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07:44
The trouble with a Ferrari is that it either goes like a rocket or it doesn't go at all. Mine is as useful as a dead elephant right now. I had to bribe Dori with promises of chocolate before she'd let me borrow her precious BMW. Christ, she's not even doing anything today, anyway. Women are so manipulative. I'm going to call her at lunch and tell her that it's been stolen. Well, why not?

08:22
It's official - Jim Cameron is the World's Most Boring Man. He and his wife Suzy jog past my place most mornings, so I've learned to avoid them, but he caught me now as I got out of the car to investigate a weird clonking noise. Who cares if he got an ear infection while shooting True Lies, for Christ's sake? I told him that I thought The Abyss was the dumbest movie I've ever seen, just to shut him the hell up. That went over well! Canadians.

08:27
I knew it, I just Goddam-well knew it! As if Jim hadn't already made me late, the damn car breaks down right outside FS19! Naturally, I assumed the firemen would help, but instead they slouched out of the firehouse and called me a moron for 'parking' out front of their fucking doors. Then they began snickering about the car. What the hell do I pay taxes for? I hope their chief's dalmation bites him on the nuts. And that asshole Cameron gave me a smarmy look as he drove past. Fucking Canadians. We should nuke that stupid country.

09:07
Finally! The AAA set new standards of ineptitude - it only took them forever to get here. I'm going to cancel my Plus membership, for sure. The stupid mechanic acted like I was some kind of homo because I'm driving a pink BMW; I told him three times that it was the wife's car, but he kept glancing over his shoulder at me, everytime I was behind him. This from a guy who drives a banana on wheels. Oh, and guess what? Dori's car is a tow job...

09:58
Show business sucks; the office chick at the garage recognized me instantly, as she is a big XF fan. A shipper. Yay. 35 minutes of 'Why-Chris-Carter-is-the-Anti-Christ-for-what-he's-done-to-the-show' is a real pick-me-up, take it from me. She demanded my autograph, naturally, so I signed it, 'All the best, Frank Spotnitz'. You should have seen the look of confusion I got. Priceless. Sometimes life just hands you material, you know?

10:13
Does God hate me too? Or is there some school for cab-drivers in Islamabad, that teaches them not to learn basic English language skills, or something? I ask to be taken to FOX, so I get taken to Duchovny's house. Is there some kind of Cosmic Joke in that, or what? I can't wait to tell Duchovny - he thinks nobody knows where he lives!

10:24
Dave and Tea made me sit and wait while they finished breakfast. It's almost half ten and they are just eating now. Actors - bunch of fucking deadbeats. I told them that the cabbie was selling maps to their place for $2.00.

10:42
'The Duchovnys' drop me off at the office. You should have seen the looks on the faces of the people at the Lot. I mean, what? I can still be friends with the guy, can't I? Just because he tried to sue me into financial oblivion, and bad-mouthed me throughout the length-and-breadth of the World's media. What the hell. Anyway, Dave forgave me that night Manners and I got totally shitfaced and I peed all over his dog. It's new name is 'Yellow'.

10:47
There's a little red Miata in my space! I'm not upset so much that somebody has taken my space as much as I am that people will think I drive a fucking Miata! I have an image to maintain, you know? $50 says it's that hairdresser dude from Ally McBeal!

10:51
I just caught Vince visiting porn sites from my computer! I fucking knew it was him! The IT guys didn't believe my protestations of innocence, that one time the main web server crashed because somebody downloaded 17 gigabytes-worth of dirty mpegs and a bunch of viruses. It was my IP address, therefore I was guilty. Fucking Gilligan. I've never really trusted farmboys. God knows what they get up to with the cows at night.

10:57
I haven't even sat down yet and Dori's calling. She said that she just wanted to say hello, but I noticed she managed to slip in a question about her car. She must have seen me check it out this morning and has probably been worrying about it ever since. We should have had kids.

11:09
Some fucker has been eating my yoghurt again. It wouldn't be so bad, only they think I haven't noticed and just dip into it. Ugh! It has to be Shiban. He denies it, but I can tell he's lying. That little tic he has starts up. It's like Pinocchio's nose. Anyway, I coughed up a huge loogie, and mixed it in good. Health food indeed.

11:27
Spotnitz is yakking to the chicks on the Psychic Hotline again. Whenever we catch him at it, he claims he's 'researching a storyline'. He bought $250,000 of Enron stocks last year on their advice. What a putz.

