Now, due to an email I recieved recently, this page has now been updated. I must still warn you that some of the material found on this page may be offensive to you, so if you are easily offended then please don't read this page. Now sit back, relax and enjoy.
My Favourite Rude Jokes
1) A punk rocker gets on a bus and spots a beautiful nun sat near to the back. He goes and sits behind the nun and says to her "Excuse me but I think you're very beautiful would you consider having sex with me?" to which the nun replies "No the only person I will have sex with is my Lord and master God." With this she gets up and gets off at the next stop. When the punk gets off at his stop the bus driver says to him "Listen mate if you wanna get in with that Nun she goes to the Crematorium graveyard every day at 1 o'clock. Take my advice and dress up as God and she'll give you a shag." At 1 o'clock the punk all dressed up with a long white beard, long robes and a wig goes to the crematorium. He sees the Nun praying in front of a statue of the Virgin Mary. "My child" he says, "whilst thou loseth your virginity to me?" The Nun looks startled and says "Yes Lord but it must be anal" Well the punk isn't going to argue with that so they get to it. When he's finished the punk rips off his wig and beard and shouts "Ha Ha! It's me the punk from the bus" and the Nun whips off HER mask and screams "Ha Ha! It's me the bus driver!"
2) A man who made a fortune building ships is finally having his dream house built. He's stood talking to the architect when he suddenly points to a tree and says "Don't build over that tree there." So the architect says "Ok sir but can I ask why not?" The man replies "Because thats where I had my first sexual experience" So the architect agrees not to build over the tree. The man suddenly points to a tree 100 yards away to the left and says "Don't build over that tree there either" Once again the architect ask's why not and the man replies "Because thats where her mother watched us having our first sexual experience." The architect is completely shocked and says "HER MOTHER WATCHED YOU?!?! What did she say?!?" To which the man replies "BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
3) A beautiful woman walks into a bar filled with 3 men including the barman and asks for a pint of Carling. The barman serves her, she drinks it in one gulp and collapses in a dead faint. So the barman and the 2 drinkers pick her up and carry her off into the back room. The one guys says "Do you know what? We could all have a ride now and noone would ever know." The other two agree and all 3 of them have sex with the girl, then go back into the bar. In time the girl wakes up and leaves. The next day she comes back and theres 7 men in the bar. The same thing happens again. She keeps coming back day after day until by the end of the week the pub is full with over 30 men. She goes up to the bar and the barmen smiles and says "Pint of Carling is it love?" The woman goes "No thanks I'll have Stella. That Carling is giving me a sore......" You dirty minded sods can work out what the last word there was supposed to be!
A bloke goes to see his doctor for a checkup. During the examination the doctor notices the blokes yellow penis. The doctor asks him a few questions "Do you work with chemicals?" "No I'm unemployed" "Well do you smoke?" asks the doctor "No I don't smoke" By now the doctor is a bit perplexed "How did you get a yellow penis then?" "I don't know" replied the man "I just sit at home all day watching porno videos and eating cheesey puffs"
Q Whats the flappy bit of skin on the end of the penis called? Ans : A bloke
Q Why don't blokes like wearing condoms? Ans : They cut of the oxygen supply to their brains.
A couple were having a screaming row and it quickly became personal. "I don't know why you wear a bra" the man says "you've got nothing to put it it after all" The woman looks a bit shocked for a second before calmly replying "Well, you wear pants don't you?"
Q What do you call a bloke with 99% of his brain missing? Ans Castrated
Q Whats the difference between hard and dark? Ans It stays dark all night
Q Whats the difference between a hard on and having the light on? Ans Blokes can sleep with the light on
Q How do you spot the blokes who stole the job lot of Viargra? Ans : They're a bunch of hardened criminals in posession of swollen goods
Q Why are blokes like computers? Ans : You never know how much they mean to you until they go down on you
Q Why are blokes like holidays? Ans : They never seem to be long enough.
Right thats all for now folks! Please don't email me complaining about these jokes. I did warn you at the top of the page. Keep checking for regular updates!
As promised I have just added the Best Family Fortunes answers ever given onto the site. Click HERE to see them.