The Daily Fly
Est. 1765
Official Newspaper of
Fly Views
Eating Flies Will Bring Peace and Love to the World
Good day. Colonel Larvae Teriyaki here. I have taken some time out from my busy schedule of foreign correspondent work to address the issues put forth by Colonel Etc Perkins.
Point for point, I shall disprove Perkins comments…
1. Everyone knows that the molecular composition of a fly and your generic ‘bug’ are worlds apart. While many bugs transmit an electronic frequency and are therefore able to be exploited by ruthless cold war operatives, the Department of What is Electronic and What is Not determined in 1933 that flies are part of the Type A category of ‘bug’ (i.e. non-electronic and therefore not subject to a goods and services tax). As a purported member of the armed forces, surely Colonel Perkins would be aware of this?
2.a) We have, in fact, recently seen a surge in the popularity of fly eating in the cabinet, as a result of global confrontation. When Tony Blair finally came out about his own habits, he was followed by the admission of George W Bush that he also enjoyed fly immensely. Subsequently Prime Minister John Howard, still resentful of being cast as Bush’s adoring fan, pointed out that he had been on the Society of Fly Eaters website long before the poem which ‘outed’ Mr Blair. After the initial outcry, many fellow politicians came out and admitted that they too were fans of fly-eating. Naturally, an executive lunch with the best Fly Cuisine available was then arranged and charged to the taxpayers.
b) More importantly, however, the belief that “it would be unpatriotic not to agree” with the government is erroneous and dangerous. I would have my opponent think back to the days of Paul Keating, with his demand that the population eat their own young (without so much as mint sauce, no less). I disagreed with my government then, and by God I shall do so now if their eating habits are against my own beliefs. Remember free will, sir.
3. I put it to you that someone who is so very inventive with words as to come up with that argument, is perhaps also inventive enough to come up with A FAKE MILITARY TITLE. Yes indeed. I have done my homework, and you sir are an impostor. Ladies and Gentlemen, let it be known that “Colonel-Sergeant-Commanding-Officer-Subaltern-Lieutenant-Right-Hand Perkins” is in fact Colin Herbert Perkins, an English Teacher and frustrated novelist, author of “Eating Moles”, which he had hoped would become an underground success, and almost bankrupt owner of the world’s only mole restaurant “Eye Hava Mole”. I suggest that his essay is nothing more than a last-ditch attempt to convert Fly Eaters to some other form of nutrition, and it does not stretch the imagination to assume that he has already planned a further essay entitled “Moles: A Healthy and Socially Acceptable Non-Nuclear Alternative to Flies”.
I remind readers at this point that “mole”, aside from an innocent underground animal which is not at all as yummy as flies, refers not only to a two-faced treacherous double-agent who cannot be trusted by either side, but also a woman of ill-repute and further, an unsightly blemish. In contrast to this, fly refers to an ability which belongs to almost every popular superhero in history, and to a ‘zipper’ which is much more convenient than buttons. Clearly therefore, people who promote mole-eating are sneaky and disreputable unsightly blemishes, and further, people who object to fly eating are against human rights, justice and easy-to-wear clothes.
4. The 0.0000001% when a fly could be used as a bomb, if one reads the methodology attached to the study results, reads as follows, “in the case where science has progressed sufficiently to allow radiation development in such a way as to create a mutant fly which measures approximately 1m³ and can be coerced into eating a nuclear device, by definition, that fly may be used as a bomb.” As it has been found much more cost effective to use rocket-launchers, even Saddam Hussein told an aide that it was a ridiculous concept.
5. Flies don’t sting or stockpile. See Bronson Maggotfarmer’s “Guide to Fly Habits.”
6. Consider the problem rationally. The authority on every matter worth talking about, Old Wives Inc., reports that “Good things come in small packages.” Flies are small. Therefore flies are good. Synonyms of good include: good quality, blameless, respectable, delightful, agreeable, beneficial, trustworthy, and well-behaved. Such qualities, far from being a threat to national security, would obviously bring peace and love to the world. I therefore rest my case.
Colonel Larvae Teriyaki
Squadron A
Royal Fly Force
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