11:43
*NSYNC's agent keeps calling me. He wants to 'do lunch sometime'. That's Hollywood-speak for 'Give my clients a part on your show, you bastard'. Why the fuck would he think we'd ever have them on The X-Files? A bunch of 35 year old guys who dress in their teenage boyfriend's clothing and lip-synch to songs actually sung by an unknown girl band bred for the purpose and kept locked up in a secret studio in Anchorage. I told him to try 'Survivor'.

12:00
Lunchtime, but I'm so far behind today already that I have to stay here. I wish Dori would pack me a lunch. My mom used to make me tuna sandwiches when I was a kid. Back then, just the thought made me retch. Even the neighbor's dog wouldn't eat them, and he ate his own shit, for Christ's sake! The other kids at school used to call them 'Carter's Curse'. God, I'd Jell-O wrestle Rock Hudson for one right now.

12:14
Kim refused to go down to the commissary and get me a burger. What a shithead. To think of all the things I've done for him. Who does he think paid for that stupid 50th ep party? OK, so FOX picked up the tab in the end, but I practically had to sell my soul to them first. And there was I feeling guilty because the picture on that cake looked like Bowzer from Sha Na Na or something.

12:37
That chick who sells food out of a tray around the offices just walked in! I bought two chicken-and-mayo on rye and an apple. Just as I was about to fall to my knees and thank God, she pulls out an XF script she has been working on. Before I can say anything, she tells me that it's about M&S going undercover at - get this - the haunted school their kids attend! Life can really suck, sometimes. I really wanted to call security, but I didn't dare. What if I need another bagel sometime?

12:52
The garage calls. The car is fixed and they've given it a tune-up or something. They told me to come and get it. Fuck that. I promised the office chick that I'd introduce her to David and Gillian if she'd have the car delivered, so she's organizing it now. What a sucker. Hey, she called me 'an insensitive pig' this morning. Fuck her.

13:21
Berman calls and says she wants to arrange some meeting. Maybe it's about the movie. Please God, let them say yes. Television sucks. Not like a movie. One storyline, BAM, done! You don't have assholes sending you questions about why, if so-and-so did this in an episade in 1994, how can he do that in another in 2001? Christ! Don't these people have any lives at all? I don't call them at Burger King and ask why they put onion in that Whopper they just made, when they already put it in one last year.

13:57
Gilligan, Shiban, Manners and I had a half hour rubber-band war. I thought it was pretty lame, until John hit Frank in the eye with one of those really huge heavy-duty fuckers! He'd just come back from lunch and walked right into it. I mean, I know it could have been really bad and all that, but I couldn't help laughing. But Christ, Spotnitz can swear! People came running from out of the soundstage across the Lot!

14:05
Frank was allowed to hit Shiban with a free shot, so now he's happy again. Actually, we gave him three shots. You should see the welts. Now John is sulking. What a baby. He thinks we shouldn't have pulled his pants down first. What did he want Frank to do, shoot him in the eye too?

14:17
Everybody just ran out of the office like it was on fire or something. I should have known something was up, but I was in the middle of an important call to my broker, and was distracted. I should have guessed, but didn't, which is why I practically had to gnaw my way through the wall to escape the Masterson brothers. One time last month we made the mistake of trying to debate the issue of Scientology and that crafty ol' devil, L. Ron with them. Never again. Man, it's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers in Hollywood these days!

15:02
The garage finally delivered the car. They couldn't put it in my space on account of that stupid fucking Miata. I wasted 15 minutes trying to find the owner. That hairdresser at EMcB says he owns a VW convertible. There's a surprise. He also asked me what I was doing tonight, so I told him there's a party at Gilligan's house and gave him directions. Vinnie will get over it.

15:18
And Bowman arrives. I wonder where he's been all day? It's not like him to be late to the place where he doesn't work. Turns out he's been here all the time, hanging out on the Buffy set, flirting with the make-up chicks. Now he's bitching because he can't get his Miata out of my space because some 'fag' has parked a pink BMW behind it! A guy driving a little red convertible Miata criticizing anybody elses taste in vehicles? It's no wonder everybody in Hollywood hates him.

15:30
Just saw the bill from the garage! Who tuned this fucking car, Elmer Bernstein? Christ, I should have just bought another Ferrari! Goddam, I'm in the wrong business! Everybody thinks I make as much as Bill Gates or something, but I swear there are auto-electricians who could buy me ten times over. And there's a bunch of CD's missing too!

