As I sit here, once again, I am compelled to stay here and work, instead of leaving my spot, and doing this work on my PC. This seat I sit upon--it's more than a seat--it is the physical representation of a natural phenomena that inflicts us all, one way or another. And I am not the only one to be inflicted. The entire human species goes through this, practically on a routine individual basis. In fact, the dawning of running water has altered this beautiful and wondrous act for the better, for all humans. Yet, nobody was able to summarize and help explain this aspect of nature--until now. I have decided to take such a noble initiative. I have come today to speak to you about SHIT.

First of all, what is shit? Shit is the physical human waste that accumulates within the large intestine. Whatever is not absorbed or digested fully within the digestive process is stored within the large intestine, and it there, is naturally solidified into a brown heap of stank-ass waste. After about twelve hours of storage, it is ready to be excreted, which is done through the human rectum. The rectum is directly connected to the large intestine, and it pushes the shit out, where it then leaves your arse through the opening, the anus.

"Byron, You’re full of shit for writing this." I take that as a complement. Thank you. But, you migh also think that I am making all this shit up about there being a phenomena about it. Wrong. Shitting is one of the greatest things a man does in his day, if not THE best. It's one of the funniest things to joke about amongst menfolk. I mean, how many times have you seen your buddies come out of the crapper and say, "Holy shit! Dude, you lost weight!" Also, each and every man has a unique ritual for taking a shit. Some guys have a cigarette in there. Others, a cold beer. We each have unique methods on how we take our clothes off, and which pant leg comes off first. Some of us are so set in our shitting ways, we might only be able to defacate when we are in our natural shitting habitats. Not to mention, all the great reading to be done in here, and the many ways to utilize your time here. Hell, this essay practically typed itself!

"If it involves such icky things, and it smells so bad, then why is it so popular?" Plenty of reasons!!!! For one, it's a great waste of time (no pun intended). If there's one thing humanity enjoys, it's to waste away doing as little as it can. Another great thing about it is the drop in blood pressure you get. When finished taking a shit--particularly a good one--your blood pressure drops, and a complete bodily relaxation succumbs you. It's the closest thing to euphoria I can imagine, yet, it's morally tolerated. Some might even say a certain nirvana is reached on the shitter, and some claim to think and contemplate more than Plato on the throne.

So, be not afraid of this great and fantastic chair. This chair, in tandem with many issues of Maxim, has brought me many years of joy. I think I've done anything there can be when on the shitter. I've eaten, slept, drank, contemplated life, drew pictures, did my homework, and even typed this heaping pile of shit. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go wipe my ass.

Written in whole by Byron Sadik