Disclaimer: This newsletter contains explicit language and adult situations, and is sent to fifty-ish subscribers with great hair, fresh breath, and winning personalities. The views expressed in this newsletter belong solely to the editor and the writers, who are all completely insane. If you would like to stop receiving this newsletter, email Melissa at mel563@bellsouth.net because she made a 5 on the AP Government exam and I didn't.
In this issue:
Cat's Official Week
Topic 1) Trek Across America: Parte Uno
Topic 2) Think You're Having a Bad Day?
Topic 3) Song Lyric of the Week
Topic 4) Webpage of the Week
Topic 5) Quote of the Week
Cat's Official Week:
Happy Nude Recreation Week (although Belated).
Topic 1) Trek Across America: Parte Uno:
By Me
As I traveled around this great country in the lovely *brand new* James Family Astro Van in a soft pewter color, I realized that there are just some things that are better back home in comfy L'ville. The first thing I saw to illustrate this point was how the gas prices rose in proportion with proximity with the Pacific Ocean. Do you know how many Twinkies I could buy for the price of one gallon of California petroleum? Dude.
Also, thank God for public restrooms. In various parts of Hollywood and Los Angeles vicinity, one is required to obtain a token from the Latino behind the Burger King counter before one can empty one's own bladder in the restroom marked "Mujeres." Extra cost? No. Extra hassle? Yes (especially if one speaks little Spanish).
But I think tokens for restrooms wane in comparison to camping at the Grand Canyon. Now, don't get me wrong, Arizona's giant hole in the earth is quite the beauty; we're talkin' one of the seven wonders of the natural world here. But does that mean that one will not be charged a dollar per five minute stretch to bathe oneself? I think not. Only on the campground, my friend. Some people we met that are considerably higher up on the food chain thought we were nuts to pay for showers like that. But hooey on them, we were only paying $13 a night for "lodging"! Two dollar showers? We still call it a bargain!
Ok, so in Las Vegas, we didn't exactly have to pay for showers. Many things in Vegas are free, especially the thrill of being kicked out of a casino/burger joint because your mom stopped to play a nickel slot. "It's Burger King or bust, my friend," says the bouncer, shaking his head. "Close your eyes and keep walking." Vegas is such a trap. I mean, how many roulette dealers does it take simply to obtain a Junior Whopper? And then, a McDonald's with flashing neon lights and advertisements of their own penny slots? But the best cultural experience in Vegas, with the exception of the free parking, are the crosswalks. Where else do you have no other choice but to scale an escalator, walk a bridge that contains not-so-bulletproof glass to shield you from the blinding neon "Showgirls! Comedians! Female Impersonators!" signs, and descend another escalator just to cross the Strip? Viva Las Vegas, indeed.
Topic 2) Think You're Having a Bad Day?:
Submitted by Mark Rinehart
*Check it out these actual cases.*
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and facemask.
A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully-clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
**Still think you're having a bad day?**
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the
motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, tipping the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse . . . to be continued in the next issue to give your feeble attention spans a break
Topic 3) Cat's Song Lyric of the Week:
"Well, she sneaks around the world from Kiev to Carolina. She's a sticky-fingered filcher from Berlin down to Belize. She'll take you for a ride on a slow boat to China. Tell me, where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?" --Rockapella
Topic 4) Webpage of the Week:
Send your name to Mars! http://spacekids.hq.nasa.gov/
Topic 5) Quote of the Week:
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap, and easy.
Closing:
Sorry about the extremely long hiatus. Those cross-country road trips can really put a damper on my "online life" (as well as my social life).
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