15:33
I hate automatic fucking transmissions! I was sure I selected reverse, but I've just smashed up the back of Rob's Miata pretty good. He should have bought a German car. As it is, Dori's going to kill me! Some of the lights are busted and the bumper is a little crumpled. Have you any idea what those head-light fittings cost for a fucking BMW? Fucking Fight the Future cost less!

15:46
Bowman's screaming like a woman about his car, but I'm too busy with the garage chick to listen. I begged her to fix Dori's BMW before I take it home tonight, but she laughed in my ear. In the end, I had to promise her a bit-part in an episode to get her to agree! Christ know's how I'm going to explain it to Frank, but come on; I'm used to the heat from him and the fans - Dori's the one to worry about here!

16:43
JEZUSSS! Can you believe this? I'm on 170 heading for the garage in Van Nuys and I get stopped by a cop for driving with busted turn-signals! They're at the front, for fuck's sake! He must have seen them from the other side of the road and then turned around and chased me all the way back up the damn highway! He was going to let me off with a warning, but I told him he should work for Bin Laden, so he dragged me out of the car and searched it. Now I have a ticket that would bankrupt Switzerland and am never going to make it to the garage before they close.

17:16
I just made it. I had to drive like a madman, but I caught the guys just as they were about to close up. No way can they fix it tonight. Fuck! I slipped them $100 and they promise to make it the first job in the morning. I didn't dare ask them about the CDs. What the fuck am I going to tell Dori?

18:02
Frank's still here. His eye is really puffy and watery. He looks much grosser than usual. The studio doc gave him some eye-drops, but he won't use it because it 'stings'. What a girl! Kim has been trying to convince him to let him put them in. It's been a bastard of a day and I thought, 'fuck it', so I grabbed Frank's arms and John got his legs and Manner's administered the drops. Christ it was funny! Spotnitz retched because Kim missed the first two times and squirted the stuff into his mouth. That shit really stains. You should see Frank's shirt. The best part was when he kicked Shiban in the nuts.

18:27
Everybody is cranky now, except Manners. He wants to go to a bar. What the hell, why not? I could use a drink.

18:59
The bar chick looks worried. We're all grouchy, Shiban is limping and Spotnitz looks like Popeye. I guess I'd be worried too. This is going to be a bender, that's for sure.

20:21
One of the Producers from Buffy has been in here drinking all day and is really wasted. He got into an argument with Kim about whether Queen's albums were more important than Pink Floyd's and he took a swing. Frank ran over looking insane and the guy nearly shit himself! I mean, Spotnitz looks like he's on the run from the Terminator or something. Everybody in the joint has gradually edged away from us so we have a nice clearing to ourselves.

21:42
Rob tried to dance with the bar chick, and that was the final straw, apparently. When Vince tried to argue with the bouncer, he threw him into the little garden out front. One of the fiber-glass coconuts fell off the fake palm tree and hit Gilligan on the head. It was just like Young Einstein! Even the guys in the Tofu place next door laughed.

21:56
Dori calls. She wants to know where the fuck I am. Translated: 'Where the fuck is my BMW?'. I tell her I'm in a teleconference with FOX Australia.

22:07
We find a Karaoke Sushi place. A recipe for disaster if ever there was one, especially since Rob is allergic to fish. Or that's what he said when Frank's wife cooked that one time. I wish I'd thought of that line.

22:27
Manner's is probably the World's worst singer. I mean, he's really bad. Even the Japanese businessmen were throwing shit at him. Imagine Sinatra having a vasectomy without anaesthetic. Well, nowhere near as good as that. He made My Way sound like a car wreck. The food was good though.

23:09
Shiban's an idiot. What a place to base your impromptu stand-up comedy act around the effects of nuclear weapons. It was like Nanking! I can't remember the last time I've run that fast. Shiban's an unbelievably stupid fucking idiot.

23:26
Kim wants us to go to his boat down at the marina. Look at the time. I have to get home. I'll tell Dori that I had a drink with the FOX execs, and so left her car in a studio lockup. Fingers-crossed that they get that car done bright and early. I'm still going to get screamed at though.

23:54
Rob drops me home. He bitches about having to get up early to collect his car from the garage. It's being repaired in the morning by his cousin. He promised him a date with Gillian if he spent all morning on it. He has his own garage. In Van Nuys...

Copyright Shturmovik[KGB]

2002

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