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A Few Humorous things on life: |
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Below are a few "categories" of our lives, and the difference between men and women! Some are quite funny! |
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RELATIONSHIPS: |
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When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots' Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, 'I just called to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But, I want you to know that there's always a chance for us.' This is known as the 'I Hate You I Love You' drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over his need. |
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LOCKER ROOMS: |
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In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. |
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MATURITY: |
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Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. |
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MAGAZINES: |
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Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn't be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. |
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BATHROOMS: |
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A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of the items. |
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GROCERIES: |
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A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or- less lane. |
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CATS: |
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Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. |
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OFFSPRING: |
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Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appoint-ments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. |
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DRESSING UP: |
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A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. |
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LAUNDRY: |
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Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms. |
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MIRRORS: |
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Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head. |
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MENOPAUSE: |
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When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction...he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. |
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TOYS: |
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Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six 'D' batteries to operate. |
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MOVIES: |
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Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their butts, because butt size doesn't really matter. |
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JEWELRY: |
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Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone. |
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TIME: |
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When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays. |
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FRIENDS: |
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Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are 'Pass the Doritos' or Got anymore beer?' |
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RESTROOMS: |
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Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?' |
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You are visitor Number |
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Since October 22, 2000 |
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Did You Do Anything Today? |
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A mothers day. (those of you who are moms, or stay-at-home dads will relate to this!) |
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My husband came home today and saw me sitting on the couch, toddler on one knee, and baby nursing on the opposite breast. I was trying to turn the pages of a book with the hand not attached to the infant, while listening for the sound of the stove buzzer, which would indicate that tonight's pork chops were at the stage between "well-done" and "the dog gets tonight's entree." |
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My husband looked at me innocently, and asked, "So, did you do anything today?" |
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It's a good thing that most of my appendages were otherwise engaged, as I was unable to jump up and throttle him to death. This was probably for the best, as I assume that asking a stupid question is not grounds for murder in this country. |
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Let me back up a bit, and explain what led me to this point in my life. |
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I was not always bordering on the brink of insanity. On the contrary, a mere four years ago, I had a good job, steady income, and a vehicle that could NOT seat a professional sports team, and me, comfortably. I watched television shows that were not hosted by singing puppets. I went to bed later than nine o'clock at night. I preferred sex to sleeping in. I laughed at those people who drove halfway across the country hauling a tent trailer, three screaming kids, a drooling dog, and called it a holiday. Now I have become one of them. What happened? The stick turned blue. I have traded in my Victoria's Secrets lingerie for cotton briefs and a firm support nursing bra. Good-bye, Garth Brooks. Hello, Sharon, Lois and Bram. |
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My idea of privacy is getting to use the bathroom without a two-year old banging on the door, and the baby spinning the toilet paper roll from my lap. And I finally understand that the term "Stay At Home Mom" does not refer to a parent who no longer works outside the house, but rather to one who never seems to get out the front door. So here I sit children in hand, wondering how to answer my beloved husband. DID I DO ANYTHING TODAY! Well, I think I did, although not much seems to have gotten accomplished. |
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I shared breakfast in bed with a handsome young man. Of course, the breakfast consisted of a bowl of porridge and leftover cookie crumbs found between the sheets. The handsome young man is about thirty-four inches tall and only gets really excited at the sight of purple dinosaurs, toy trucks and French fries. |
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I got to take a relaxing stroll in the woods. Of course I was on the lookout for frogs and lizards, and had to stop to smell the dandelions along the way. I successfully washed one load of laundry, moved the load that was in the washer into the dryer, and the dryer load into the basket. The load that was in the basket is now spread out on the bed, awaiting my bedtime decision to actually put the clothes away or merely move them to the top of the dresser. |
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I read two or three classics. Out loud. Of course, Dickens or Shakespeare cannot take credit for these works, as we have moved on to the works of Seuss and Munsch. I don't think I will be making any trips to the Adult Section of my local library anytime soon. In between, I dusted, wiped, organized and rearranged. I kissed away the owies and washed away the tears. I scolded, praised, hugged and tested my patience, all before noon. |
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DID I DO ANYTHING TODAY?
