The Daily Fly
Est. 1765
Official Newspaper of
Fly Views
Eating Flies is a Threat to Our National Security
Hello. My name is Colonel-Sergeant-Commanding-Officer-Subaltern-Lieutenant-Right-Hand Perkins. I am here today to ask you an important question: is fly-eating a threat to national security?
Some people would say yes. Other people would say no. Many would not be sure. But everybody would agree that fly-eating either is or is not a threat to national security (let us be quite clear on that.) As a matter of fact, many government departments have been debating just that question for many years. It's a complex and controversial debate, and one which is not likely to be resolved for a while.
However, if I were asked that question, then my answer would be: Yes, fly-eating is a threat to national-security, albeit a rather delicious one.
Why? Well, I have several reasons for this:
1. Back in the bad old days of the cold war, agents from the Soviet Union were known to plant tiny recording devices in government departments, so gaining access to classified material. These devices were called 'bugs'. As you know, a fly is a type of bug. They are therefore to be regarded with the Utmost Suspicion.
2. Many government organisations seem to be disgusted with the habit of fly-eating. The National Cancer Council regards fly-eating as 'unhealthy'; the ex-opposition leader Kim Beazley prefers 'tasty meat pie' to 'rotten old fly pie' and, when I tried to share my plate of French Fly with a friend at A.S.I.O. the other day, he recoiled and regarded me with an expression of what can only be described as pure horror.
If the government regards fly-eating as disgusting, then it would be unpatriotic not to agree with them.
3. Not only does the word 'fly' rhyme with the word 'spy', but it also rhymes with the word 'lie'. Coincidence? Possibly. But consider this: add the word fly to the common phrase 'barfly', referring to the person who eavesdrops on the conversations other people are having. Coincidence? I don't think so.
Due to this unfortunate association between 'flies' and 'spies', I suggest that they be abolished immediately.
4. In a recent study, a professor of Macquarie University agrees that 'yes, it is possible that a fly could be used as a bomb'. True, the study did go on to say that %99.9999999 of the time, this will not be the case. But what about the other %0.0000001?
5. According to one source, several flies were spotted in the company of Saddam Hussein quite recently, possibly plotting to bite George Bush into submission in what is described in the military as a 'sting' operation. Also, some reports* suggest that flies may be stockpiling illegal radioactive material.
6. Consider the problem rationally. Eating flies either is, or is not, a threat to national security. If it is not, then we have nothing to worry about. If it is, then we have a lot to worry about.
Clearly, in this world, we have a lot of things to worry about. Therefore, according to logic, eating flies must be one of those things. In other words - LOGIC REQUIRES THAT EATING FLIES BE A THREAT TO NATIONAL SECURITY.
So that's it, I'm afraid. I apologise to the fly-eaters of this world for coming to this conclusion, but I could do no other. I'm afraid that there will be no more delicious meals of fly for me. No. From now on, I'm going to live on bread and water. No more steaming green plates of mashed maggots. No more delicious hot, crispy fly fritter in the morning or crunchy, munchy Flied Fry in the afternoon. It's terrible, I know - but from now on, everyone in this country will have to stop eating flies for the good of our national security.
*I haven't seen them, but I'm told by a friend that his mother once saw them, and she said that they were very compelling.
Colonel-Sergeant-Commanding-Officer-Subaltern-Lieutenant-Right-Hand Perkins
Click HERE to read Colonel Larvae Teryaki's stinging response!
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