A Texan walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles...
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the
counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
The Texan answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to The store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, hell, I figure that if I have to roll my own, so can she!"
little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says,
"Grandpa, please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no."
The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney world!"
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word he knew. Jesus just sighed. The power finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone. I lost everything when the power went out." Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became very irate. "Wait! He cheated. How did he do that?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
A young boy is working on his parents farm: In the early hours his mother tells him to do all his chores before sitting down to his breakfast... which upsets him and his growling stomach.
On the way out to the barn he angrily shoves the cow out the way, then seeing the rooster, he gives that a kick... and lastly, pulls the old sows ear in his temper tantrum.
When he returned starving, his mother said: "I saw you shove old Marybell, and just for that you'll get no milk; and for kicking the rooster, there'll be no eggs for you; and for treating the poor sow like that, you'll get no bacon either!"
The young boy pulls up a chair and sulks.
Just then his father came through the door nearly falling over the cat, which he booted out of the way. The cat ran yowling out of the house.
The young boy looked up at his ma and smiled: "Will you tell Pa... or should I?"
John arrives home from work to be greeted excitedly by his faithful Labrador retriever, Shep. Shep's long, black tail wags furiously as he proudly displays his latest trophy to his master: the neighbor's pet rabbit dangling limply from his mouth! "Oh, no, Shep!", moans John. Certain his neighbors will never speak to him again, John bathes the hapless victim, blow-dries its fur and returns it to its cage in the neighbor's yard. "Maybe they'll think it died of natural causes," he tells himself.
A few days later, his neighbor calls over their common fence, "Morning, John. Did you hear that Fluffy died?" "Um..no..um.. what happened?", asks John, feigning disbelief. "We're not sure....our vet thinks possibly a heart attack or a stroke.
We just found him dead in his cage one day. The weird thing, John, is that the day after we buried him, we went outside and someone had dug him up, given him a bath and put him back in his cage! There are some real sick people out there!"
THE CLUB
An elderly man decides to join a nudist colony. He asks if he can just wander around the grounds to decide if he really wants to join. He strips and goes for a walk. After a while the man becomes tired and sits on a bench to relax. Along comes a beautiful woman and the sight of her causes the old man to become excited. The woman, noticing the man's erection due to her presence, goes over and satisfies him by performing oral sex on him.
The man is thrilled. He hurries back to the office and tells them he wants to join immediately and pays his dues. The old man lights up a cigar and goes out for another walk. While walking, he drops his cigar and bends over to pick it up. A young man sees the old man bent over and goes over and performs anal sex on the old man. The elderly gentleman hurries back to the office to cancel his membership.
"But why", asks the person at the desk, "you just said this was one of the greatest places you ever visited." "Yes", rplies the old man, "but at my age I only get excited once every three months, but I drop my cigar five times a day."
SUPER HERO!
One day superman is bored. He thinks to himself, "I'll go and find someone to hang out with"..
He spots spiderman, "Hey Spidey, wanna hang out a bit?"
"Nah, sorry", says spidey, "I got things to do"
So he flys around and spots Batman and Robin.
"Hey guys, wanna hang out?"
" Nah, sorry, we're pretty busy" they reply
Feeling realy down and defeated he flys some more and thinks there has got to be SOMEBODY to hang out with!
All of a sudden he flys by Wonder Womans window and sees her laying naked on her bed with her arms and legs open. Superman gets this brilliant idea! I know! Being that I'm faster than a speeding bullet, i can go in there and have some fun and she'd never know who it was!
So superman quickly flys into Wonder Womans woman, has his way with her and flys out faster than the speed of light!!
Wonder Woman exclaims. "What the hell was that??!?!?!" I don't know says Invisible Man, but my ass sure hurts........
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
stimpy47@hotmail.com (jokepage in subject line!)
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird" the guy replied.
The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up , he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and next thing I know I'm here."
The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied,
"To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
UH-OH!
A guy calls home from work and a strange woman answers the phone.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Oh. Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone whom I just naturally figured was her husband."
He'd always suspected, but now he knows. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with."
"$50,000? Really??"
"Yes"
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone.
"What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the pool"
"What pool?"
"Uhhh...is this 832-4821?"
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"
Q. Why are roach clips called roach clips?
A. Because "pot holder" was already taken.
How to Convert A Jewish Man
A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics go crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him. Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones:
....."Born a Jew
......Raised a Jew
......Now a Catholic."
The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak.
He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying:
....."Born a cow
......Raised a cow
......Now a fish."
===========================================
Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip yourfinger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven." Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in it!"
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Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped
immediately and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Well, It is a A Good Point About Sex.....
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this--When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?
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Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini". St. Peter looks perplexed.
"Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says, "No, Sister, this says, 'Sahara Pipeline
laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did get you that monster?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.
The friend says,"I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is head.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"