frank looks angry and Vince is crying. At least that's something. I couldn't find Shiban. Duchovny and Shandling look very pleased with themselves.

22:42
I have to hand it to Weinstein - for a guy who's just exacted the ultimate vengeance (by Hollywood standards, anyway), he's sure being gracious about it. He even shook my hand. I just wish I'd known that Miramax were producing Full Frontal before I agreed to come here. And to think I used to look forward to Friday nights.

23:34
The cab driver stiffed me on the change. God, I hate this town! Then I find a note from Dori. She's sleeping at her sister's place tonight. She says I keep her awake...

Copyright Shturmovik[KGB]

2002

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