You Betcha.......... |
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I now understand what people mean when they say that parenthood is the hardest job they will ever have. In my LBD (life before diapers) I was able to teach young minds how to divide fractions and write complex sentences, but I am unable of teaching a strong-willed two-year-old how to use the toilet. |
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I was once able to navigate urban streets while talking on the car phone and looking for a decent radio station, but now I can't get the wheels on my stroller to all go in the same direction. I've graduated from university, written newspaper articles, and won awards, but I can't figure out how to get carrot stains out of the carpet. I used to debate with my friends about politics, but now we discuss the merits of cloth versus disposable. And when did I stop talking in sentences that had more than five words? So in response to my husband's inquiry, yes, I did do something today. In fact, I am one step closer to one of life's greatest accomplishments.
No, I did not cure AIDS or forge World Peace, but I did hold a miracle in my arms. Two, in fact. My children are my great accomplishment, and the opportunity to raise them in my greatest challenge. I don't know if my children will grow up to be great leaders or world-class brain surgeons. Frankly, I don't care, as long as they grow up to be happy and fulfilled. They are my greatest joys, even though I sometimes cry myself to sleep at night in frustration.
The point is, that today I got to watch my children take another step on the great journey of Life, and I even got to point out some of the sites along the way. As challenging as parenthood is, it is also equally rewarding, because we are using all our wisdom, our talent and skills to help forge a new person. It is this person, these people, who in turn will use their gifts to create our future. So every nursery rhyme I recite, every swing I push, very little hand I hold is Something. And I did it today. |
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Honk if You Love Jesus! |
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The wife of a Southern Baptist preacher talks to her Sunday School class about a wonderful religious experience that she had last week. |
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"The other day I went up to the local Christian book store where I saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at church, so I bought that bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car. I'm really glad that I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and I did not notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus or I may have never noticed that the light had changed. I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed, " For the love of God! Go!.....Go! Jesus Christ Go!" |
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Everyone was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about sunny beaches. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finder stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met a person from Hawaii so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their car and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but that is when I noticed that the light had changed so I waved my loving brothers and sisters another Hawaiian good luck sign and drove through the intersection.Unfortunately, mine was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them and all that love that we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window, smiled, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. "Praise the Lord for such a wonderful experience. Honk if you love Jesus!!!! |
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A Woman's Instruction Booklet |
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1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. |
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2. Remember that you are known by the idiot you accompany. |
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3. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers. |
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4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You lock the door behind him. |
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5. So many men -- so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. |
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6. If they can put a man on the moon, they Should be able to put them all there. |
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7. Tell him you're not his type -- you have a pulse. |
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8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone. |
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9. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks. |
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10. Never sleep with a man who has named his penis. |
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11. You might as well go for younger men. They never mature, anyway. |
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12. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay. |
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13. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart. |
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14. Definition of a bachelor: a man who missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. |
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15. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself type. |
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16. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they're too old for it. |
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17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. |
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18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. |
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19. The children of Israel wandered around The desert for 40 years, proving that even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions. |
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20. If he asks what sort of books you like, tell him checkbooks. |
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21. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh, alright, I'll stay the night." |
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22. Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even bother to have lunch with. |
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23. Remember, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his. |
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24. If he asks you if you're faking it, tell Him no, you're just practicing. |
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25. Sadly, all men are created equal. |
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26. When he asks you if he's your first, tell him, "You may be. You look familiar." |
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*********************************** |
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Online Games. Click here to play some games online |
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My Family: pictures and what we like |
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Things to send online |
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My Main page |
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How about a good joke? |
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My "old jokes" page.. where I put the ones that have been online for awhile |
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Holiday page. (I'll try to update as the holidays come) |
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